It’s mid-May, and you know what that means!
It’s an extreme struggle to come up with anything remotely resembling college football content?
No, stupid! Mother’s Day is coming! That’s right, the second Sunday in May is fast approaching, and if you’re like many of us, you’re rushing to find that perfect last minute gift for your mother, wife, or parole officer with whom you’ve developed a surprisingly caring and respectful relationship these last few years.
So what should I get her? A tie? Moms like ties.
Generally speaking, it is our experience that moms do not like ties.
What if my mom is 1980s Annie Lennox?
No, but like, hypothetically, what if she were?
Well then she already has ties, dummy.
Gosh, I’m a disappointment, aren’t I.
Yes, most of us are. But that doesn’t mean we’re exempt from giving gifts. You’ve got to make an effort to be thoughtful. Think about the mom in your life. What does she like?
That’s right! But no two college football-loving moms are the same, which is why Every Day Should Be Saturday’s holiday etiquette experts are willing to prepare a gift guide specifically for the kind of fan your mom is.
Well, my mom’s a Michigan fan, what would be best for her?
Ah, a mom with culture, sophistication and taste. We’re recommending the “dinner and a movie” package, which includes these special items:
“THE THIRD MAN” Criterion Edition Blu-Ray
This film, set in war-ravaged Vienna, centers on an American who’s searching for clues to the mysterious death of his friend and business partner. It’s widely considered one of the greatest films of all time, celebrated for its acting, musical score and cinematography.
Ah. Okay. Bit of a weird gift for Mother’s Day, but my mom is kind of a film buff. What else?
Well, cultured lady that she is, we bet she likes hosting dinner parties.
Come to think of it, she does.
Well then, let’s host in style, and get her a whole new set of dishes! Your mom’s friends, family and treasured professional acquaintances will love eating off the Barnet Bronze 16-piece dinnerware set, available at a number of fine retailers.
A Blu-ray and dishes? I thought there was some sort of over-arching theme to this package, but so far, I’m not seeing it.
Stick with me.
I feel like I shouldn’t, but what else am I going to do?
What dinner party is complete without music? Your mom’s a Michigan fan, you said, right?
Yes, we covered that. Where are you going with this?
Well, again, Michigan fans like the finer things in life, so we’re thinking classical music. Something cultured. Beethoven, maybe.
Me, I prefer his third symphony.
You son of a bitch.
This whole thing was just an elaborate set-up to a Michigan joke.
Surely I have no idea what you’re talking about.
“The Third Man”? Bronze? Beethoven’s Third? You’re just trying to twist the knife in me by pointing out that, despite overwhelmingly high expectations once Jim Harbaugh was hired, Michigan keeps finishing 3rd in the Big Ten East.
Do they? I hadn’t really kept track.
Well the joke’s on you, asshole, they finished 4th last year.
Ah. Well, don’t I look the fool then.
Now, come on, I’m desperate for some real gift ideas, knock it off with the prank suggestions. My mom doesn’t even like classical music.
Alright, you’re right, I’m being mean. But I do have a great suggestion - what mom doesn’t love Justin Timberlake? His new album “Man of the Woods” is his best yet.
Really? It looked kind of stupid, the title and all. I’ve never been a big fan myself.
You know, I wasn’t for the longest time either. Wrote him off, considered that others were probably better. But after all these years, you look back at all the records, and you have to admit to yourself: JT’s gotten the best of us year after year.
That’s a JT Barrett joke, isn’t it.
Yes I believe it is.
Why do I still read your posts?
No one knows.
Do you have anything else to get out of your system here?
Just one more.
[deep sigh] Get on with it.
After all this joking around, all your mom really wants is quality time with you. Forget about the gifts - she’s got plenty of things and doesn’t need more stuff cluttering up her house. Take some time out of your busy schedule and take her out to dinner.
Oh... that’s actually a good suggestion. Any ideas on where?
I actually know just the place. Right in Ann Arbor, there’s a darling French bistro that’s very highly rated on Yelp. They just started offering brunch, too, if that’s your mom’s thing. Who doesn’t love a cozy french bistro?
Eh, I’ve had mixed experiences with those kind of places.
You’re getting my assurances here. You might have been to other locations that aren’t any good, but trust me, this-
Oh no I walked right into this one-
... this spot is good.
Why are you like this?
Ohio is an incurable behavior.