FLORIDA WINS THE SUPER BOWL

There’s not really any news in the Super Bowl for the college football fan that can’t be read elsewhere and at greater length. Nick Foles won, and that’s cool. Derek Barnett, after years of being underestimated and having to play for mediocre Tennessee teams, wound up pouncing on the game-clinching fumble. Tom Brady, open supporter of white nationalism and aficionado of quack medicine, died on the field at the age of 40. He is survived by his family and his hair plugs.

Other than that, there’s really not much else to—

Wait.

Ohhhhhhhh

OH YES. Trey Burton, who did start at quarterback for Florida despite not really being a quarterback, threw a TD to Nick Foles in last night’s epic Philadelphia win. A University of Florida quarterback threw a touchdown in the Super Bowl for the winning team, a first for the school. Rex Grossman started a Super Bowl, yes, but it’s not Rex Grossman’s fault he couldn’t win. Nothing is Rex Grossman’s fault because he is perfect.

HE IS PERFECT. SHUT THE HELL UP HE IS. OLIN KREUTZ HAS THE HANDS OF A BUTCHER.

This means Florida will now claim an actual Super Bowl champion QB, something Georgia, Auburn, Vanderbilt, Missouri, Mississippi State, LSU, South Carolina, Texas A&M, Arkansas, Georgia (putting it twice for emphasis), Kentucky, and Alabama cannot. The cradle of incredible professional quarterbacks in the SEC is obvious: Either get a Manning of some sort, or have a converted H-back/ATH type throw a single pass to your actual quarterback. It’s just that simple.

WAIT A MINUTE SON BAMA GOT THREE. Oh, you claim Joe Namath, Bart Starr, and Kenny Stabler on that list, Alabama? That’s adorable, we like paleontology, too. Go ahead and claim those two from the days when wooden-legged statuary heaved post patterns into man coverage off play-action and considered a 50% completion percentage a goal. Go ahead, be the tiny porch skink pointing at the T-Rex and going WE’RE RELATED. No one can stop you.

Actually: Bart Starr’s stats from the first Super Bowl are respectable even by modern standards: 16/23 for 250 with 2 TDs and one pick. Namath didn’t even throw a TD in his Super Bowl and he still won the MVP because he looked cool and had a lot of sex. We’re not slamming that, or people giving him awards for it. Joe Namath probably should have gotten awards for looking cool and having lots of sex. Kenny Stabler is a god. Claim him all day and twice on Saturday.

In conclusion:

Photo by Jim Davis/The Boston Globe via Getty Images

THE ROAD TO QUARTERBACK GREATNESS RUNS THROUGH GAINESVILLE.*

*Just start at halfback or wingback first and keep it situational at best okay