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SHUTDOWN FULLCAST: THE TEXT VERSION

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THAT’S RIGHT, THIS HAS GONE COMPLETELY OFF THE RAILS

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Tornado Kills At Least 22 In Indiana Photo by Melanie Blanding/Getty Images

This week’s Fullcast episode has been a technical nightmare. It’s not my fault, but you don’t believe that so whatever. Let’s just move on. If you want to listen to the episode, you can find it...

...sigh...

on the Podcast Ain’t Played Nobody feed. OR! You can read the whole thing below, because I got fed up and sent it out for transcription. I have not edited or checked any of this below, so it’s probably riddled with errors and therefore a true Fullcast experience. Are the 11,000 words below useful to anyone, ever? Nope, but, again, neither is the Fullcast.

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT.




Spencer Hall: Welcome to the Shutdown Fullcast, coming to you on the night after ... oh, man, they announced the college football playoff rankings for the first time. Because they said them out loud, that’s actually how they’re going to happen. Congratulations LSU!

Ryan Nanni: I’m pissed. I’m so pissed.

Spencer Hall: So angry! All I want to do is talk about it for the next 7 hours, and that’s what we’re going to do. It’s the 7 hour twitch.com, twitch.tv streaming college football playoffs.

Ryan Nanni: No, no. I didn’t agree to that. No.

Spencer Hall: No, you’re in. You’re in whether you like it or not.

Ryan Nanni: Dammit!

Jason Kirk: And what game are we playing? We’re playing Assassins Creed II that came out in 2009, I’m gonna guess.

Spencer Hall: We’re balling all night with NBA2K, 2007, the Maybe Tracy McGrady can still play edition.

Jason Kirk: We’re just playing straight NBA2K.

Spencer Hall: Yes, just 2K, 2000. Exactly.

Ryan Nanni: We got the version of NBA Live with Keith Van Horn on it.

Spencer Hall: We’re playing “Dick Vitale is a Baby Ballers 2001.”

Jason Kirk: Oh yeah baby! Look at that baby dunk! It’s a baby!

Ryan Nanni: Baby head mode.

Jason Kirk: Yeah, an actual baby with a basketball. [crosstalk 00:01:22] the ugly baby.

Ryan Nanni: Why is the baby doing the big balls dance? Baby shouldn’t do that.

Spencer Hall: Can you imagine big head mode Sam Cassell? It be like, nah, that shit’s redundant.

Ryan Nanni: Sorry, Sam Cassell, you are beautiful inside and out.

Spencer Hall: Maybe inside.

Ryan Nanni: He’s rich, though.

Spencer Hall: I was thinking Yao Ming on big head mode so he wouldn’t even fit in the screen, right? How are you guys doing?

Jason Kirk: Camera has to zoon all the way out!

Spencer Hall: Oh goodness, yeah.

Ryan Nanni: He keeps running into the jumbotron!

Spencer Hall: Yeah.

Ryan Nanni: Bonk! ARGH!

Spencer Hall: By the way, we’re not doing that. We’re not doing that at all. What we’re gonna do here tonight is, we’re kinda gonna talk about the playoff, I mean, not too seriously. Cause guess what, those rankings aren’t real.

Ryan Nanni: No, they are, they are. This is what the playoff is, they said so. Buy your tickets now.

Spencer Hall: Yeah, no, it’s got to happen like that. Sorry, ya’ll. That’s what’s happening.

Ryan Nanni: That’s the law.

Spencer Hall: They don’t have to happen like this. This isn’t necessarily your playoffs. It’s just a ranking, that’s all it is. In a rankings-plagued sport we have to get a show about rankings cause people can’t stop rankings.

Jason Kirk: And listen, these rankings are fine. We’ve had initial rankings in previous years, we’ve had people get mad at this or that. There’s really nothing to get mad about. Notre Dame, you probably should have beaten Ball State by more than eight fucking points, that’s it.

Ryan Nanni: As our roll as providers of breaking college football news, can one of you list the, just give us the top four in the initial, rather, college football rankings, playoffs rankings for this year.

Jason Kirk: Bama, Clemson, LSU, Notre Dame.

Ryan Nanni: Oh, I’m so mad! Oh, I’m so mad! Listen to Ryan.

Jason Kirk: But wait, I just want to hit you with eight and nine, Washington State and Kentucky. See? All better now.

Spencer Hall: Yeah, eight and nine is really... In life, eight and nine is really where it’s at. You don’t want to be in the top three but man, if you’re eighth or ninth out of a group of, you know, 136-35 at this point.

Jason Kirk: 130.

Spencer Hall: 130? Okay, 178, you’re really good, right? You don’t get too much pressure. You don’t get too much scrutiny.

Ryan Nanni: The people who win American Idol, and if you’re not famous three years later, it’s like, “Geez, bad job you.” The person that finished eighth, it’s just like, “Hey, you were on American Idol, that’s cool. Great for you!”

Jason Kirk: Guess what happened to the ninth best Wu Tang Member? Still in the Wu Tang. Even though he technically wasn’t. Guess what happened to the third best? He’s in heaven now. So...

Spencer Hall: Okay, so, who’s the richest man in America?

Ryan Nanni: Cappadonna?

Spencer Hall: No, Cappadonna is eighth. And you wouldn’t know that, right? Like, most people just wouldn’t know that. And that’s why being eighth is great. Cause everybody’s like, “Hey Jeff Bezos, you got a lot of money! I’m gonna tell ya what to do with it!” No one tells the eighth or ninth richest person what to do with their money, right? [crosstalk 00:04:44] Exactly, they’re like, “Steve? Steve has that much money? Nah! Impossible!”

Ryan Nanni: Harold

Spencer Hall: He drives a Celica!

Ryan Nanni: Harold Walton, eighth richest man.

Jason Kirk: Does it feel like being like the sixth most important Walmart family member is like a pretty good metaphor for Kentucky? Like, their kinda just ran cause they were friends with like, you know, Bama and Tennessee. And like, 100 years ago.

Spencer Hall: Yeah.

Jason Kirk: That’s kinda why like they’re here.

Spencer Hall: No, I really, like, as far as this is, if you were Washington State at any point in your history and someone says, “In this ranking, we have you at nine.” You’d go, “Cash out!”

Jason Kirk: Yup! Hold!

Spencer Hall: It’s like if I told you, “By the age of 50, you’ll be worth three million dollars,” you’d go...

Ryan Nanni: I like how you’re approaching this like it’s ‘Deal Or No Deal.’ Where you’re like, alright, you can take this number nine ranking or you can, nope, I’m good! I’m gonna walk!

Jason Kirk: Yup, gimme!

Spencer Hall: Yeah! If I told you, listen, if I told you, if you told me before the season, “Hey man, Florida is going to be eleventh in this poll, right?”

Ryan Nanni: Yeah, yeah.

Jason Kirk: What if I told you, “Hey, Florida is going to be ahead of UCF.” Good, we’ll take it! Meanwhile, the corollary, if you told Ohio State, “You’ll be behind Washington State and Kentucky.”

Spencer Hall: No deal!

Jason Kirk: No deal! No deal!

Ryan Nanni: How far down does this bull go? Good god, what happened?

Jason Kirk: Well, we’re 79th.

Spencer Hall: Yeah.

Jason Kirk: How far does the media witch hunt go?

Spencer Hall: How far does the deep Ohio State get down there?

Jason Kirk: How far did the deep state Mueller probe go? Ya’ll saw the news today about the, whoever the Twitter kid is? The 20-year-old hedge fund banded for life guy [crosstalk 00:06:47].

Spencer Hall: Jacob Wohl.

Jason Kirk: I’m not smart enough to comment beyond that, other than to say, “What a fucking criminal mastermind, man.” I just wanted to mention it.

Spencer Hall: Man, that guy was banned from the entire finance industry at the age of 20.

Jason Kirk: Legend!

Spencer Hall: Legend!

Jason Kirk: Got his ass an NCAA ‘show cause’ when he was still a grad assistant.

