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'Punxsutawney Phil' Makes Annual Winter Prediction On Groundhog Day
Photo by Brett Carlsen/Getty Images
  1. Are you gay? This is a direct violation of many state and federal laws prohibiting discrimination based on sexual preference in the workplace. There is no joke here. This is something NFL teams ask at the combine sometimes and it keeps happening despite embarrassing stories about teams asking this question. It’s bad and possibly illegal and backwards as hell. Please stop doing it.
  2. Have you ever been arrested? Employers can only ask about convictions, not arrests. Signed, a longtime Florida Gators football fan who knows.
  3. Is that a parrot, and why is it on your shoulder? If they have to ask, then they’ll never know. Also it’s a macaw. Cretins, absolute cretins.
  4. Do you have children? Another legally forbidden question in a job interview. If a team asks this of you, reply “I do, and they Oh god where did they go—” Football coaches love panic and children, especially at work.
  5. Why did you carry a broadsword to this meeting? Again, it’s a scimitar, and if a someone doesn’t know the difference do you really want to go to battle with them in the first place?
  6. Are you married? Yet another question potential employers cannot, by law, ask. If they do, respond with a.) “Who’s asking?” while arching an eyebrow suggestively or b.) “I am...TO THE GAME” before breaking the table with a single blow from your mighty fist.
  7. Do you walk around nude all the time? Charles Haley played in the NFL for 12 years and only appeared in games with clothes on because he would be fined for showing up in his preferred birthday suit. And you put a towel down, didn’t you? See, that’s a considerate and thorough professional at work already, and clearly hiding nothing. Clothes are the devil’s nametag, and it’s important to let your employer know you won’t wear them.
  8. What is your religion? Improper at the least, and illegal at worst. If asked, the best answer is to hit a huge vape cloud, pause, and then quietly and seriously answer: “Gamer”.
  9. Did you kill Lilly Kane? Don’t answer this question and incriminate yourself, which you do not have to do as a basic right! Especially if the person posing the question is that pesky but likable Veronica Mars! She’s not your friend, but is instead a crack private eye even though she is a #teen!
  10. How long do you plan to work? A sneaky question about your age, which is only really a question if you are one of those defensive lineman from Alabama who is secretly thirty-four years old, has five kids and a wife, and came to football only after a long and successful career as a bodyguard and mercenary for a Central Asian dictator. If they ask this, choose to answer with “Until someone stops me. Would you like to try?”
  11. What is the best barbecue? Falls under religious questions, next.
  12. Are you a US Citizen? Another sneaky question trying to smoke out your country of origin, which is not something an employer can ask about in the job process. If an Atlanta Falcons scout asks this, answer with “It’s a foreign country, so in other words a place with as many Super Bowl victories as your team.” You will probably not get drafted by the Atlanta Falcons
  13. Would you rather fight one horse-sized duck, or a hundred duck-sized horses? A trick to see if you read the internet, which NFL teams look down on as a distraction. Disregard unless you would like to answer with “I don’t know what a horse or a duck is” which NFL personnel types will be delighted to hear. Means you’re so focused on football, not learning animal facts.
  14. Didn’t you go to Northwestern? You don’t have to answer this because if you went to Northwestern, you would have already told them before you even sat down that you went to Northwestern.
  15. Are you a dog or a cat? While not an illegal question, it is profoundly stupid and you don’t have to answer. You’re clearly a marmot. Just look at your fuzzy chirpy self, sitting there with your tiny paws and your big ol’ fluffy body looking for a rockpile to fall asleep in for the winter. Ted, just look at this big ol’ marmot. Holy shit, Ted, we’re interviewing a gigantic marmot instead of a football player. AGAIN. Jesus, Ted, we’ve got to get it together, the Browns need us to focus here.