WHAT HAVE I DONE

Oh lord. I’m on a horse. I’m really on a damn horse.

It’s a goddamn horse they got me on here. They think because I’m from West Virginia that I know something about horses. We don’t trust any person in West Virginia. Much less trusting animals. A dog can steal your credit cards and do some damage at the casinos! Happened to a friend of mine in Cross Lanes. He and the dog haven’t spoke since.

Not gonna trust an animal again. Much less a horse. They’re all just like Jim McElwain. Scared of shadows. Got weird teeth.

I know these people are half horse. Born on horses. Sometimes elect them to office. Only the racist horses, but still. Do my legs look short? Oh god I bet my legs look short. I’m 5’9” and they put me on a goddamn horse. Looking like a muppet in an action scene. Jesus.

Are my legs short? How’d I not realize my legs are short. I’m fifty-two years old and just realizing this. They’re damn short now that I look at it.

I don’t look like George Strait up here at all. I was old by someone I’d look like George Strait up here. You get on a horse and think you’re gonna look like him or John Wayne. I look like the last place finisher in the Young Mister Amarillo Pageant. Don’t know what that is or if it’s real. But it’s what I look like right now and it ain’t good.

This is bad, Jimbo. This is all bad.

They gave me a star too. Does this mean I’m police? Dammit Jimbo you might be a sheriff now. That’s bad for recruiting! Real bad, Jimbo.

I better get a car. This horse isn’t catching shit. It’s gonna dive into the bushes the first time it sees a flower it likes to eat or something. Do horses eat flowers? I’m from West Virginia. Horses are for school lunches and gambling there. We’re not horse people.

Those are people from Kentucky. Can’t be trusted. The brown in the liquor turns their brains sour. They like college basketball for instance. Sure sign something went wrong in their blood. Shine might ruin a man but he’ll never get to the point where he hires Rick Pitino to do anything.

Oh god is that in my contract? You try to read the whole thing. You really do. But what if being the coach at A&M has some kind of weird cult thing where I’m also a cop in my spare time. Can I be a Texas Ranger? That seems cooler than being a cop. Get to hang out with Trivette and drive a big truck everywhere. Clarence Gilyard ain’t busy. Put him on the payroll and make him my sideline cop.

This thing’s gonna kick me off in front of all these sausage-eaters isn’t it. Dammit, horse, you ain’t even disappointed me and I’m already mad at you. You’re basically a quarterback. I’m just waiting for the turnover.

I could be here for ten years. Do I have to ride this horse for ten years? Can I use an ATV. ATVs are awesome. They don’t bite. They take gas. They never up and die out of nowhere and if they do you can use the parts in another ATV. Try doing that with a horse, it just doesn’t work like that. Least I think it doesn’t, god knows these yahoos probably tried it a few times.

Dammit. I’m here forever now.