Spencer Hall: Somebody said he strolled into some bank and was like, “Yeah listen, I’m gonna need a...” Like some investment firm and he was like, “Yeah, listen...”

Ryan Nanni: ”Hello gentlemen, I’ve secured a massive loan and I’m just gonna need for you to top it.”

Spencer Hall: He did! He just walked in and was like, “Yeah, yo, I need a Bloomburg terminal and I need $25 million dollars.” What an awesome pitch!

Ryan Nanni: ”Or else I’m gonna try to take down the entire FBI.”

Spencer Hall: Sure, you tried it.

Ryan Nanni: Knock your little ass out! This would be like Bobby Petrino now like, “I might take the Brown’s job, you should extend my contract.”

Spencer Hall: Do it! You know who might bite?

Ryan Nanni: Oh, the Brown’s call? “Oh, hey Booby, boy, we’ll we wish you the best of luck and we’re gonna miss you!”

Jason Kirk: Bye! I think we may need to slip into a side room and discuss the particulars of [inaudible 00:08:12]

Ryan Nanni: Bye! Bye!

Spencer Hall: You just need one, man.

Jason Kirk: Wouldn’t you like to perhaps, sweeten my deal? No, bye, bye!

Ryan Nanni: Maybe come over the top?

Jason Kirk: Maybe grease the palms a little bit?

Ryan Nanni: Bye!

Spencer Hall: You know what? It just takes one, man. The sheer optimism there, in addition to the sociopathy.

Ryan Nanni: And that’s why Bobby Patrino is gonna be the next Cowboys coach. Jerry Jones has already fought for him once, he’ll do it again.

Spencer Hall: That’s true. That’s literally true.

Ryan Nanni: Yeah.

Jason Kirk: That’s not a joke. That’s literally true.

Ryan Nanni: We tell no lies here.

Spencer Hall: I mean, yeah, it’s gonna happen.

Jason Kirk: So that’s your playoff rankings recap.

Ryan Nanni: At least Louisville doesn’t have a terrifying opponent this week, whoops.

Jason Kirk: Oh god.

Spencer Hall: Oh yeah, who do they play this week? I think that’s as good a time as any to really get started with this, don’t you?

Jason Kirk: So they started the year as a 30-something point underdog to Alabama. Surely that was as bad as it was gonna get, right? No.

Spencer Hall: Nope, nope.

Jason Kirk: They are 38 point underdogs at Clemson. Jesus, don’t watch this game. We’ll, actually, maybe watch this game.

Ryan Nanni: It depends on what you’re into.

Jason Kirk: I’ll be quite frank, I might watch this.

Spencer Hall: I’m gonna, we’ll make the internet a deal, okay? We’ll watch it for you and we’ll cue you at the parts where the Hulk starts to throw Loki around, okay? That’s what we’ll do, we’ll cue it up. When we’re like, “The thrashings reaching a good fever pitch!”

Jason Kirk: Ya’ll gotta see this shit!

Spencer Hall: That’s what we’ll do. Basically, this is our job for you, okay? We watch the game so we can be...

Ryan Nanni: You’re saying you’re gonna make a videotape of somebody getting rammed?

Jason Kirk: Yessir!

Spencer Hall: I’m never even gonna have a sexual impulse again. Just not, just not happening.

Jason Kirk: Just want to point out real quick, playoff rankings. Shout out to Iowa State. I did not expect them to be ranked there. The only actual surprise on here, I think, they manage to put three points on Iowa. That’s pretty good. They managed to hold Oklahoma below 40. That’s pretty good. And they kicked the shit out of West Virginia. That’ll get you ranked man, even if you lose to sorry ass TCU. So shout out to Iowa State.

Spencer Hall: Yeah, they’ve been magnificent this year despite having, I think, what would be a whole heap of nothing. Again ...

Jason Kirk: It would have been a magnificent four and three, yes.

Spencer Hall: They are! They’re probably, are they the best four and three team? I would say yes.

Jason Kirk: Well, yeah, yeah.

Spencer Hall: Easily. The thing I was gonna say, our job is this. We are the people who sit there and wait outside the bar and then yell inside, “Ya’ll come out! T-Nuts is about to beat the crap out of Randy!”

Ryan Nanni: ”Oh man, he keyed his truck!”

Spencer Hall: Yeah, that’s what we’re doing. We’re the gawkers who are just telling you what to look for. We’re the people on Waze who label wrecks, right? Ooh, gotta see this one!

Ryan Nanni: Before we get into the game’s of this week, we tried something new where we ask you, faithful listeners, if you’re on Twitter at least, to send us the plausible, and we’ll talk about how some of you maybe abuse that definition. Four playoff teams that you would most like to see. And we’re not gonna talk about that in terms of like, “Well, I think that would be an interesting...” No. We’re just gonna use that to make an important conclusion as to, whether or not we can be friends. I think we each, well, Spencer didn’t do it right but that’s fine. I think we each picked one that would be our best friend, based on their submission.

Spencer Hall: I’m not good at having friends, Ryan.

Ryan Nanni: I know, no, no, no, no, you did it right for you. So I don’t want to...

Jason Kirk: No, listen, we are all married men who are no longer in college, none of us are good for having friends. That’s besides the point.

Spencer Hall: I was bad at it before, dawg. That’s where I’m at, it’s not good.

Jason Kirk: That’s why we have each other. That’s why we have this podcast.

Ryan Nanni: You watched Moon and you were like, “That looks great! He’s just up there by himself with himself. Fucking great!”

Spencer Hall: The worst part about Moon was that, you know, he had to hang out with himself.

Jason Kirk: There’s still too many people, man.

Ryan Nanni: Yeah, but then he can just kill himself and it’s fine.

Spencer Hall: That’s not what I do with myself.

Ryan Nanni: Oh Jesus.

Jason Kirk: What do you do with yourself?

Spencer Hall: I actually did mean that. You know, like, if you...

Ryan Nanni: I know, I know, I know. Jason, what was the submission that most seems appealing to you as a potential friend.

Jason Kirk: The submission that appeals appealing to me? From, I don’t really know how to pronounce his handle. SCAUSE_EH? S-C-A-U-S-E underscore E-H. So, there were several that went for all flexbone triple option teams. I’m deeply offended by some of them. One of them included “The Citadel.” The mother-fucking Citadel. One had all the service academies at Georgia Tech. Respect for that, FBS only, it is an FBS event. But I’m gonna go with SCUZZAY for putting Kennesaw State, Washington State, Purdue and UCF into the playoff. Real quick, UCF if you’re complaining about ranked number twelve, shut the fuck up.

Spencer Hall: Shut up. Come on man.

Jason Kirk: Just shut the fuck up. You have played no one. No one!

Spencer Hall: That’s mostly not your fault.

Jason Kirk: It doesn’t matter. Now first off, if you’re playing no one you need to kick the shit out of the teams you’re playing, you did that last year.

Spencer Hall: Hi Houston.

Jason Kirk: Last year or last year?

Spencer Hall: Houston is really good at this.

Jason Kirk: Last year’s not this year, okay? So, UCF just shut the fuck up and win your conference. Beat Temple, a team that’s lost to Villanova by like 40 points and then maybe we’ll talk. Anyway we’re the one seed and you’re the four seed so, here we come. We’re ranked like 105th in Sagarin, we’re like the eighth best team in FCS but we, like you UCF haven’t played shit so we’re ranked way too highly. See, we get along. We get along, us and UCF, we understand each other. Meanwhile Washington State and Purdue, I think Washington State was in every single foursome ya’ll submitted, so that’s fine man. That’s awesome, this is a Coug’s household and our listenership is as well. I’m fully on board and Purdue, yup, cho-cho, let’s do it. Mainly I just take this one cause my team’s in it.

Spencer Hall: I like that, now...

Ryan Nanni: You’re honest about that, yeah.

Spencer Hall: Yeah. Ryan, who did you pick?

Ryan Nanni: This is from INSPECTOR177. This was a hard one to choose but I like it. My playoff for INSPECTOR177, this is why we’re best friends now. Kentucky, Washington State, Virginia, West Virginia. Holy shit! Imagine, what is this broadcast even going to be like. What are they going to talk about? Who is the blue blood here? Who is the most, is West Virginia the blue blood?

Jason Kirk: It’s West Virginia!

Spencer Hall: Yeah, yeah. It’s West Virginia.

Jason Kirk: At least they’ve almost been here before.

Ryan Nanni: Yeah. This would be so delightful because like, the country wouldn’t know what to do. Who is the underdog here? Who is the favorite? Nothing makes sense. It’s amazing! And it’s also...

Jason Kirk: Virginia is the underdog.

Ryan Nanni: It’s also one that isn’t like, yes, it would need a lot of things to happen. But you can see the paths for all of them. Kentucky wins out. Washington State wins out. West Virginia wins out. Virginia, if they win out, yes, they’ll have two loses but, if the right things happen in the other situations, it’s not like... and that’s why I really liked it, is that, I can see this future. It is, like Dr. Strange, it is the only one, out of like 578 thousand combinations that ends in this four. But it exists out there.

Spencer Hall: Also some genuine superheros and demigods have to die to make it happen.

Ryan Nanni: Yeah, yeah.

Spencer Hall: Right? Alabama’s got to go.

Jason Kirk: Alabama has to lose to LSU and Kentucky.

Ryan Nanni: Lincoln Riley, I don’t feel so good.

Jason Kirk: West Virginia’s got to beat Oklahoma twice.

Spencer Hall: I think Lincoln Riley...

Jason Kirk: Clemson’s gotta like, collapse or like, go on a mission, like we’re gonna build homes in Bogota in January.

Ryan Nanni: Northwestern wins the Big 10 Championship.

Jason Kirk: You need Northwestern to win the Big 10.

Spencer Hall: Do they have several weeks to study someone else’s notes? They do.

Ryan Nanni: Spencer, let’s go with the one you picked in your own weird, anti-social way.

Spencer Hall: I picked at SANBEJOYCE’s, okay, UCF’s in there. Prove it, prove it, UCF, come on. You say you’re the champs, step up. Sam’s giving you an in. Also, I really enjoy people trying to say anything UCF, but boy, it’s an upstart program. I mean, they’ve been off and on good for like 20 and 25 years. They have a massive state university, they’ve got recognizable draft picks but whatever.

Ryan Nanni: Daunte Culpepper’s own.

Spencer Hall: Blake Bortles. Get Blake Bortles name out of your mouth.

Ryan Nanni: Come on, let’s at least lead with Daunte Culpepper, please.

Spencer Hall: The good name of Shaquem Griffin aside, okay. Blake Bortles and Jacksonville sitting right there for you, you know, join us. Just fly into Randy “Macho Man” Savage International Airport.

Jason Kirk: Non-international airport.

Spencer Hall: Sorry, non-international airport. Good places gone so hard on Jacksonville and I adore it. It only makes them stronger.

Jason Kirk: Man, if ya’ll haven’t watched last week’s episode, anybody out there, if you’ve never watched this show, watch last week’s. It’s like, a documentary on the state of Florida.

Spencer Hall: The taxi cabs at the airports are monster trucks, it’s magnificent. The SANBEJOYCE also has WAZZU in there. Great, cool, I’m fine. I’ve given up on life making sense. I don’t want to live seeing three months from now, let’s go. Put WAZZU in. Kentucky, same, explained. Don’t you wanna watch, “Here come the Kentucky faithful into the stands.” Yes, I want to see that. Kentucky fans confused and traveling, like animals released into the wild, right? For the first time going...

Jason Kirk: They show up at Georgia Dome for the SEC basketball tournament even though, “Wait no, your game’s at the Cotton Bowl, ya’ll.” “We’re here, ya’ll. It’s the Jerry Dome! I’ve only been here for Wrestle Mania. Maybe the Final Four”

Spencer Hall: I was like, well, what would really, cause typically what would one would do is they would have, you know, one wild card, one sort of non power five, right? And then they would have maybe a beloved underdog in here and then, I think you’d get an established power. You’d want somebody in here to be the, the control. You need a control team if you’re picking a group of four.

Ryan Nanni: You’re Clemson, you’re Bama, something like that.

Spencer Hall: Sure, you want a control team. Sam disagrees with science. There are no controls. There are only test groups. And if you want a test group and you want one with an extremely high casualty rate and a really, really weird, weird plot diagram, yeah, he put Iowa in here. He put the Iowa Hawkeyes in the playoff.

Jason Kirk: Kind of a control group, right? That’s how they want to win a game.

Spencer Hall: It’s the control group you find out is tainted with plague.

Jason Kirk: ”Alright boys, we’re gonna get out there and we’re gonna control their group.”

Spencer Hall: Yeah, that’s what we’re gonna do. What are you gonna do? “We’re gonna score 14 points the hard way, every time.”

Jason Kirk: ”Alright boys, let’s try to get five field goals, that’s all we need. Let’s try to hold them to four.”

Ryan Nanni: It’s like a PH test. I was, you know, right at seven, or whatever it is, depending on if you’re above or below. That’s who you are.

Spencer Hall: Yeah, this is somebody who gets to the party and says, “Well, I had this stuff in my car and we’re gonna make dip out of it. Don’t know how but we’re gonna make it happen.” That’s were this gets really perverse. And not that you and I would be best friends, Sam. But I don’t really have any best friends. I have a collection of good friends and then I don’t talk to any of them. That’s what I want to do with this playoff is sit there and go, “I admire all of you. I’ll watch none of it.”

Jason Kirk: It’s really touching, Spencer.

Ryan Nanni: Yeah.

Spencer Hall: I know, I know. Friendship is a powerful thing.

Ryan Nanni: I gathered a few more that I want us to review collectively to figure out if we would be friends with these people. I’m gonna start with, let’s do this one from CHAINSAW511. Bama, Washington State, Michigan, UCF. Are we friends with this person, based on these four?

Jason Kirk: Yes, because we get to relitigate the 1998 Rose Bowl.

Ryan Nanni: Jesus.

Jason Kirk: In which WAZZU...

Jason Kirk: 1998 Rose Bowl-

Ryan Nanni: Jesus.

Jason Kirk: ... in which WSU was screwed.

Ryan Nanni: Spencer, are you gonna be friends with this person?

Spencer Hall: No, BC’s in there. It’s not that I dislike BC, I just think that there’s anything [crosstalk 00:22:15].

Ryan Nanni: No, you’re not even listening. You’re just looking at the list.

Jason Kirk: Spencer’s a visual learner.

Ryan Nanni: God dammit, we’re on the third one down.

Spencer Hall: I’m sorry. BC’s in that one.

Ryan Nanni: No.

Spencer Hall: It’s just-

Ryan Nanni: No.

Spencer Hall: ... I’m interpreting the word Michigan differently. Sorry.

Ryan Nanni: Oh right. Right. The Boston College of the bug 10, how could I forget?

Spencer Hall: Oh, come on. If there were an actual Jesuit institution that were public it’d be Michigan.

Ryan Nanni: The famous nickname for the Michigan Wolverines.

Spencer Hall: That’s right.

Jason Kirk: It’s the Don Brown connection that’s-

Spencer Hall: The Jesuit Badger; the wolverine.

Jason Kirk: Wherever Don Brown-

Spencer Hall: I demand more logic!

Jason Kirk: Wherever Don Brown goes, that team is now Boston College.

Spencer Hall: That’s true. No, actually I would be friends with this person, that’s fine because I think this actually ... if you wanted to play out I think Bama/Michigan’s a really interesting match up. I do. Like if that happens in the playoff I’m actually okay with that.

Jason Kirk: Yeah.

Ryan Nanni: All right.

Spencer Hall: Not that they’re going to win-

Jason Kirk: The best defense versus the high flying offense.

Spencer Hall: Yeah, not that they’re going to win, but it’d be interesting.

Ryan Nanni: [inaudible 00:23:13] fights. Can Bama’s big 12 shoot-out style beat Michigan?

Spencer Hall: Also, I’ve seen Shea Patterson versus Alabama before. Let’s go! Let’s do that game.

Ryan Nanni: Also, in a playoff scenario where WSU gets UCF and WSU fans are all ganked up like, “Oh, yeah excellent we drew the group of five team that hasn’t played it ...” Yeah, Washington State’s going to Coug the fuck out of that game. 100%.

Spencer Hall: Oh yeah, there’s no ... I mean, they could win. It wouldn’t be intentionally.

Jason Kirk: That feels like the one where like the internet makes Bobby Hill or Bart Simpson, or whichever, smoke the whole entire carton of cigarettes. Like, okay internet. You want UCF in here? You want Washington State in here? Okay, let’s see how that shit goes.

Ryan Nanni: We’re going to ruin your New Year. Look at this. Watch all of it.

Jason Kirk: Let’s see how this winning team looks against Bama. Great.

Ryan Nanni: Let’s do the one Spencer thought we were doing. This is from PL Burnstein ‘92.

Jason Kirk: Yes.

Ryan Nanni: LSU/Boston College, WSU/Oklahoma. I say-

Spencer Hall: My feelings have been stated on this.

Ryan Nanni: You were clear. Copy and paste.

Spencer Hall: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Ryan Nanni: This is work friend, and by that I mean like you are fun, you make the office a fun place, and I like talking to you at work, but our personal lives should not overlap because you’re the kind of person who says, “Yes. LSU and Boston College, you belong in the same place at the same time,” and that means you have made your own fireworks at some point.

Jason Kirk: I like looking at these as if they’re one versus four match-ups, even if they weren’t intended that way.

Ryan Nanni: Sure.

Jason Kirk: LSU/Oklahoma, that’s a great fucking game. Kyler Murray versus my son Joe Burrow, the two best quarterbacks in college football more or less. Everyone agrees?

Ryan Nanni: The most valued [crosstalk 00:25:02] yeah, valued transfers. So ...

Jason Kirk: Yeah. Yeah, the top two on that or any other list. And then BC/WSU ...

Ryan Nanni: God it’s a lot of maroon. Lot of maroon on one field. Just going to look like a bruise of a football game.

Jason Kirk: I would say I’d like to hear Steve Addazio’s opinion on the air raid. Do you think he’s literally ever heard of it?

Ryan Nanni: What historical topic could Mike Leach bring up that Steve Addazio could speak to accurately.

Spencer Hall: D Day! D Day!

Ryan Nanni: Dude Day!

Spencer Hall: Dude Day! Just a bunch of dudes getting shot.

Ryan Nanni: Storming Norman-dude-beach.

Jason Kirk: What’s better than this? Dude’s getting blasted to hell.

Spencer Hall: Because you know what faking at Calais and landing in Normandy is? That’s pulling a guard.

Ryan Nanni: That’s play action!

Spencer Hall: That’s [inaudible 00:26:00] power baby.

Ryan Nanni: That’s what that is. God.

Jason Kirk: It’s a play, straight up Hitler’s ass.

Spencer Hall: Yeah, no I think they could ... you know if we turned this towards World War II that’s good. You know-

Ryan Nanni: That’s probably the entire historical window.

Spencer Hall: That’s it. That’s all you got, because I know I’m like, “What historical period does Steve Addazio think he’s really familiar with?” World War II. [Leeds 00:26:25] starts talking about Japan versus Russia, like two years before World War II. “Huh? No, Russia was a [inaudible 00:26:31]-

Ryan Nanni: No way!

Spencer Hall: ... kid. I’m sorry my friend, I think you’re mistaken.” Leeds starts talking about the Korean War. “Huh? No, we don’t talk to the Koreans.”

Ryan Nanni: My guys collected scrap tin for the war effort. Steve Addazio is one of the Japanese soldiers in the islands who doesn’t realize the war’s over.

Spencer Hall: Yeah. No they could talk about that, and they could talk about ... They would do that thing where they would go, “You know, we don’t do it the way they do it, but I really respect their commitment to it,” which is my favorite thing to say about anybody.

Ryan Nanni: Right.

Spencer Hall: Right? Like, you say, “Man, that guy on the corner who’s got a ball of masking tape that he’s talking to like it’s a person, I respect his commitment to that.” When football coaches say that, that’s what they mean. Right? They’re like, “I really appreciate how completely wrong they are all the time, about how to football.” Also, if this game actually happened, Washington State would have three points for like 40 minutes out of the game and they would finish with 38. That’s how it would happen. It would take them ... Be like, “Oh, that’s how you do it. Okay. That’s-”

Ryan Nanni: Oh, you have to unscrew it the other way. Weird.

Spencer Hall: Yeah.

Jason Kirk: Also, don’t rule out this game happening in the Sun Bowl, because WSU you have been this high before. That’s all I’m saying.

Ryan Nanni: Jesus. How do we feel about West Virginia/Virginia, Utah/Kentucky? Submitted by Blart McCartney.

Jason Kirk: God, can you imagine Utah versus Kentucky?

Spencer Hall: I don’t like Utah ... I don’t like the type of game where-

Jason Kirk: We’re talking about a game where Utah is the more shootout prone team.

Spencer Hall: I mean, that’s unreal man. I mean I’m for it, don’t get me wrong, I want this to happen. But ...

Ryan Nanni: This would be the playoff that leads to like, “Okay, we’re going back to two. Sorry. Sorry guys. We thought four was a good idea necessary, we’re going back to two. Actually we’re scrapping-”

Jason Kirk: We’re going to try three.

Ryan Nanni: We’re scrapping the bowl system. We’re just going to do end of season poll. Just keep it that way. That worked. That worked for a long time. We forgot what the good times looked like.

Jason Kirk: The culture’s poll matters now, sorry. We did this on purpose.

Ryan Nanni: Blart, we can’t be friends, because man, deep sadness, deep sadness resides within you and I want you to find a way to work on that, but I don’t have time. It’ can’t be me, I can’t carry that emotional weight for you. I’m sorry.

Jason Kirk: I think my favorite thing about this field is ... you know how when the playoff is like, it includes Bama, Clemson, Georgia, or like Bama, Florida State and ... you know when it’s ever confined to the South East?

Ryan Nanni: Uh-huh (affirmative)

Jason Kirk: Well you know everyone says, “Well, the rest of the country’s not going to watch this,” and then they do. This one, I kind of do worry about that. If you confine it mostly to West Virginia, Virginia and Kentucky, that is ... boy that is a specific region.

Ryan Nanni: Why is there a playoff game on the TV Guide channel? What? Who put that there?

Jason Kirk: They’re literally playing on the Appalachian Trail. Well never fear, here comes Salt Lake City markets to right this thing where everyone goes to sleep at 7:00.

Spencer Hall: Listen, when you can get that Salt Lake City market, you take it. I’ll watch half this game after I get back from prayer meeting.

Ryan Nanni: Too left, that I want to throw at you. This one is just so evil. This is from [Scrometin 00:30:15]: “Alabama/Georgia, Michigan/Ohio State.”

Spencer Hall: Alabama, god.

Jason Kirk: This is like ... What is the ... This is the normy dream.

Spencer Hall: Yeah. You know like, I don’t ... I don’t want to see Ohio State in the playoffs. I don’t, because it feels like this Ohio State team is slowly in the throes of a de-Urban Meyer-ification, right? Like they’re going to ... I mean, he’s going to quit, right? They’re [inaudible 00:30:53] this up.

Ryan Nanni: He’s going to spend time with his family, and we respect him for understanding the balance of work life needs and the other bullshit we lie to ourselves ... yeah. I mean ...

Jason Kirk: Yeah. I just want him to go buy a boat and take a nap. Just please, for the love of god, just go take a long nap.

Spencer Hall: Dude, you know how much I love-

Jason Kirk: Somewhere-

Spencer Hall: Do you know how much I love when people just disappear and sit on their piles of money? Go ahead, do that. It’s great. I think it’s awesome. I think you should totally do that, Urban Meyer. Because this is all being slowly massaged and set up for a departure, right?

