WE’RE GOING ON A BROS WEEKEND

When you’re dedicated to college football like we all are around here, you make sure not to schedule big life events in the fall. Weddings, parties, births, plea bargains - not between Labor Day and the end of bowl season, I say! As a result, spring and summer are when we catch up with old friends, reconnect, and further our relationships.

Me? I’m planning a weekend with my bros.

We’ve decided to go to London this weekend. Now, I know what you’re thinking - London? This weekend? During the Royal Wedding? Hear me out - sure, the crowds are going to be thick around Windsor Castle, but that just means that the normally-mobbed attractions in the center of the city are going to be less supervised. Er, crowded. Less crowded.

So, the boys and I are going to London! We’re going to do some golfing. Bros like us sure do love golf! And look at all the great courses nearby, as you can see from my corroborating search history.

Gosh, I’ve been prattling on about the details, I haven’t even introduced you to my bros. Meet the bros!

“MAD” MILES CAVENDISH III

My bro Miles is a real character. He’s the heir to a once-prominent family banana business. He bears a seething grudge against the British royal family, whom he claims stole his family’s fortunes and ruined his life. That has no particular bearing on our golf weekend, but I think it’s important to appreciate your bros’ other interests. Miles spent the last eight years in a Thai prison that he broke into to “study”.

He wants to see the new Harry Potter play while we’re in town!

PETE “POCKETS” PENNYROYAL

My pal Pete was once the best cabbie in London, they say. He’d get you there faster than anyone - that’s how Pete and I met, racing across town in his cab! Then they fired him from being a cabbie - the only job he ever loved, leaving him with nothing left to lose - for reckless driving. Pete’s been going through a lot lately, what with this roiling indignity and the attendant financial pressure. I think a Bros Weekend is just what he needs. Pete can drive from the British Museum all the way to a waiting plane on the tarmac at Heathrow in 23 minutes - a trip that’d take most people 45 minutes to an hour!

Pete’s the best.

BOOMER “SOONER” THISTLEWICK

Now here’s a real character. My bro Boomer - he used to work in the Explosives Department of the MI6. That was, until he was fired for making explosives that were just too precise. Now he’s got no outlet for these skills, and a lot of leftover explosives supplies. Anyways, we’re going to show him a good time.

He’s never ridden the London Eye!

ALAN “THE HAMMER” WRENCH

A plumber by day and a bare-knuckle boxer by night, my bro Alan’s a man with many interests. They say he knows his way around the sewers of London better than anyone - he could get directly under any building you could think of! It’s always good to have a bro with special local insight on your tour.

I bet he could show us where Ed Sheeran hangs out.

“BRAX”

I don’t really know this guy. I think he’s a friend of Boomer, or maybe Pete? Not sure what his story is. He’s just always sort of lurking in the shadows, sharpening something. There’s always one bro who’s like that, am I right? Classic bro stuff.

Rumor is, he once killed a guy on a whaling ship.

JAMÓN

Ol’ Hammy here’s sort of our Bros mascot. That’s right, dogs can be bros too. Whenever the rest of us are really down, this little guy’ll pull some wacky trick, like balancing a hot dog on his nose, or shimmying through the HVAC system of a building to chew through the alarm wires, disabling the system for exactly 23 minutes. He loves Iberian ham, scratches behind the ears, and claims to have royal blood.

He is also rumored to have killed a man on a whaling ship.

ELGIN “MARBLES” IVORSHAM

We’re all a bunch of backslapping, fun-loving sports fans, but it’s always good to have a bro who elevates the culture of the group - someone who can introduce us all to the finer things in life. That’s my bro Elgin - he was once a prominent museum curator, before leaving that line of work for reasons unspecified. They say he’s quite mad now. But boy, he’s still got an eye for art, and a photographic memory! He can tell you exactly where the most valuable piece in a museum is, even if he’s sitting in an idling London cab thirty feet below street level.

He’s really gonna class up this trip.

“THE MASTER OF DISGUISE”

There’s always that one bro in any group that insists you call them by some self-applied nickname, and that’s The Master for our little ragtag crew. Of bros. I will say, though, he does have a knack for disguises. It’s a real useful skill to have on your crew if you need to get someone on the inside to lay the groundwork for a complicated plan.

Like, uh, getting a table at a really popular restaurant or something.

Yep, these are my bros.

This is gonna be a really epic trip. But you know what they say - what happens on a Bros Weekend stays on a Bros Weekend, even as we’re flying out, low over the countryside on a cargo plane with no markings under cover of night as the country is distracted by joyous celebration of Harry and Meghan’s historic occasion!

And all anyone needs to know is: we went golfing.

Broooooos!