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FOOTBALL NEWS: INFINITY WAR

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THIS IS FOOTBALL NEWS BECAUSE IT TAKES A TEAM TO SAVE THE UNIVERSE

WHEN YOU’VE MOWED THE YARD REAL GOOD
  1. ALL OF THESE ARE SPOILERS STOP READING IF YOU’RE THE KIND OF JACKWAGON WHO WHINES ABOUT SPOILERS.
  2. Thanos did it all just so he could go camping. We joke a lot about Thanos being a dad, and doing things for dad reasons. He wants half the universe gone so he can get some peace and quiet. His clothes suck. They just do, because he is a dad, and because it’s hard to worry too much about fashion when you’re an Eternal. He even has sketchy friends like a dad. See: Ebony Maw, the kind of sketchy dad friend would totally ask his buddy’s eight-year old to borrow some money, and then taunt them too personally after whipping their ass at Fortnite. For the record: You mom never liked Ebony Maw’s worthless ass. She just wants you to know that. Traaaaaash.
  3. What kind of spectral, magical henchman can’t breathe in space? FFS, Ebony Maw, that seems like a massive oversight for a villain with a face like a kneecap and a demanding interstellar travel schedule.
  4. Thanos does dad things like beating up someone no one expected him to beat up, going to great lengths to collect things. He walks all the way up a big fuckoff rock formation when he could simply snap his fingers and be at the top. Why? Because his kid is there, and hiking builds character. Thanos also throws Gamora off a cliff. Though this is not dad-type stuff in action, it is certainly something every parent has thought about doing at least once.
  5. Related: way to go, Red Skull. You ended up relegated to Marvel’s equivalent of creepy parking lot attendant. Two more minutes on screen and he was going to sell Thanos on buying some oxy or a burner phone while he was up there.
  6. Anyway: Thanos at the end of the movie walks out of a tent and sits and watches a sunset on Titan. That’s it. He looks like he’s about to go fishing or spend the day stalking elk or maybe just padding around a lakeshore in the Rockies in some $100 hiking mandals. He has the contented look of a man who just finished a particularly gratifying trip to Home Depot. We combed the internet for a clip of the last scene because we swore he had a cup of coffee in his hand at the end. He didn’t, but if he did it would be black, piping hot, and in one of those blue enamel camping coffee mugs. Thanos killed half the universe so he could star in an REI ad. That’s astonishing dad business right there.
  7. Thanos also really likes bubbles, because he isn’t just a genocidal maniac. He is a whimsical genocidal maniac.
  8. Doctor Strange is fantastic. As Doctor Strange should be at all times, he appears annoyed that anyone has interrupted his luxe-level Aleister Crowley sex dungeon lifestyle to make him play mortal games. The fun part about Doctor Strange is that you get Benedict Cumberbatch doing just enough Sherlock, but then getting that undercut by him having to talk to a living cape while bickering with Tony Stark. He gets sort of tortured for a bit in the movie, but don’t worry. He’ll turn it into a fetish. The lowkey horniest dude in the MCU always finds a way to turn lemons into lemonade like that, because Doctor Strange is a freak.
  9. We make none of this up. At one point in the New Avengers: Illuminati, The Beyonder shows up and gives each of the Illuminati their greatest desire. Doctor Strange’s deepest desire? TWO CHICKS AT THE SAME TIME. That’s as deep as he goes. He is the Sorcerer Supreme, and he is also Lawrence from Office Space.
  10. Wong has none of that interruption, btw. He’s back home for most of the movie watching astral plane porn and getting his dinners via Seamless. Wong is the smartest person in the entire movie. P.S. There is no doubt that even during an alien attack New York delivery people would get that shit to your door in 20 minutes.
  11. On the topic of Marvel perverts: Vision is up there. Not only does he skip out on the world to have sex. He chooses to have sex in Scotland. Absolutely depraved, even if completely useless in a fight here. Throw Scarlet Witch up there a notch higher than Vision. Not only does she go to Scotland to have sex, she does it with android Paul Bettany. Scarlet Witch gets a raw deal here in eight thousand ways, really.
  12. We did laugh at the scene of Tony Stark and Star Lord arguing with Doctor Strange just chilling and levitating in the back. Oh, me, I was just touring the future. Doctor Strange is such a dick just by being himself. He deserves fourteen other films on his own that they will never, ever make, both because Cumberbatch won’t do it, and because NC-17 Marvel movies would not make money.
  13. Chris Hemsworth remains the best thing about this entire franchise. Thor arrives beaten to hell. Despite losing everything he loves he’s still got banter and ripped arms. The key to understanding the character of Thor from the comics is that no matter what, Thor will still have outrageously macho banter used for comic effect, and that he will have awe-inspiring biceps. The whole movie is one long flex for him. This is literal: Thor gets to flex in the focused laser-fire of a dying star for a second or two, because Thor has gone through so much shit over the last two movies of his arc that well, why the hell not.
  14. Notice that Thor has rapport with everyone in the movie, because Chris Hemsworth is just that good. Even Teen Groot likes him! Teen Groot hates everyone.
  15. Captain America uses flip phones. That’s his best note here besides the beard, really.
  16. Rocket Raccoon continues to be one of the most amazing characters despite being a CGI raccoon. Bad: He loses everything he loves. Good: He probably gets Bucky’s arm, since Bucky departs this world at the end in whiff of ashes, leaving behind the vibranium parts of his body? Rocket’s filled with the anguish of loss, sure, but hustle never sleeps. He said he was going to get that arm, so he’s probably going to get that arm.
  17. M’Baku lived, so the Salad King is in charge of Wakanda. Because M’Baku has to be a Que, “Atomic Dog” is the new Wakandan national anthem. T’Challa had that cut look and did a lot of sprint work, but that’s all over now. Wakanda now belongs to vegan powerlifters; invest in Rice Protein shakes futures immediately.
  18. Hulk has erectile dysfunction. It okay, Hulk. It happen to all men sometime. Please let this lead to a shot of Hulk and Bruce Banner soaking in dual hot tubs like a Cialis ad in part two. Pleaaaaaaase.
  19. Star Lord really is from Missouri because couldn’t close out the deal in the fourth quarter and had no idea how to defend what came next. Like a hilljack from the Ozarks, he also thought he could walk in with one gun and solve the situation. We’re not mad because he died. We’re mad because he got Drax killed, and Drax must be protected at all times both for a.) the jokes, Drax has to get these jokes off and b.) Dave Bautista is his own special effect, because he really is that big and freaky-looking in real life. Damn you, Star Lord, for taking the one man in the franchise who can deliver a line like “an hour” with exactly the right tone.
  20. Ant-Man was officially excused from the battle because he’s on house arrest. Every other rule of civilization is broken in this film, existence itself is threatened, half the universe is murdered, and Scott is sitting there in Atlanta like “My P.O. is coming at 2, sorry but I HAVE to be here, dude.”
  21. WE DIDN’T CRY WHEN SPIDERMAN GOT IT NOPE NOT ONCE
  22. ESPECIALLY BECAUSE IT PROBABLY DOESN’T COUNT AND WILL BE REVERSED ON REPLAY REVIEW ANYWAY
  23. We’re still not sure whether the film was great or not but it was very entertaining, and had “Rubberband Man” in it. That probably makes it a good film all by itself if we’re being honest about our own very low standards for entertainment. It was probably a very good movie.