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D2SDAY GOES KEYSTONE

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BACK FROM BYE WEEK WITH A PENNGEANCE

THIS DOG WILL KILL YOU

Division II Tuesday was on bye week last week, so we owe you something big this week. Well, how about a 15-team conference? Is that big enough for you? Now, what if I told you that we could find a conference that big without leaving a single state?

Folks, let me tell you about a magical place: the state of Pennsylvania, a place you never realize to be as big as it is until it takes you (roughly speaking) 17 hours to drive across.

The Pennsylvania State Athletic Conference, founded in 1951, gathers such geographically-confusing schools as California University (of Pennsylvania!) and Indiana University (of Pennsylvania!) all in one place. Next year it will add a new member in West Virginia-based Shepherd University, which only makes sense because you should never tell a West Virginian where they’re allowed to be.

NOTABLE ALUMNI OF THE PSAC

Kentucky head basketball coach John Calipari - Clarion University

Art Rooney, founder of the Pittsburgh Steelers - Indiana University (PA)

Professional boxer Buster Douglas - Mercyhurst University

Novelist Dean Koontz - Shippensburg University

I’VE WRITTEN BOOKS THAT’VE SOLD NEARLY HALF A BILLION COPIES

Eliphalet Oram Lyte, composer of “Row, Row, Row Your Boat” - Millersville University

HAVE YOU WRITTEN ANY TIMELESS SONGS ABOUT ROWING BOATS? NO? THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT, SON.

PSAC GAME OF THE WEEK, THE WEEK I COVERED THE PSAC

Undefeated PSAC rivals West Chester and Kutztown squared off on Saturday with a potential berth in the conference championship on the line. Fighting through windy and rainy conditions, it remained a close contest well into the third quarter, before a pair of scores allowed West Chester to pull away to a 38-21 victory, clinching a spot in the PSAC title game for the Golden Rams.

PSAC PLAYER OF THE WEEK, THE WEEK I COVERED THE PSAC

East Stroudsburg quarterback Jake Cirillo lead the Warriors in a wild game against non-conference opponent Ohio Dominican, passing for 418 yards and three scores in an eventual 48-35 loss. The teams combined for 45 points in a wild fourth quarter, as East Stroudsburg staged a furious rally from a 34-7 deficit with 11 minutes left in the game.

OKAY LET’S RANK MASCOTS

15. Mercyhurst University Lakers

“Alright, let’s call this one the Lakers, and slap a shamrock on it.”

“Great. I love it. What’s next?”

“Okay, this one, I’m thinking Wolverines. Let’s make it red and gray.”

“My god, you’ve done it again, Bad And Lazy Pete.”

14. Millersville Marauders

I’m pretty sure I created this team in NCAA 2003. My “make every player 7’-0”, 330 pounds, and 99 speed, and run All Streak every play” offense was very effective. I hope they use it too.

13. Lock Haven University Bald Eagles

This is the bald eagle equivalent of the sad Connecticut Husky. This is a bald eagle looking at the country right now and wondering if it can get out of its image-licensing agreement with us.

12. Shippensburg Red Raiders

There’s many ways you can take a nickname like “Red Raiders”. On one hand, you could have Texas Tech’s mysterious masked rider, a symbol of the swashbuckling, devil-may-care spirit of the dusty deserts of West Texas.

On the other hand, you could have a pretty boat.

11. West Chester University Golden Rams

Chart from middle school health class, or the last thing you see before you’re sacrificed to the goat god? Could go either way. Keeps you on your toes.

10. Indiana University (Pennsylvania) Crimson Hawks

You could read this as a hawk swooping in to grab you with its sharp talons. Or you could view it as a hawk jumping at you, butt-first, hollering “HERE’S MY BUTT”. Anyways, I live with two toddlers. This happens more than you’d think.

9. Slippery Rock University - The Rock

This lion is asking if you want to get in the hot tub on a business trip.

8. Kutztown University Golden Bears

Fun fact: this is not a drawing of a bear. This is a drawing of a guy wearing a bear costume.

THE TIER OF MASCOTS WHO DON’T WANT TO DEAL WITH THIS PARTICULAR SHIT AT THIS PARTICULAR MOMENT

7. East Stroudsburg University Warriors

“Ah, crap, Jerry’s in the bear costume again. I knew I should’ve locked up the Listerine.”

6. Seton Hill Griffins

“Ah, ooh, geez, that spider is bigger than I thought. Oh boy. Eesh. I better make sure I get this guy on the first whack. Lemme grab a shoe or something.”

5. Gannon Golden Knights

“Whoa, there, guy, alright, come on now, you looked a lot shorter sitting on the barstool [nervous laughter] I didn’t mean it like that, I think it’s a nice look on you, actually, just- [throws sword, runs]

A DOG WHO IS NOT HERE FOR YOUR PARTICULAR BULLSHIT

4. Bloomsburg Huskies

WALK IN THE CLUB LIKE WHAT UP I’M A LARGE BIRD

3. Clarion Golden Eagles

This mascot has Big Divisiontwofootball Energy.

THE TOP TIER: MY LARGE ADULT SONS TIER

2. California University (Pennsylvania) Vulcans

All these schools out here trying to be the twentieth tiger or bulldog or eagle on the block, and “Shirtless Dude With a Hammer” was right there for the taking.

Think about it. I’m not always unsettled if I see a tiger. Maybe I’m at the zoo. Maybe I expected to see a tiger. I am always unsettled if I see a shirtless dude with a big hammer. Even if I’m at the zoo.

Especially if I’m at the zoo.

Anyways, what’s possibly more fearsome than that?

1. Edinboro University Fighting Scots

Do not fight this Scot.