Ryan Nanni: We’re recording this on October 30th, 2018. Are we going to get the Urban Meyer really is reevaluating the importance of those around him and reassessing. When are we getting that loving long piece? Before the end of the-

Spencer Hall: Well-

Ryan Nanni: Before the end of the National Championship, or after?

Jason Kirk: I’m going to say as soon as Kentucky beats Georgia and it’s clear Mark Stoops has the Buckeye job in line.

Spencer Hall: Woo! That’s a heater. Yeah, no.

Jason Kirk: They said they wanted a Stoops.

Ryan Nanni: That’s true.

Spencer Hall: They didn’t say which one, and if you have the choice of two ...

Jason Kirk: Make it three. Mike’s available.

Spencer Hall: I was including Mike in that actually.

Ryan Nanni: That might an upgrade at defensive coordinator. You don’t know.

Jason Kirk: Woo.

Spencer Hall: Yeah, I mean, Bob’s not coming back man.

Jason Kirk: Bob’s gone. Bob has a beard. Bob’s gone.

Ryan Nanni: Will we be friends with you Skromiten? I’ll be friends with you.

Spencer Hall: No.

Ryan Nanni: I’ll be friends with you based on this one because I like that you just want to make other people mad. That’s all this playoff would do, and that’s fine with me.

Jason Kirk: The only thing I want to say about Ohio State is that we’re talking about a coaching change. I just don’t ... No, Urban please, just go take a long vacation, please. I’ve had enough.

Ryan Nanni: And the last one. This one we’re going to get ... There’s another one ... ah, I’m going to skip it. I’m sorry to that person. So, the last one I’m going to do is from Jpop942: LSU/Washington State, Kentucky/Arizona State. Because in Jpop’s words, “The Sun Devils are winning the pack 12 self and not a single soul is about to tell Herm that division champs don’t get an automatic playoff bid. He said he was bringing the NFL to college.” I love this.

Jason Kirk: Checks out.

Ryan Nanni: Jpop, we’re not best friends but I would help you ... I would say I was going to help you move and then that morning be like, “Oh, I’m really sick. I’m sorry.”

Jason Kirk: Jpop’s in the friend ... Jpop’s on the friends list.

Ryan Nanni: Yeah.

Spencer Hall: Yeah, now you put Herm in and that to me, that to me says that you listen, and I really appreciate friends who at least pretend to listen. So-

Ryan Nanni: Nothing would make me happier than if we decided that the college football playoff was not ... you know everybody likes to float. Okay, well what if we made automatic bids if you win the conference? But what if we just made it on division? How many ... and we just said, “Yeah, the conference championship, that’s actually the first round of the playoffs. You’re in if you win your garbage division effort.” Oh my god. Just the anger and the frustration that that would lead to ... fucking beautiful.

Jason Kirk: Is this all divisions? Because FIU is in this thing.

Spencer Hall: Yeah.

Ryan Nanni: The other reason why I like this; it screws the big 12. “What? God damn it!”

Jason Kirk: ”God damn it. We don’t ...”

Spencer Hall: Would they just invent some divisions? Cut half way down to anger everybody? Right? Like-

Jason Kirk: They’re like, “Fine, we got a Baylor division and a not-Baylor division.”

Spencer Hall: We have a bottom half. That’s it. It-

Ryan Nanni: It would be Texas division. That way Texas always wins.

Spencer Hall: Texas division. Members: Texas.

Ryan Nanni: ”All right boys, we’re in again.”

Spencer Hall: Shall we actually talk about games? Is that something we’re going to do tonight? I think-

Ryan Nanni: We can [crosstalk 00:35:17] we can and we will.

Spencer Hall: All right.

Jason Kirk: There are several large ones. We will definitely start with one of those.

Ryan Nanni: You don’t have to watch any weekday games this week.

Jason Kirk: No.

Ryan Nanni: We absolve you of that responsibility. Yes, Pitt is playing. Yes, we still love Pitt. You don’t have to watch the Pitt game.

Jason Kirk: Very, very, very, very, very quick note. Very quick note. Very quick note.

Ryan Nanni: Yeah, yeah.

Jason Kirk: If Pitt beats Virginia, Pitt is in first place in the [inaudible 00:35:46].

Ryan Nanni: And again-

Jason Kirk: Meaning-

Ryan Nanni: ... imagine if that meant a playoff spot for Pitt.

Jason Kirk: Meaning we are not counting this as the discharge of the super weapon. We never said that the super weapon had actually been fired. It has been building this entire time. Clemson/Pitt, watch your ass Clemson.

Spencer Hall: It’s coming back around again.

Jason Kirk: It’s happened before.

Ryan Nanni: I assure you this battle station is quite operational. No.

Spencer Hall: It’s got some really bootleg parts. Contractors might have cut a few corners.

Ryan Nanni: God, why does the emperor of french fries and his light saber, that’s weird.

Spencer Hall: This battle station is nearly fairly operational.

Ryan Nanni: Feel the hate flowing with [inaudible 00:36:42]

Spencer Hall: Feel the hate flowing with the [inaudible 00:36:46]. We’re going to blow up Alderaan.

Ryan Nanni: Inder. The first man of Inder.

Spencer Hall: Indernam. Dirth, of Dirth [inaudible 00:36:58]. Emperor [inaudible 00:37:04].

Ryan Nanni: ”Why does his suit look like that?” “Oh, we’re going to paint it Steelers’ colors. Steelers’ colors.”

Spencer Hall: Steelers’ colors.

Ryan Nanni: All right. Number 19, Syracuse at Wake Forest.

Jason Kirk: Syracuse is a top 20 team.

Ryan Nanni: Yeah. Okay. I don’t know who put this there. It might’ve been me. I might’ve done this in a fugue state. I can’t promise.

Jason Kirk: It wasn’t me. It wasn’t me.

Spencer Hall: It wasn’t me. Usually I’m good for that, but no.

Ryan Nanni: Okay, so I put Syracuse at Wake Forest on this list. Oh, I remember why I did this, because if Syracuse can win this game I think they don’t have anybody that interesting before the Notre Dame game. In between this and the Notre Dame game. I forget who they have next. Oh, they have Louisville after this. So if they beat Wake, they should be at Louisville even though it’s on short rest. Then, it’s probably like a pretty well ranked Syracuse team facing Notre Dame in Yankee Stadium, so that at least has potential interest, maybe. I don’t know.

Jason Kirk: Yeah, wow.

Ryan Nanni: Yeah.

Spencer Hall: Yeah. I mean-

Jason Kirk: Who the fuck would have predicted that? Wow.

Ryan Nanni: Yeah.

Spencer Hall: I mean, yeah because Syracuse has more wins than a lot of teams, that if you compared them to Syracuse you would go, “No. No! That is not true, no.”

Jason Kirk: Yeah, I mean Syracuse is pretty suspect right now, but top 15 against the top 3 Notre Dame? We’re on course for that.

Ryan Nanni: Oh good, game day at Yankee Stadium. Hooray.

Jason Kirk: I mean, that’s going to happen. There’s nothing else that day. It’s going to happen.

Spencer Hall: You can’t stop that. Yeah.

Ryan Nanni: Jesus.

Spencer Hall: That’s a shiny thing that they’re going to grab at it.

Ryan Nanni: Now, the noon game I do remember putting on here is number 20 Texas A&M at Auburn because man somebody’s going to be real pissed they pay to coach a lot of money to lose this game. Somebody’s going to be so pissed. It doesn’t matter that Texas A&M has been pretty good this year. They just lost to Mississippi State, and if they hadn’t done that and they beat Auburn, Auburn fans can probably say like, “Well, you know that’s a good A&M squad and it’s down here, blah, blah, blah,” but now, especially because there is this added element of like, “Jimbo could’ve been ours. If only we’d had the guts to make the move, Jimbo could’ve been here.”

