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THINGS YOU COULD BUY INSTEAD OF TITLE GAME TICKETS

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A THOUGHTFUL AND USEFUL ROVELLIAN ANALYSIS

Tonight’s College Football Playoff National Championship Game is one of the hottest tickets in recent memory. The pairing of historic rivals Alabama and Georgia in an all-SEC matchup, smack in the emotional capital of SEC territory - along with the pent-up desires of a large and well-heeled local fanbase desperate for their first national title since 1980 - has led to secondary-market ticket sales reaching heights rarely seen before.

As of the moment I started writing this post, the cheapest ticket available on major resale site StubHub - in the uppermost corners of Atlanta’s Mercedes-Benz Stadium - was seeking an eye-popping $1,350.

Now, it’s hard to put a price on history. If you’re a Georgia fan, you may not have had a chance to see your team play for a title in your entire lifetime. If you’re an Alabama fan, you’re looking at the chance to be there when Nick Saban ties Bear Bryant’s record of six national titles. If you’ve got the money, how can you say no?

We’re big into service journalism here at Every Day Should Be Saturday, though, so I’m going to challenge my inner Motley Fool and lay out the facts for you.

Yes, you could pay $1,350 for an upper-tier seat to Georgia-Alabama. OR, you could pay $1,350 for any of these items that are also currently for sale online:

THOMAS KINKADE PAINTING - “BEACON OF HOPE” - CONDITION: USED

See, college football fandom’s all about hope. If you’re a Georgia fan, you’re constantly hoping that the next Jacob you trot out at quarterback is the Jacob that leads you to glory. For Alabama, it’s that Nick Saban’s Ring Cycle of dirge-like, murderbot football never closes, leaving you to face the horrors of a New Mike Shula Era. They’re fleeting, tenuous hopes.

This? It’s a damn beacon of hope, and you can hang it right over the executive desk in your basement office. What do we have there? A lighthouse? Some rocks? Hell yeah. I’m filled with hope.

I don’t know why the painting is listed as used, though. How do you quantify that in a painting? Is there still hope left in this? How many other people have already derived inspiration from this? Maybe we should pass.

THIS METAL DETECTOR

This seems like a lot for a metal detector, to be completely honest, but I’ve never priced them. Let’s just assume it’s a really good one. Well, that’s gonna pay for itself. Think of all the things you could find on the beach with this. Spare change. Lost jewelry. The 2017 Florida Gators. Buttons.

LOUIS VUITTON COMBAT BOOTS (SIZE 10, BUT WEARS LIKE A 9.5)

Actually, nevermind. I’m buying these. You can’t have them.

OVER 100 MILITARY UNIFORMS, SURELY A NORMAL THING TO BUY

I am definitely not concerned if an Alabama fan decides to buy 100 military uniforms instead of a ticket to this game. That’s fine and normal and I supported you all along, please remember that.

1000 AVOCADO STRESS RELIEVERS

Millennials love avocados, and they’re always saying they’re stressed because “there are no jobs” and “the previous generation looted the planet and left them with the bill.” They’re so kooky. Well, time to make some money off of them!

You go to one of those music festivals they’re always SnapChatting about, you sell some these babies for $2.70 a pop, boom, you’ve just turned $1,350 into $2,700. That’ll buy you two tickets to see Georgia in the title game next time. [touches earpiece] Okay, I’m being told this is actually a one-time thing. You should’ve just gone to the game.

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These are all some really great items - bargains you’d be hard-pressed to pass up on, really. But I get it - you want a championship. We all do. Even if you spend the $1,350 on attending the game, though, there’s a decent chance your team comes up short. Someone’s gotta lose tonight. And if your team does win? Well, that’s great, but you don’t personally get a trophy for it.

Unless you head on over to Etsy with me.

A CUSTOM-MADE TITLE BELT

Why go to a title game when you can just declare yourself champion? Worked for UCF, and it’ll work for you.