This week, word got out that Kansas Jayhawks safeties coach Todd Bradford would be leaving the program to pursue a job in the oil industry - presumably a more lucrative position than the $245,000 he was making on the hapless KU staff, but assuredly a less-stressful one.
Though many are happily lifers, the coaching lifestyle can be a year-round grind, tough on families, detrimental to one’s physical and emotional well-being. It’s understandable that some may choose to leave the industry entirely, and not everyone’s cut out for the broadcast booth or governor’s office.
It’s good to have a backup plan, is what we’re saying here. Heck, I’m not even a football coach, and I have a backup plan if my blogging gig ever goes south (I’ll pay attention at my real job).
Now, we here at Every Day Should Be Saturday have enlisted the services of our personality-testing and data-stealing subsidiary, Gainesville Analytica, to accurately predict the best fallback jobs for various coaches who may find themselves burned out after years stalking the sidelines of our favorite teams.
Let’s review the results!
JAMES FRANKLIN, PENN STATE: “BOILER ROOM” GUY
Some coaches are going to step away because their current jobs are too stressful. Franklin? He’s just getting bored with all the low-stakes, low-energy games like Ohio State at night in Happy Valley. He’s gonna manage a hedge fund with a squishily-vague name like “The Eagle Group” or “Oak Tree Partners” and scream a lot.
Besides, if there’s someone who knows how to time “getting out before the SEC figures you out”, it’s James.
PAUL JOHNSON, GEORGIA TECH: GUY WHO SHOOTS THE APES AT THE ZOO IF A KID FALLS INTO THEIR PEN
None of us knew this was a job until a couple years ago, but it is. So when the pressure of alternating 9+ win seasons with sub-5 win seasons and generally ruining everyone’s good time finally wears on Paul, he’s gonna quit to pursue his real passion: killing beloved zoo animals because someone had to do it.
In fact, he’s been doing this job as a side gig for years, unpaid.
He’s not even employed by the zoo, but they’re too scared to ask him to leave.
“Mr. Johnson, we keep telling you, we don’t have a primate exhibit here,” they beg.
Still, he waits. History will prove him right.
WILL MUSCHAMP, SOUTH CAROLINA: AGGREGATE SUPPLIER
“The rocks understand me, and I understand them,” a finally-at-peace Muschamp says, holding a piece of gravel like a freshly-picked strawberry. You’re just trying to get a quote for re-gravelling your driveway.
He’s been here for hours. He pops the rock into his mouth and chews. “Good crop this year,” he says, blood pouring from the corner of his mouth.
GUS MALZAHN: REPLACEMENT FOR JEFFREY TAMBOR NOW THAT WE KNOW JEFFREY TAMBOR DID SOME SHIT
When the stress of constantly oscillating between “almost fired” and “almost in the national title game” finally gets to Gus, he’s going to pursue his destiny: starring in Arrested Development Season 5.
BRIAN KELLY, NOTRE DAME: FLIGHT ATTENDANT, UNITED AIRLINES
EITHER THE DOG GOES IN THE OVERHEAD BIN OR YOU DO, 26B
KLIFF KINGSBURY, TEXAS TECH: PHARMACEUTICAL SALES REP
The FDA hasn’t approved it yet, and the reported side effects seem pretty serious. And if we’re being completely honest, Kliff, this isn’t even a hospital. You just showed up at a car dealership and started pitching us this drug.
... I’ll take 1000 cases.
DANA HOLGORSEN, WEST VIRGINIA: JUST DRIVING THIS NEW SUV ACROSS THE TEXAS-LOUISIANA BORDER AT 3AM, GOING TO VISIT SOME FOLKS, SOME FAMILY FOLKS
Now if you don’t mind, officer, I’d really like to get going, my, ah, my nieces are really looking forward to unloadin’ this crate full of dolls in the back.
DABO SWINNEY, UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA: FAMILY CASUAL RESTAURANT MANAGER
“Well, gosh, come on in, won’t y’all, lookit these ones, growin’ like weeds. Big fella, I coulda used someone like you back in my coachin’ days, now give Uncle Dabo a handshake, I like that grip, let me tell you what, I’m gonna get you one of my official assistant manager hats-”
[Dabo grabs a paper hat, crimson with a white “20” on the side, tousles the boy’s hair, and places it on his head]
“Now, y’all make sure to try the Onion Explosion, that’s our most popular dish here at W.C. Swinney’s Family Foodfight, Tuscaloosa’s favorite casual-dining restaurant.”