Okay, we have to address this.
Clemson is currently 10-0, on cruise control toward another ACC Championship and College Football Playoff appearance. If all goes as planned, this will be their fourth straight appearance in the playoff, a run of success eclipsed only by Alabama.
In his eleven full or partial seasons in Death Valley, head coach Dabo Swinney has elevated the program, going 111-30 with bowl appearances every year. He’s one of the highest-paid coaches in the college game, and he’s revered by Clemson fans, having brought the program their first national title since 1981.
Is there any job that could pull Swinney - a native of Birmingham, Alabama, who played his college career at Alabama, and hasn’t coached anywhere other than Clemson and [checks notes] Alabama?
I think it’s clear there’s only one.
That’s right, William Christopher “Dabo” Swinney - a man whose nickname itself is derived from the heavy southern accent of his then-toddler brother - is made for New York City.
“But Jets fans won’t embrace this guy!”, you say. “They want someone they can identify with!”
I say you’re wrong. There’s nothing Jets fans love more than identifying with someone. It took one 10-win season for Eric Mangini to be immortalized as “the Mangenius” in New Jersey, and he promptly followed that up with a 4-12 year. All it would take is a moderately warm start to a season before Jets fans embrace Dabo Swinney and start printing bootleg t-shirts celebrating his legend.
And I’m going to get out ahead of things, by printing those t-shirts now. You see, I’ve done some deep data analysis, and I know exactly how this season would play out, so I can be one step ahead of my fellow Port Authority t-shirt hawkers. Speed is of the essence in this t-shirt business.
Let’s take a look!
The Jets start the season with a win over the Bills and a close loss to the Patriots:
They win two out of three, beating Cleveland and Miami to move to 3-2:
The Jets break a two-game losing streak with a 15-9 win over the Giants, putting them at 4-4 and second place in a weak AFC East:
Bye week, and we’re struggling for content:
Another win over the Bills, and the 5-4 Jets have fans considering flights to Miami for Super Bowl LIV:
A four-game losing streak has the 5-8 Jets on the verge of elimination from the playoffs, and Jets fans find themselves in a rare, fleeting moment of introspection:
The Jets finish 5-11: