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HELLO, 2011 YOU. God, you don’t even have a beard, or the fiery look of someone running from imminent death in your eyes. This is going to take a minute.

Remember UConn football? No? Okay it’s still around, and Randy Edsall is still coach there. Oh, he went somewhere else, and nothing happened, and so he went back to coaching UConn because UConn is one of those places that hires football coaches the way some people adopt feral cats. Oooh! We put out food and our favorite one came back! Anyway, they’re still here, and still pretty much the same.

How’s Florida football, you ask? It’s fine. IT’S FINE. Been great! Couldn’t be better. Dan Mullen is doing a great job and loading up the team for 2018. Great guns forward and whatnot, just oh hey look a passing falcon! The huntsman of the skies, patrolling the woods and playing his part in nature’s grand balance between predator and prey! Let’s take a moment to appreciate the grandeur of life’s great circle.

[whispers while the falcon soars overhead]

Alabama won pretty much everything for the last seven years, with brief breaks for other teams within driving distance of Alabama to steal a title.

[fake startles]

Oh my, sorry, got lost in a reverie for a moment. What majesty! Anyway, nothing happened in college football and everything is fine. This trick shot QB, though? Johnny McEntee? Man, this is going to take a second. Maybe a few.

He’s still here, too. No, he isn’t playing in the NFL. He....

This trick shot QB? Man, this is going to take a second. He’s still here, too. No, he isn’t playing in the NFL. Johnny Manziel isn’t either, by the way, but that might be a longer story? Sorry, there’s so much to catch you up on, and I haven’t even gotten to Bobby Petrino. What? You say he had some momentum coming off an eleven win season, what did he do next? He kept that momentum moving...forward. That’s what we’d say. Definitely kept it moving forward. He’s at Louisville again. Feral cat coach searches aren’t limited to UConn.

Chip Kelly is at UCLA, Jim Harbaugh is at Michigan, Keith Jackson is dead, Florida State has Willie Taggart at head coach, Alabama runs a spread offense now, Lee Corso is still on Gameday (!!!), and Dana Holgorsen is...still at West Virginia? Life is weird and the proof is that Dana Holgorsen is a rock-steady source of stability in college football. Ooh! And

So anyway, we’ll try to keep this short. The Trick Shot QB left UConn and did not catch on in the NFL. After some knocking around, he joined the presidential campaign of Donald Trump. I’ll give you a minute here, because you will need it. Ready? Good.

Trick Shot QB rose in the ranks during the campaign because he was handsome and always had fast food waiting for the candidate. He became what’s known as “the body man” for the candidate, and continued in that role through the campaign and afterwards into the White House. Donald Trump is our president now. Again, I’ll give you a minute.

He lost that job this morning when he was fired and kicked out of the White House. The reason for the firing: He is being investigated by Homeland Security for “serious financial crimes.” The guy from the Trick Shot QB video then immediately got high-profile job in the Trump 2020 reelection campaign.

Byyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeee see you in 2018 it’s gonna be so much fun. Oooh! Undertaker is still getting big spots at Wrestlemania.