Spencer Hall: The Ole Miss game was a bit of a reprieve because remember the Gus Malzahn era is known for nothing else, it’s known for “In serious trouble. I don’t know, maybe it’s not that bad after we won that game. And back in trouble again.” Just know that he’s going to put his ass in the ditch again, and that’s going to happen because this is not ... Again, this is like my favorite, like they’ll go, “Oh, it was just Old Miss,” and circumstantially it’s going to look so bad for every reason you just described, and also because A&M just had a tough one. Never ever bet against the team that’s had kind of a tough, improbably loss going into a game against a team that’s like, “Hey, you know what? I don’t know this is so bad, guys. Feeling pretty good. I think we might’ve turned a corner. Maybe we don’t need an offensive line.”

Jason Kirk: So does Gus Law dictate ... if they lose this and lose this and lose to Georgia, then Gus Law would dictate beating Alabama.

Ryan Nanni: Yes.

Jason Kirk: If they ... hm. If they beat A&M then I don’t even know what Gus Law dictates.

Ryan Nanni: If they beat A&M get yourself to a Texas Agg’s message board as soon as possible.

Jason Kirk: Well, yes that. Yeah. If you beat A&M then maybe you play Georgia close and lose to Bama? I don’t know this is a tricky ... We need our preeminent Gus scholars here.

Spencer Hall: Yeah, I’m going to say that this was ... I’m going to say that there is a law, and the law would be that we’re going to be immediately into some serious bad Gus, Gus criticism, Gus crisis, some extreme bad Malzahning happening here.

Jason Kirk: I think maybe if you lose to A&M then Auburn is going to beat the shit out of Georgia, but then lose to Bama. Because we’ll think “Oh, we’re getting a repeat of last year.” No! We’re not.

Ryan Nanni: Okay. Anyway, you should maybe not watch this game, but be excited for the fallout from this game. That’s more what I want.

Spencer Hall: Again, we’ll wait outside the bar, and yell out who’s whooping who so you can come out at the right time.

Ryan Nanni: ”Hey man, Jimbo had a tire iron in his shorts.”

Spencer Hall: He would.

Ryan Nanni: He keeps it there for maintenance, and if it happens to be used in a fight, so be it.

Spencer Hall: You know-

Jason Kirk: Fancy ass tire iron though.

Spencer Hall: Mm-hmm (affirmative). You know when you’re bow hunting sometimes it doesn’t finish them off and you got to get out there and there’s two ways to go ahead and take a buck that’s just sitting there struggling, you don’t want it to go through all that pain. You need to go ahead and try to do this kind of pile driver move. I really don’t like it, you know they used to call it the Ohio Slammer, I don’t really like it that much. I prefer to just get an old tire iron out and I’m quick with it. I know it sounds brutal and everything but it really gets it done.

Ryan Nanni: Number 6 Georgia, at number 9 Kentucky.

Jason Kirk: Phew.

Ryan Nanni: Steaks, we got plenty. We got plenty.

Jason Kirk: Did you know Kentucky is too upsets away from the playoff in football? Just two of them.

Ryan Nanni: Unless they fuck around and lose to Louisville.

Jason Kirk: One of those ... Nobody’s losing to Lousiville.

Spencer Hall: Man, this is like saying that I have ... You know, seven summits; “I’ve climbed five of the tallest mountains in the world,” right? “I’ve climbed five of them.” Which ones do you have left? “Well ...”

Jason Kirk: One of them’s coming to you though. One of those mountains is in your backyard now.

Spencer Hall: Yeah, and then you-

Jason Kirk: Is that helpful? I don’t know.

Spencer Hall: You still have to go climb K2.

Jason Kirk: Yeah.

Ryan Nanni: There are only two ways this game goes. One is Georgia wins easily and we’re like, “Ah, Kentucky it was ...” you know, still a good season. Good on you. The other version of this game is brutally ugly. Brutally, grindingly, unpleasantly ugly.

Jason Kirk: Hell yeah.

Spencer Hall: Yeah.

Ryan Nanni: Like Spencer trying to swim, ugly.

Spencer Hall: Yeah. That bad. Like Arthur Morgan trying to rock climb. Right?

Jason Kirk: Unless you put his climbing jeans on him.

Spencer Hall: ”Put the climbing jeans on. And my climbing boots”, which are the boots I do everything else in.

Jason Kirk: I got my climbing jeans on.

Spencer Hall: Put some beans on the rocks.

Ryan Nanni: Mostly I like that you’re using Red Dead 2 as an excuse to virtually drink champagne in a bathtub.

Spencer Hall: That’s all I’m doing. The worst part is I got like a $300 bounty in that town for killing, I don’t know, 20 officers of the law in the street. And I had to run. And the thing I was maddest about was, that was the place with the champagne in the tub. And I’m like, “I can’t go back there Micah. You asshole.”

Jason Kirk: Micah’s a fucking dumbass man. Soon as I can enter that town without getting a fucking nuke dropped on me, I’m throwing his ass back in that jail.

Spencer Hall: Yeah. You know what I’m going to do. I’m bringing Micah’s head in a gunny sack. And I’ll be like, “That’s my payment for the room. Run my bath.”

Jason Kirk: Champagne please.

Spencer Hall: Yeah, exactly. I’m sorry, “Champagne please. Give me the stuff with the bubbles in it. I’m a simple man. I can’t read this champagne. Champagne. Sounds like the type of shit they’d invent in a fancy town like San Antonio.”

Ryan Nanni: The Sandman has another-

Spencer Hall: Oh. Sandman’s lot.

Ryan Nanni: Cold-

Jason Kirk: Brring. Brring. Winner’s calling y’all. FSU at NC State.

Jason Kirk: If you picked this up on Sunday, all you had to lay was 6.5 points to take the Wolf Pack. If you pick it up now, it’ll be more like 8, 8.5. But, I mean, NC State should ...

Jason Kirk: I just want to point out Tomahawk Nation Bud Elliot put up a post about how Willie Taggart is frustrated with a large part of FSU’s roster that has quit for the third year in a row, as Bud put the last part, but Taggart is upset with the number of his players who have quit. Does that sound like a team that can come within a touchdown of NC State, in Raleigh, in the Wolf Den?

Jason Kirk: No. Go ahead. Ring it up. NC State, to the window. Let’s do it.

Ryan Nanni: This is the Sandman lock of the season that I feel most iffy about.

Spencer Hall: It’s all ... yeah.

Jason Kirk: What? Just because it’s NC State?

Ryan Nanni: Just because it’s NC State and just because it’s NC State still with a chance to be like, “Hey, we can win.” You look at the rest of the schedule and say, “Oh, NC State could win 10 games.” Yeah, that’s where NC State does some dumb shit and doesn’t win 10 games.

Spencer Hall: Yeah, but you know what? FSU is real bad right now.

Jason Kirk: FSU’s really [crosstalk 00:46:50].

Ryan Nanni: They are. And they’re-

Spencer Hall: They’re real bad.

Ryan Nanni: They’re leading wide-out is suspended for the first half of this game. I hear what you’re saying. I just don’t know that it necessarily negates the NC State-ness of the universe.

Jason Kirk: That’s fine. That’s fair and I understand it. Also, it is a look ahead game for the ‘Noles, who have to go at Notre Dame next week.

Ryan Nanni: Jesus Christ.

Jason Kirk: So, that’s fine. It gets worse. It gets worse. What if FSU ... just real quick. What if FSU beats Notre Dame? I just want to put that out there.

Spencer Hall: And then loses to Florida.

Jason Kirk: Sure. Yeah. Beats Notre Dame and beats ... is this? Let me see if this is still possible. Yes. Beats Notre Dame and misses a bowl. Let’s do it. Let’s do it.

Ryan Nanni: Number 13 West Virginia at number 17 Texas.

Ryan Nanni: Chicken bet. Key game for the chicken bet arguably.

Spencer Hall: Crucial.

Ryan Nanni: If Texas-

Spencer Hall: And I would say that ... I’m just going to lay this out there. Okay. I’m feeling okay with this. Not great, to be emotionally frank with you here, okay. Because I feel okay with it because West Virginia, when confronted by stout, crafty defenses, which Texas has been at least 63% of the time this season. I told you I was feeling okay with it. I can see a way where they blow this, because West Virginia has already blown a game.

