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BRIAN KELLY WATCHES TV

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A SHORT STORY, WITH PICTURES

What an enjoyable Super Bowl. High-flying offense, back-and-forth scoring, and a first-time Super Bowl champion! I enjoyed that.

And wouldn’t you know it, a former player of mine won a Super Bowl ring! I’m proud of Eagles center Jason Kelce, who played under me at Cincinnati from 2008-9.

Of course, for the first time since 1999, there were no Notre Dame players on either team in the Super Bowl. Am I not preparing players for NFL careers? Am I not recruiting well, or failing to develop well?

No. That’s silly. It’s the players who are failing me.

This was a delicious meal tonight, too. Although, I have to say, the guacamole didn’t turn out great. I should’ve checked the ripeness of the avocados when I bought them, but then, what store puts out a display of unripe avocados the day before the Super Bowl? That’s on you, Trader Joe’s.

Anyways, I should probably clean up all this mess and go to bed. I mean, it’s the offseason, but the grind of being a top-tier college football coach never ends. I’ve got to be thinking about recruiting, offseason conditioning, managing my staff, and making excuses for my own future failures. Heck, there’s only a little over 200 days until we face off against Michigan in the opener, and you know Jim Harbaugh’s not taking any time off.

[Super Bowl coverage ends, and a cold open to a show begins]

I wonder what this is, though.

[he sits back on the couch]

Well, maybe I’ll just watch for 15 minutes. It helps to keep up on what the kids like. And this seems like a nice, happy family in this show! I’m becoming invested in them personally already. Why, nothing terrible is going to-

Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

That Crock Pot! No-

Get out of the house! Right now!

Oh, god, Jack. My sweet beloved Jack, no.

AP

Wait! He made it out! He’s okay!

WHY ARE YOU GOING BACK INTO THE HOUSE NO

Matt Cashore-USA TODAY Sports

I can’t bear this emotional rollercoaster.

HE MADE IT OUT AGAIN! HE’S ALIVE! EVERYTHING’S GOING TO BE OKAY!

I get it. You yanked us around a little bit, but it all works out in the end. Just like in football. Now, they’re going to have a heartwarming reunion in the hospital, and-

[turns TV off]

[sighs]

[opens laptop]

I wonder what they’re saying about me online right now.