FLORIDA FOOTBALL: NO WATERFALLS

Hi! It’s Spring Break, and that means we’re trying to juggle kids at home and the little actual work we can do this week. The first thing that hits the ground when we’re spinning plates is usually EDSBS. EDSBS has hit the ground, but we’ll hit it when we can, post the Fullcast, and be back in force on Monday for the annual EDSBS Charity Bowl. Yes, Michigan will probably win, but don’t let that stop you from dreaming. (Also they need something after last night, so let them have it.

Florida athletics, for reasons unknown to any living man or woman, doesn’t trust buildings. They’ll spend money on other things: Florida once gave quite a bit of money to Jim McElwain, for example. Given that, utility or usefulness can’t explain why Florida does or doesn’t spend on something. It might be the state’s climate, since any building constructed in the climate begins to rot before it is even finished. Maybe Florida, unlike some SEC schools, has an aversion to burning buildings for the insurance money? Being the cradle of American insurance fraud, that doesn’t seem to make sense. But theories are theories, and we’re going to throw them out and see what sticks.

Whatever the reason, that seems to be changing. Not without throwing out some shade at other, less tasteful programs, but still.

“We’re not going to have gold-plated toilets in any of these facilities. We’re not going to have waterfalls in the locker rooms. … You want to make sure you’re spending in a really smart way.

That’s right, we use lacy cursive and have a font that looks like a recalled energy drink logo but WE’RE GONNA TALK SOME SHIT ABOUT YOUR TASTE ANYWAY.

If you do not recall: Alabama is the team that has a waterfall in its locker room. The gold-plated toilets might be an embellishment, and then we remember what Alabama spends every week just on their breakfast taco bar. On second thought: The gold-plated toilets are probably not an embellishment, and if Texas A&M really wants to win they’ll get Jimbo seven of them for his office. That’s one for each day of the week, because what kind of peasant poops in the same gold-plated toilet every day?

Given the past eight years, Florida probably should skip the waterfalls, and avoid trying to do whatever else Alabama does. The Process has been implemented twice, and the patient violently rejected it twice, and let’s just never, ever do what Alabama does, because Florida is not Alabama. ()For the best evidence of that, see the Athletic Director saying with a straight face that they want to be “frugal” about their spending.)

If that means skipping the in-house barber shop, well...that might be a pretty good decision, too. Alabama got a copyright infringement notice from Lebron James’ people re: Bama’s “Shop Talk” series this week. “Shop Talk” featured a bunch of former Alabama players and Nick Saban talking about life, the NFL, the NFL, and definitely maybe a little bit about the NFL, where Alabama players end up a lot. It mentions that a bit. More than a bit, actually. Complete coincidence, by the way.

“Shop Talk” bears a strong resemblance to James’ “Uninterrupted”, which itself bears a strong resemblance to any number of online videos where guys talk in a barber shop, which itself resembles the barbershop scene in Coming to America, and one can figure out where this might be going pretty quickly. There will be some expensive lawyering, a few letters back and forth, and then an exchange of phone numbers where LeBron James ends up on Alabama’s sideline getting the royal treatment, and ooh look, now Ohio State fans are mad about something.

The secret about Ohio State fans is that they’re always mad about something, but everyone could still save a lot of time and trouble—not to mention a thousand dudes with goatees emailing you about being a “trader”—by letting Nick and LeBron solve this the old-fashioned way.

Therefore:

IT IS PROPOSED: Give Nick Saban ten minutes one-on-one with LeBron James. If Saban scores one basket in that ten minutes, Alabama gets to keep “Shop Talk”. If not, the suit is settled in James’ favor without further expensive litigation, and “Shop Talk” closes down forever.

It’s a simple solution, and one that should be streamed live for the internet and humanity at large. Are we proposing this simply to watch diminutive Nick Saban get every shot he puts up swatted into the rafters by the best basketball player in the world? Yes. This is exactly what we want, because Nick Saban would actually try as hard as he could because he is fiercely competitive, and actually plays pickup basketball regularly.

No really, he does. The jumper looks nice, too.

P.S. He’s not getting a shot off if LeBron doesn’t let him. Not one. NICK WILL GET SO MAD. Please let this happen. Pleaaaaaase.