Jason Kirk: Half of these boats sit in capsize. How can you sue me for fraud.

Spencer Hall: You know what? I’m not an engineer, I’m a problem solver, okay? You do the nerd math on how this works, okay? And I’ll get everyone out of Dunkirk. That’s what I’m going to do, okay? We’re getting ... you might hate me when we’re done Texas, but we’re getting over the line and you’re all going to make it with me. Except for [Brecken Mier 00:48:58]. He’s already gone. He’s a casualty, all right.

Jason Kirk: Don’t blame me. I’m an influencer.

Spencer Hall: Yeah. That’s all I’m doing. I’m just influencing us out of this battle zone and winning us some chicken, okay. Because you can’t lose another game Daniel.

Ryan Nanni: I like that in a weird way, no matter what happens, the outcome is bad for Oklahoma. Because it either means that, if West Virginia wins, Texas continues to tumble and now their loss is worse. If Texas wins, now the chances that we’re going to get a really good Big 12 Championship game have gone down a bit.

Jason Kirk: It’s better for-

Ryan Nanni: Oklahoma, you should go independent at this point.

Spencer Hall: It’s better for Oklahoma if WVU wins, because the committee care more about who you’ve beaten than to whom you’ve lost.

Ryan Nanni: Right.

Spencer Hall: And I think the math is clear that that loss to Texas was fluky as all shit.

Jason Kirk: On the other hand, if you’re Oklahoma and you go to the Big 12 title game and you stomp the shit out of Texas, as you would in a rematch, the committee looks at that like they did with Oregon in 2014 when they did that to Arizona and they say, “Okay. Let’s not worry about that loss at all.”

Jason Kirk: I think Oklahoma is just sitting pretty.

Ryan Nanni: Okay. Fine.

Spencer Hall: I would like to-

Jason Kirk: Plus they don’t have Mike Stoops.

Ryan Nanni: Damn! Man. That feels good, doesn’t it? Every week, you don’t have Mike Stoops anymore.

Jason Kirk: I really think, here’s one thing I’m really looking forward to hearing from Rob Mullins, the new playoff committee chair, is at some point in the next few weeks, him saying in the most diplomatic way possible, “We really like Oklahoma’s improving defense.” And everyone knowing exactly what cutoff point in the season he’s referring to.

Ryan Nanni: I like that we’re using Mike Stoops as the equivalent of a growth or something. It’d be like, “Yeah, you know what, it was a hard week at work and my kids were fighting with me, but, you know, every morning when I wake up without Mike Stoops, I just feel a weight has been lifted. I just feel blessed.” You know.

Jason Kirk: Like the playoff committee, whether behind closed doors and they might slip it out in public, they are going to refer to Mike Stoops the same way they do to a quarterback injury.

Ryan Nanni: Right.

Jason Kirk: Like the way they would last year, toward the end of the year when ‘Bama was all banged up on defense, or when Clemson lost to Syracuse via a quarterback injury. That’s how they’re going to talk about Oklahoma having to play with Mike Stoops.

Ryan Nanni: The presence of Mike Stoops. The albatross that was Mike Stoops.

Jason Kirk: Yes. They had an injury at defensive coordinator.

Ryan Nanni: Well, you know, in their Harrison Bergeron years, you can see where Oklahoma really ...

Spencer Hall: This is losing the band member and excelling afterwards, right? This is like if Oklahoma left Texas. Right? If Oklahoma was like, “Fine. We’ll go independent.” And they win five national titles in a row. And they’re like, “Clearly the mere taint of association with this team was holding us back.”

Ryan Nanni: Penn State at Michigan.

Spencer Hall: Danger. Danger.

Jason Kirk: For, for-

Ryan Nanni: For who?

Spencer Hall: Danger for Michigan.

Ryan Nanni: Really? Okay.

Spencer Hall: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know why?

Jason Kirk: No.

Spencer Hall: Because Penn State this year, they’re kind of a bullshit team.

Jason Kirk: Oh. Okay.

Ryan Nanni: Oh.

Spencer Hall: No, they’re kind of a bullshit team. And that means they can pull serious bullshit like winning this game when they have no right to. Penn State usually is good for that once a year, right? Winning-

Jason Kirk: Have they already spent that one though?

Spencer Hall: Have they? That’s my question. I bring it to the table.

Jason Kirk: They beat App State in overtime, they beat Iowa in a game in which they committed two safetys. I don’t know man.

Spencer Hall: I mean, that’s the thing. Have they already had that? Has Michigan really had to deal with a complete horseshit game like the kind that can be assembled by James Franklin and crew? I don’t know if they’ve had it yet.

Jason Kirk: I think Michigan cruises here.

Jason Kirk: Well, cruises in a Michigan sort of way. It’d be gross.

Spencer Hall: No, I thought so too, and then I felt so certain about it that I was like, “Wait, wait, wait, wait.”

Jason Kirk: Okay. That’s smart.

Spencer Hall: Because I have no logical reason for Michigan not to just win this game 21-7. Right? 21-10.

Jason Kirk: Penn State wins on a greatest kicker icing of James Franklin’s career.

Jason Kirk: Actually, I think Michigan does have a very iceable kicker that could be key.

Spencer Hall: That’s the kind of game we’re talking about, right? Like, “I think we can freak the kicker out.”

Jason Kirk: Yeah. “James Franklin, went for the triple icing, but he faked and only did a double icing.” The guy who missed wide right. It was incredible.

Ryan Nanni: He iced him on a kickoff. It was amazing. And he fucked it up.

Jason Kirk: James Franklin iced a punt.

Ryan Nanni: All right. Spencer, please. The “Dammit Ryan” goes here.

Spencer Hall: Dammit Ryan!

Ryan Nanni: Duke at Miami. 7:00 on Saturday.

Jason Kirk: What year is this?

Ryan Nanni: It’s 2018.

Spencer Hall: By the way. Are there any two private schools that are more different if I say, “Oh, it’s two private schools.” Duke and Miami.

Ryan Nanni: I think they’re just different about how outward they are about their recreational drug use. And dealing.

Ryan Nanni: Otherwise [crosstalk 00:54:29].

Spencer Hall: I have at least 83 other thoughts on this, none of which will keep me employed.

Ryan Nanni: No. No, no. It’s funny.

Spencer Hall: None of them.

Ryan Nanni: Yeah. Jason, how are Miami fans doing these days?

Jason Kirk: Bad.

Spencer Hall: Bad.

Jason Kirk: Super bad.

Spencer Hall: [Foreign 00:54:44].

Jason Kirk: StateoftheU.com yesterday put up a post, just discussing the argument of whether Mark Rick should remain employed. That didn’t come down, didn’t say fire Mark Rick. Just, you know, hey, the topic is out there. Let’s discuss it.

Jason Kirk: And, Jesus Christ, he went to the Orange Bowl last year. It’s insane. You have to talk about this.

Ryan Nanni: So, can I be honest and share with both of you my most boring, but most real adult fear?

Spencer Hall: Yes.

Ryan Nanni: It is that I’m going to do something wrong related to a doctor’s visit or something with using my health insurance and cause and dig myself a extremely dumbass, irreversible financial hole, because I accidentally didn’t file the right paperwork or get the right referral. And all of a sudden, I owe $17,000 for an MRI. And I feel like ... and I’m not kidding. That is an ... every time I book any medical thing, that’s in part of my mind, of like, “What if he did this wrong and you’ve just ...”?

Jason Kirk: No, that’s awesome, because you’re afraid of doing something Spencer or I would do with total, reckless fearlessness.

Spencer Hall: Dude, I might have done it this week. I don’t know.

Jason Kirk: That’s like the type of shit Spencer and I have probably done like nine times combined.

Ryan Nanni: Yeah.

Spencer Hall: Yeah. No.

