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THE 2018 EDSBS CHARITY BOWL IS ON

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LET’S DO THE HERO-TYPE AMERICA THING AND SEE WHO ELSE SHOWS UP

Ball State Cardinals v Michigan Wolverines
GO (RED WHITE AND) BLUE
Photo by Brian Bahr/Getty Images

IT. IS. TIME. The 2018 EDSBS Charity Bowl is on, on, on, and although it is always a good idea to give to refugee service organizations, 2018 is a particularly important time to do so.
GIVE HERE.

A quick review of the whos, whats, and hows of the operation here before we begin in earnest.

WHY ARE WE RAISING MONEY? For New American Pathways, a refugee resettlement agency serving the large and yes, still growing refugee population around Clarkston, Georgia. Check their website for the full detailed list of the many things they do, but in short: New American Pathways is one of the the stateside arms that helps the United States take refugees from war-torn parts of the world, and then assists them in building a new life and home here in the United States.

WE STILL DO THAT? Yes, here in the year 2018, though those numbers are being intentionally reduced by the federal government right now. This gets at the heart of our pitch here, because this is an incredibly important time to support the refugee resettlement program. For a thousand misguided reasons and a few outright malicious ones, the refugee program—in place in one form or another in our country since World War Two—is a target of the current administration’s xenophobic policy platform.

YOU WANT TO RANT ABOUT THAT FOR A MINUTE? No, because action is going to outweigh any amount of invective we might want to spew regarding this policy, and because we should all be familiar with this administration’s extremely tired, terrified, and un-American drill by now. (Our words, mind you, not theirs.) Action means raising money for an organization like New American Pathways so that a.) the two hundred or so refugees resettled in the Clarkston area can be as successful and supported as they can possibly be, and b.) the organization can continue to advocate for refugee issues at the local, state, and federal levels.

The first is so important for the immediate future, and the second desperately important for the long-term future of the refugee program not only here in Georgia, but beyond. This is a rough temporary patch, one that many people in this nation will look back on and be deeply embarrassed about. The most we have to say about that at this point is that those who like to build and help America be its best will continue to take in the dispossessed and create generations of the most motivated, devoted, democracy-loving Americans possible.

The rest of y’all, well, we’re waiting for you to come back home. We’ll be here when you’re ready to do the hero-style America thing again, whenever that might be.

WHERE DOES THIS TIE INTO FOOTBALL AND EDSBS? Well, because as always, the idea is to embarrass your rival school by donating more money than they do, and thus making them look like cheap, uncharitable people clearly not as virtuous or cool as you. To add to the spite, we encourage people to donate in the form of a score.

DO YOU HAVE AN EXAMPLE HANDY?

THANKS, BUTCH

Not many good things happened for Florida in 2017. But we’ll always have Tennessee losing a game on a dumb, long pass that a competent team would have swatted to the turf like a rogue shuttlecock.

HOW LONG IS THIS GOING? Through the week and into the weekend. We’ll give daily updates about how big a lead Michigan has.

ARE YOU GOING TO GET A TATTOO AGAIN? No, but as always, if we reach, say, $40,000 in total donations, Ours Truly here will do something dramatic in honor of the winning school. Don’t doubt us on this point. We have a tattoo of a Michigan block M with the character Totoro over it as proof of our seriousness here.

Also we sometimes have famous people from your school call you to thank you personally. Heisman Trophy winners, actually. No big deal, just a little thank you from us to you for being a great American.

IS MICHIGAN GOING TO WIN AGAIN? Yeah probably? But real charity doesn’t keep score. We keep score because we are petty and small, but that’s our job. Anyway, unless you’re an Ohio State fan, the real pleasure is outgiving your black-hearted skinflint of a rival, not Michigan.

CAN WE GO DO THE HERO-TYPE AMERICA THING NOW?

HELL YES LET’S GO DO IT RIGHT NOW. GIVE GIVE GIVE GIVE GIVE GIVE GIVE GIVE GIVE GIVE GIVE GIVE GIVE GIVE GIVE GIVE GIVE GIVE GIVE.