The 2018 bowl season starts for real for real tomorrow. The first day’s slate is pretty decent even by the low standards of early bowl season. There’s a Utah State/North Texas game that should be pretty entertaining, an HBCU game between NC A&T and Alcorn State to start the day at noon, and a potentially off-the-rails spot between App State and MTSU at nine o’clock in case you want to keep your sleep schedule as messed up as it has been since college football started.
It’s not bad at all. The whole bowl schedule is here for reference, because we like to make you nice useful things like that at dot com.
Now that we’ve done that, let’s remind everyone what EDSBS is for: This.
Before anything else: It feels right that Donald Duck has a gun here. Donald Duck is easily the most terrifying character in the history of the Disney company’s long history of characters. He rages. He screams. He forces his nephews to live in fear of him, and makes his lady build their whole relationship around the threat of his psychopathic temper.
There is an entire Donald Duck cartoon about him fighting every bit of wildlife in his backyard until he becomes so enraged he destroys his own radio by beating into splinters with the butt end of a shotgun.
This isn’t new. He is not well, and never has been. Worst of all: Everyone in the entire Disney universe has enabled him because they think it’s funny, and not done the respectable thing by medicating him or finding quality therapy for his life-threatening anger issues. He’s so funny, the way he sounds when he goes off!
Who’s funny now, asshole? Huh? What?
A dragon or an evil magical stepmother is not scary because those aren’t real, but what is real? Donald Duck with a goddamn gun, because he’s already so far over into the realm of what we would consider canonically frightening — all despite being a cartoon duck, or maybe because he’s a cartoon duck.
To wit: He’s clearly on PCP. No one is that scary, loud, and shirtcocking it 24/7 unless they’ve fallen facefirst into a pile of angel dust. Somewhere, there is a video of Donald Duck fighting eight cops in Fresno one summer night, holding his own and laughing while they pepper spray him. That video was seized by the Disney company years ago. It is only brought out during contract renegotiations for leverage, and then placed back in the vault until it is needed again.
Eight people have seen it, and all agree it is the very definition of fear.
Donald is also not just toting what looks like a Desert Eagle. He has kevlar on, and the extended clip popped in just so everyone in this Raisin’ Cane’s knows he means business when he says that the last batch of fingers? They wasn’t acceptable, and y’all need to go fry him up another one before he lights his whole place up with his CONSTITUTIONALLY PROTECTED HAND CANNON HERE.
To review: A half-naked, three-foot-tall duck with a personality disorder has, in some virtual universe, been given an extremely powerful handgun, body armor, and the license to kill.
Enjoy your weekend of football, and if Donald pops up on the block, run, unless you have one of these sitting on the couch next to you.
(Sebastian might be on the couch next to you. It’s not like he’s been out recruiting.)