REAL MASCOT SECRETS: DOTTING THE IDES

A crowd of people; among them ARTEMIDORUS and the Soothsayer. Flourish. Enter CAESAR, BRUTUS, CASSIUS, CASCA, DECIUS BRUTUS, METELLUS CIMBER, TREBONIUS, CINNA, ANTONY, LEPIDUS, POPILIUS, PUBLIUS, and others

CAESAR

[To the Soothsayer] The ides of March are come.

Soothsayer

Ay, Caesar; but not gone.

ARTEMIDORUS

Hail, Caesar! read this schedule.

DECIUS BRUTUS

Trebonius doth desire you to o’erread,

At your best leisure, this his humble suit.

ARTEMIDORUS

O Caesar, read mine first; for mine’s a suit

That touches Caesar nearer: read it, great Caesar.

CAESAR

What touches us ourself shall be last served.

ARTEMIDORUS

Delay not, Caesar; read it instantly.

CAESAR

What, is the fellow mad?

PUBLIUS

Sirrah, give place.

CASSIUS

What, urge you your petitions in the street?

Come to the Capitol.

CAESAR goes up to the Senate-House, the rest following

POPILIUS

I wish your enterprise to-day may thrive.

CASSIUS

What enterprise, Popilius?

POPILIUS

Fare you well.

Advances to CAESAR

BRUTUS

What said Popilius Lena?

CASSIUS

He wish’d to-day our enterprise might thrive.

I fear our purpose is discovered.

BRUTUS

Look, how he makes to Caesar; mark him.

CASSIUS

Casca, be sudden, for we fear prevention.

Brutus, what shall be done? If this be known,

Cassius or Caesar never shall turn back,

For I will slay myself.

BRUTUS

Cassius, be constant:

Popilius Lena speaks not of our purposes;

For, look, he smiles, and Caesar doth not change.

CASSIUS

Trebonius knows his time; for, look you, Brutus.

He draws Mark Antony out of the way.

Exeunt ANTONY and TREBONIUS

DECIUS BRUTUS

Where is Metellus Cimber? Let him go,

And presently prefer his suit to Caesar.

BRUTUS

He is address’d: press near and second him.

CINNA

Casca, you are the first that rears your hand.

CAESAR

Are we all ready? What is now amiss

That Caesar and his senate must redress?

METELLUS CIMBER

Most high, most mighty, and most puissant Caesar,

Metellus Cimber throws before thy seat

An humble heart,--

Kneeling

CAESAR

I must prevent thee, Cimber.

These couchings and these lowly courtesies

Might fire the blood of ordinary men,

And turn pre-ordinance and first decree

Into the law of children. Be not fond,

To think that Caesar bears such rebel blood

That will be thaw’d from the true quality

With that which melteth fools; I mean, sweet words,

Low-crooked court’sies and base spaniel-fawning.

Thy brother by decree is banished:

If thou dost bend and pray and fawn for him,

I spurn thee like a cur out of my way.

Know, Caesar doth not wrong, nor without cause

Will he be satisfied.

METELLUS CIMBER

Is there no voice more worthy than my own

To sound more sweetly in great Caesar’s ear

For the repealing of my banish’d brother?

BRUTUS

I kiss thy hand, but not in flattery, Caesar;

Desiring thee that Publius Cimber may

Have an immediate freedom of repeal.

CAESAR

What, Brutus!

CASSIUS

Pardon, Caesar; Caesar, pardon:

As low as to thy foot doth Cassius fall,

To beg enfranchisement for Publius Cimber.

CAESAR

I could be well moved, if I were as you:

If I could pray to move, prayers would move me:

But I am constant as the northern star,

Of whose true-fix’d and resting quality

There is no fellow in the firmament.

The skies are painted with unnumber’d sparks,

They are all fire and every one doth shine,

But there’s but one in all doth hold his place:

So in the world; ‘tis furnish’d well with men,

And men are flesh and blood, and apprehensive;

Yet in the number I do know but one

That unassailable holds on his rank,

Unshaked of motion: and that I am he,

Let me a little show it, even in this;

That I was constant Cimber should be banish’d,

And constant do remain to keep him so.

CINNA

O Caesar,--

CAESAR

Hence! wilt thou lift up Olympus?

DECIUS BRUTUS

Great Caesar,--

CAESAR

Doth not Brutus bootless kneel?

CASCA

Speak, hands for me!

CASCA first, then the other Conspirators and BRUTUS stab CAESAR

CAESAR

Et tu, Brute! Then fall, Caesar.

[Dies]

BRUTUS

Well, that’s done. So, who wants lunch?

OTHERS

Whoa. What the HELL, dude

BRUTUS

What

OTHERS

You just stabbed Caesar!

BRUTUS

Right, I thought that was the plan-

OTHERS

That was definitely not what we discussed. I can’t believe you just freaking stabbed Caesar.

BRUTUS

It was Cassius’s idea!

CASSIUS

Nope. No, I was always in the “strongly worded letter” camp. Violence isn’t the answer, dude.

BRUTUS

Casca stabbed him first!

CASCA

I don’t know what you’re talking about. Leave me out of this.

BRUTUS

It’s right there in the stage directions, like, 12 lines back!

CINNA

See he’s just talking crazy now.

METELLUS CIMBER

Well, we’re going to have to punish him for this. He just killed our beloved emperor, who we all supported and wished well for.

CASCA

Let’s send him somewhere shitty full of obnoxious people with an inexplicable sense of their own greatness.

OTHERS

Yeah!

CINNA

And put him in an ugly sweater!

OTHERS

YEAH!

CASSIUS

And so it is decreed.

Also, let’s make his head look really weird.

BRUTUS

You guys are assholes.

CASSIUS

You’ll meet worse.