WHY OHIO STATE NEVER LOSES A RECRUIT

We have never told a joke on EDSBS. We just write down what we see, and what happens, and sometimes what would probably happen. That is about as speculative as we can get, really, even when it involves the late, great Beano Cook hunting us in Laos with a sniper rifle. Because that could happen, right? It’s not even that unrealistic to imagine it happening, at least in our opinion. He just looked like a guy who could have, on the right weekend, be talked into hunting humans. Wouldn’t even be personal.

So if we make jokes about Ohio State and its home state of Ohio, it’s not because we’re making jokes about Ohio State and the Buckeye State. No, you are hearing jokes about Ohio, and we’re just saying things out loud, sharing images, and pointing you in a direction.

For instance: This morning on Twitter we said Ohio State is the state that gave up, but is perfectly fine with it. This came mostly in reaction to blog legend, architect, and standup comedian @heyitschili sharing a fine slice of Columbus cuisine—i.e., a giant pile of deep-fried pepperoni with ranch dressing on the side.

This is delicious. Let’s be clear on that before we go any further. Fried pepperoni is one of the greatest snacks a ten year old boy can have. A boy in our middle school had them every day, because his mother fried them up every week and had them locked and loaded and ready to go for her son. He was perfectly sweet and nice and smart, but also had fried pepperoni every day while the rest of us somehow soldiered along with merely “good” lunches and only “caring, loving parents doing the best they could.”

We quietly hated him for being rich, and for having fried pepperoni every day. Later, he went to private school and became someone who works in health care and determines that a bag of saline should cost exactly $42,038 out of pocket. Stop investing in your children is the overall message here, but especially stop if they are already well off. The chances of them becoming something good are already very, very low, and get worse with every additional perk you give them. Take your chances and give your fried pepperoni to the poor instead.

Anyway, should anyone object to this image of Ohio as the place where everyone is essentially has the personal tastes of a surly preteen, this also appeared.

“HOLY CRAP, KATHY. THIS ISN’T JUST A DEAL. THIS IS PRACTICALLY AN INVESTMENT. YOU KNOW HOW MUCH BELL I PUT DOWN IN A YEAR? WE’RE LOSING MONEY BY NOT LIVING HERE. HOLD MY VAPE PEN, I GOTTA GET IN ON THIS RIGHT NOW.”

This might also be why Columbus is an elite college town, and yours is not. Urban Meyer already recruits well enough, but when basic dirtbag-living services are being sold in bundles like this it’s hard to take a single prospect away from them.