OUR REQUIREMENTS TO BE SIGNED

Today is the day when many young men make their decision on where to play college football. Correction: At least it used to be before the early signing period lessened the impact of the day somewhat, and left us with something slightly more relaxed. (Slightly.)

There are still a few undecided recruits out there. This includes us, a one-star fullback with zero upside and an expiring physical warranty. This is not exactly pushing us as a commodity, you say? We did put the word “fullback” in there on purpose, because there are only seven actual fullbacks left in the country. As bad as the quality might be in our case, scarcity will do the selling for us.

The revised list of demands, updated from previous years’ demands, will be completely necessary.

• No playing time. Football is hard, the bench is fine. This is really just a gym membership with a restaurant attached to it. Other people want playing time, let them have it. Why? Because we’ll do anything for the man next to us—like giving him our playing time, reps, or practice spot. Unselfish is our middle name. It’s a Welsh name, from our father’s side.
• In the event we ever see playing time, please advise the quarterback that finding Polaris is easy even in a light-polluted environment like that of well-lit football stadium. Simply follow a straight line from the uppermost pair of stars in the Big Dipper to the left, and that will lead you to Polaris. Ooh! And that red dot is Mars!
• All of this will be visible lying on his back, where he will be if we are counted on to pass block.
• One Nintendo Switch with Mario Odyssey on it. Have someone beat the Darker Side of the Moon mission before we get it. That shit is impossible, and we give up easily when things get hard.
• This lack of commitment and willingness to give up on hard things may unsettle coach. If it does, he can go back and try to get one of the other six fullbacks in the country to sign with him.
• $400 in cash, once. We know we’re not good enough for the payroll, but satisfy the eighth-grader in our hearts by giving us “money for life” in the form of exactly $400 so we can go live off the land and let that baby earn four dollars a year in interest in a solid savings account somewhere.
• A Target gift card for more than $40. We’ve got kids, and they need eight things that somehow total exactly forty dollars, every time, without fail. Get us something slightly over that total, because we’re special We’re a—[points to name tag that says “FULLBACK”]—full-back.
• Kids or not, you’re spending forty dollars at Target. You just are, it is a rule of science.
• A nap in a clean room for three weeks. As a non-traditional recruit, let us be frank. What most people want is a nap and a quiet room and nothing being asked of them. If possible, please up this to three uninterrupted weeks in a room someone else cleans. There is not a person over the age of 30 who does not believe that three weeks of intense napping in a clean space with no obligations whatsoever will restore their mind to something like sanity.
• If the room cannot be provided, then a good solid nap window in the location of our choice will have to do. Body pillows are mandatory, we’re not a savage.
• Really the nap is the important thing if you can’t get anything else
• One wheel route thrown per year to us. We’re going to drop it, but it’s the spirit of the thing
• Donate our body to science because after two games it will die from the stress
• Place head in jar, allow it to be player-coach from sidelines
• Remember us fondly when we become the new head coach of the Chargers because everyone including ol’ Coach Head-Jar gets to be coach of the Chargers for ten minutes in this life