COACH: Alright, fellas, take a knee. You’ve been workin’ real hard in spring practice. I know I’ve been riding you hard, and I’m sure there’s plenty of places you’d rather have been, but I haven’t heard a complaint from one of you. I’m proud, real proud. We’re seeing some real development here, and I think we’re going to shock some people this fall. A conference title’s just the beginning - we’re going to be right up there in the playoff chase.
PLAYERS: [murmured hurrah]
COACH: I know I can have a reputation as a bit of a hard-ass, but I’m so pleased with what you’ve been showing lately, that I’ve arranged for a special surprise.
PLAYER: You’re going to pay us?
COACH: [chuckling] This isn’t Auburn, son. No, I looked around, and I thought - what do “cool” programs do? They bring in celebrity boosters! And what do kids these days love more than hip-hop? I’ve seen Pete Carroll bringing Snoop Dogg to USC practices, and Paul Wall fitting Tom Herman for a grill at Houston. And I thought, that’s great. I’m going to do that.
PLAYERS: [murmurs of excitement]
COACH: Now, I don’t personally know many rappers. I like that Ice-T fella from the SVU. But I asked around, and it turns out one of our wealthiest corporate boosters has been hanging out with a big-name rapper lately!
COACH: Real interesting fella. Got some ideas I think you’ll all find inspiring.
PLAYER: Coach, we gotta talk about thi-
COACH: Oh, here he is now!
KANYE WEST: [arrives riding a giant panda] If you build a bed of dreams, the sky is your blanket
KANYE: Hold on. I’ve got to turn off my car. [he hits the panda over the head with a shovel, killing it]
PLAYER [horrified]: Pandas are an endangered species! There are fewer than 2,000 of them living in the world!
KANYE: Because they don’t believe in themselves.
PLAYER: It’s actually because of widespread destruction of their habitats, coupled with low birthrates and poaching-
KANYE: Bro, they shouldn’t let themselves be poached. They should let themselves be coached. One love. [awkwardly hugs player]
COACH [nodding, pleasantly surprised]: I like this guy.
KANYE: I hear this is a community of free thinkers interested in expanding your system of belief.
PLAYER: ...we’re a college football team?
KANYE: College is a garden full of dead plants; you should be a team of energy and light. When you look at the world, I want you to see pure energy and flashing light.
PLAYER: I see flashing lights sometimes.
KANYE: Yes. Yes. That’s free thought.
PLAYER: I think it’s a concussion, but coach said to play through it.
COACH [nervously chuckling]: Alright, now, fellas, he’s here to talk about football, not about-
KANYE: Who’s your best player?
COACH: We put the team before the individual here, but we’ve got a number of four-star recruits, and preseason watch lists are very high on-
KANYE [pointing]: I like him. You’re all wearing the same clothes, acting the same, sitting together. He’s not afraid to stand away from you. Tall. Different. Bright yellow. That’s fashion.
PLAYER: That’s a goalpost.
KANYE: If you post your own goals, life is an upright.
PLAYER: I’m sorry, what?
KANYE: Abe Lincoln died from complacency.
KANYE: Let me see your ball. [someone tosses him a football] This is your problem. You’re carrying this around.
PLAYER: It’s a regulation ball, every team uses the same one.
KANYE: That’s the talk that’s holding you back. You’re afraid to be different. You’re carrying around this ball of dead skin. You need to expand your vision and exfoliate your belief systems. Korean skincare products and YouTube news, brother. Stop hauling around what they want you to haul around.
PLAYER: What should we use instead?
KANYE: Use this. I picked it up on vacation. Private resort I go to; place only for free thinkers and elites. Tiny island off the coast of Costa Rica.
PLAYER: Is... is this a dinosaur egg?
KANYE: Your football is dead. This is full of new life.
PLAYER: Please tell me the mother did not stow away on your boat when you left the island, hell-bent on revenge.
KANYE: I don’t know what you’re talking about, which means you’re attacking me.
[a roar can be heard in the distance]
PLAYER: I’m not sure how any of this is going to inspire us to win.
KANYE: Think different. I just coined that.
PLAYER: That was an Apple Computers advertising campaign in the 1980s.
KANYE: Live mas.
PLAYERS: [all quietly thinking about how Drake is corny as hell but doesn’t put them through this sort of thing]
KANYE: When was the last time you won a championship?
COACH: Well, we’re a storied program, but we haven’t been declared a national champion since the late 1990s.
KANYE: That’s because you live in a prison of belief. You care what other people say about you. You don’t need a poll to tell you you’re a national champion; you need to tell yourself you’re a champion, and then no one can stop you.
PLAYERS: [suddenly realizing en masse that he understands college football better than any of us]