Ryan Nanni: So that’s my very real fear. And I feel like Miami can relate to that, because that’s every coaching search for them. Every coaching search, they’re like, “Okay. I’ve checked him out on health grades and their views are good. He’s in network and it makes sense. And ‘Oh God’, ‘Oh shit’, now I have a bankruptcy, because I owe $500,000 and I’ve lost my house and my kids call me Dave. They just call me by a first name. That’s not my first name. They just call me Dave now, because they don’t respect me anymore.”

Spencer Hall: The internet is terrible for comparisons, because I don’t worry about those things, but I go and look and see somebody else who has made this mistake, so I can feel okay about it. Right? Like people who haven’t written a book by 30, 35, 40, 50. Right before they die. People who didn’t write a book until a week before they die. People who weren’t millionaires by the time they were 25, 30, 35. You can just, you can always find a case and be like, “Whoo, I feel better about that.”

Spencer Hall: You can do the same in the negative too, right? For instance, right now, what’s Miami’s record?

Ryan Nanni: They’ve got three losses. Right?

Spencer Hall: Mm-hmm (affirmative). I believe ... are they 5-3 or 4-3?

Ryan Nanni: I think they’re 4-3. I don’t remember.

Spencer Hall: Okay. Okay. So, plenty of other teams that finished strong ended up at 4-3. We can go back and we can find them, right?

Spencer Hall: Ryan. There’s tons of people through history who have had insane bankruptcies who came back and rebounded and did well, right?

Ryan Nanni: Yeah.

Spencer Hall: So you shouldn’t worry, right? That’s not what your brain ... that’s not what Miami is going to do, right? Miami is going to go, “4-3, feeling pretty good. I don’t know. We can, this is correctable. We’ve made some mistakes.” And then they probably won’t fix much because they can’t fix much.

Jason Kirk: I don’t know. Turning a bankruptcy into a mogul empire. That sounds like the Miami fan dream.

Ryan Nanni: That’s a good point.

Spencer Hall: That’s true.

Ryan Nanni: Oh, this is all a very long way of saying, “Hey. If you think Miami fans are frustrated now, after they lost to apparently good Virginia and also apparently good Boston College, imagine if they lose to a Duke team that has done, what in it’s last two games? Also lost to Virginia and lost to Pitt.”

Jason Kirk: Hey, Duke. Listen, that’s the Pitt that’s about to be leading the ACC coastal. Also, Duke has a win over Big 10 West champ Northwestern.

Ryan Nanni: That’s true.

Jason Kirk: So, Duke is good too. Miami fans, don’t worry about this L.

Spencer Hall: Finally-

Ryan Nanni: Number ... yeah, yeah. Let’s cap it off with-

Spencer Hall: Big Daddy!

Ryan Nanni: The game we have to talk about. Number one, Alabama. Number three, LSU.

Spencer Hall: Man Ball Christmas!

Ryan Nanni: Jesus Christ. Joe Burrows is really going to be the quarterback for this game.

Jason Kirk: We’re going for 35% completion.

Spencer Hall: The lower his completion percentage, the higher the probability of victory in my opinion.

Ryan Nanni: Have either of you been to the Grand Canyon?

Jason Kirk: Yes.

Ryan Nanni: Have you seen the signs at the Grand Canyon about, warning you about hiking to the bottom just on a whim?

Jason Kirk: Yes.

Spencer Hall: Yeah.

Ryan Nanni: There’s one that I think, the one I remember is all about this woman who, I think a month before or something, had completed the Boston or the New York marathon, in great shape. But basically just decided like, “Oh, I’ll hike to the bottom of the Grand Canyon and back.”, but didn’t have the necessary supplies, didn’t tell anybody she was doing it, didn’t do it with a group. Did everything wrong, and she died. And that’s obviously tragic, but it’s used as a warning of like, “Hey, don’t be cavalier about this.”

Ryan Nanni: I feel like I’m watching Joe Burrow dump a bunch of water out and be like, “That’ll just slow me down. I’ll be down there and yeah, I’ve got tivas and no socks. It’s good.” Like, ah geez.

Jason Kirk: Wanting to sprint the entire way.

Ryan Nanni: We’re going to mourn you Joe, but we’re not going to come get your body. That’s expensive.

Spencer Hall: No, that’s ... you know what, we’re going to let it ... actually, we’ll just wait ‘till it lightens up. Because, you know-

Jason Kirk: Joe. You’re somewhere beautiful now. It’s one of the most beautiful places on earth. And that’s, what a great resting place for you Joe.

Ryan Nanni: It is now ... now, having said all that, if, somehow, LSU wins this game, which would involve scoring points and just keep that in mind. God damn. That’d be amazing.

Spencer Hall: Okay. I will put a few notes of optimism out there. Okay?

Spencer Hall: Not many.

Ryan Nanni: Okay.

Spencer Hall: Not many.

Ryan Nanni: Sure.

Jason Kirk: few implies multiple. So let’s see how he pulls this off.

Spencer Hall: Okay. About to start this. Okay.

Spencer Hall: So first of all, LSU. That’s a top 10 scoring team right there. Okay? They’re going to give you about two touchdowns if you’re an average team. Okay?

Spencer Hall: Alabama? Much more than your average team. How much more? I don’t know, let’s just say they give them 28. Okay. Okay. That’s ... you know what? I would take that. I would take two times over that average. Okay. But, I think they’re going to be better than that. I think their secondary, probably the best that Alabama is going to face all year long. IMO.

Spencer Hall: So that’s one advantage there. If anyone is going to at least get a couple turnovers, maybe fluster too a little bit. Maybe they can do that. Okay?

Spencer Hall: Offensively, you’ll probably get the ball in decent field position. And then after that, you know what, life’s a mystery man. It’s crazy. You know, you don’t really appreciate though, and then they’re going to love it. You think all these certainties and obligations and things to do, but did you ever just look at the swamp lily? Did you ever regard the harvest moon? Did you ever just take a minute and listen to the sound of the humming birds hitting the feeder before a big ‘ole thunderstorm rolls in.

Spencer Hall: You know. The miracles of the natural world. They’re random. What I’m trying to say is, I ran out of reasons for you to be super optimistic about stuff, just started talking about nature. I’m sorry for that, LSU, because you know, offensively, it’s going to be, you’re going to be skiing uphill. You can get those linebackers to move. Alabama has been a little off their marks this year, so some of that good play action, if one of those three passes that Joe is going to complete on average, one out of every three, hits a tight end or a wide receiver crossing, or maybe they get lost on a screen, you know some stuff could happen. But unless this is a real low scoring affair on both sides, I don’t really see you making it out of there.

Spencer Hall: No matter how cool the announcer may sound saying that the sun has gone down the lip of the stadium, is rising in the west and it’s now Saturday night in Baton Rouge in Tiger stadium, whatever.

Jason Kirk: Can I just point out a key to the game?

Spencer Hall: A key to the game.

Jason Kirk: So Alabama is number one in passing downs S&P+, which is second and long or third and medium, basically. Number one on defense in those situations. LSU on ... excuse me, I had that backwards. Number nine on defense in those situations. LSU’s offense in those situations is number 120.

Jason Kirk: If LSU gets into second and long, third and long-

Ryan Nanni: Punt!

Jason Kirk: The game is over.

Ryan Nanni: Punt. Just punt.

Jason Kirk: If it’s second and nine ... punt!

Spencer Hall: Yeah. I mean-

Jason Kirk: Punt! Whereas, on the other side of the ball, this is where the match-up is awesome. On passing downs, LSU’s defense is three and ‘Bama’s offense is one. So if ‘Bama is in second and long, third and medium, that’s where you see one of the best possible match-ups of any two teams in any situation.

Jason Kirk: Basically LSU, you better get yards on first down.

Spencer Hall: Yeah, because-

Ryan Nanni: Let Joe ... nothing but design quarterback runs on first down.

Jason Kirk: Let Joe run wild. Feed the beast on first down.

Spencer Hall: Let that burro back. Dig in there. Let him roam.

Ryan Nanni: The wild burro.

Spencer Hall: You know. Hey. Hey. We’re going to come full circle here, okay. You know what can make it down to the bottom of the Grand Canyon and out with ease?

Spencer Hall: That’s right! Senor Burro!