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WE’RE GOING TO WIN AN EMMY

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BECAUSE THERE’S NOTHING LEFT TO DO BUT TRY

I have a new dream in life.

No, not the Cincinnati Bearcats being halfway decent any time soon. A realistic dream.

I’m going to win an Emmy. You see, I’m on a business trip, I’ve had exactly two beers, and I’ve watched 28 minutes of the new Fox procedural drama 9-1-1. It’s glorious. It’s fast-paced. It’s melodramatic. There’s intense plot development in every scene and nothing makes any damn sense. It’s like Auburn football. You can read a fantastic rundown of some of its early highlights here.

And this is a show about a call center!

Well, if Chicago Hope taught me anything - and it did - the best route to success is to take a successful formula, steal it exactly, but put it in a slightly different setting. With that in mind, I’m pleased to release the pilot script of my new drama:

[SCENE: a child’s birthday party]

FATHER: Yep, it cost a lot of money, but you know what? Your kids are only young once. My little Braedynn loves two things: fireworks and live apex predators. So that’s what we got for his-

[bottle rocket whizzes past head, explodes]

[a roar and screaming is heard]

VOICE IN BACKGROUND: the fireworks startled the tiger so much he broke out of his cage! He looks angry!

FATHER: I’d better go see what’s going o- [is mauled by tiger] N-noooo- nooo... I can’t die like this... [fumbles for cellphone, dials number]

[SCENE: A call center that looks way too nice, kinda like a fancy tech company’s office]

OPERATOR: Sir, stop screaming and tell me what’s going on

FATHER: The tiger... he’s eating my legs! Please, hurry, I don’t have long

OPERATOR: Sir, this is the call-in number for the Paul Finebaum Show, it sounds like you need emergency services, I-

FATHER: [groaning dyingfully] I have to tell the world what I think of the Jeremy Pruitt hire

OPERATOR: [attractively] Stay with me. I’ll put you right through.

[IMMEDIATE CUT TO NEXT SCENE WITH NO TRANSITION]

COLLEGE BRO #1: I’m totally gonna get on the talent competition with this. And then I’ll win back my girlfriend.

COLLEGE BRO #2: The one who works at the call center, the one who’s significantly older than you but also out of your league?

COLLEGE BRO #1: That’s right.

COLLEGE BRO #2: Have you ever juggled chainsaws before?

COLLEGE BRO #1: No, but it can’t be that hard. What could possibly go wrong?

[throws five chainsaws in air, waits to catch them]

[is hit by ice cream truck driven by a toddler who snuck in and wound up behind the wheel, dragged six blocks, and pinned against gas station pump]

COLLEGE BRO #1: [under ice cream truck in growing pool of gasoline] [struggles to dial phone] help... I need help

CALL CENTER OPERATOR WHO IS CLEARLY HIS ESTRANGED GIRLFRIEND, BECAUSE LIFE IS CONVENIENT LIKE THAT: Kyle?

KYLE, I GUESS HIS NAME IS KYLE: Honey... I don’t have long... I just wanted to say...

OPERATOR: [weeping] you’re right, Kyle, I’m sorry I ever doubted your love for me. I’ll remember you alw-

KYLE: Ole Miss cheatin’ [explodes]

[ANOTHER EXTREMELY ABRUPT CUT]

FRANTIC WOMAN: You have to do something!

I JUST WANT TO REFLECT ON THE FACT THAT THIS SET IS SUPPOSED TO BE A MUNICIPAL FACILITY OKAY LET’S MOVE ON

OPERATOR: Please, just calm down and tell me what’s happening.

FRANTIC WOMAN: My husband - he’s a Georgia fan, you see. He’s been so despondent since the national championship game. Our teenaged children - they’re not UGA fans - they keep taunting him. They called him “ol’ Kirby Smart haircut ass havin’ dad” and said “your face looks like it had a 10-point second-half lead on your butt” and other such teen things.

OPERATOR: [listening intently, not hanging up]

FRANTIC WOMAN: He would’ve done anything to win back their affection. He wanted them to think he was cool. So he- he went online and did research. [sobbing] He’s eaten fifteen Tide Pods.

OPERATOR: Do you want me to put you through to poison control?

WOMAN: No, I want you to put him through to Paul, ‘CAUSE I WANT EVERYONE TO HEAR WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FOOL YOURSELF INTO THINKIN’ YOU CAN HANDLE THE TIDE

OPERATOR: That’s a pun. I see what you did.

[AD BREAK]

OPERATOR: Hello, what’s your emergency?

MAN WEARING KENTUCKY HAT, WINDBREAKER, AND HEADSET: Help! You have to help me! I was trying out my new massaging recliner, but the motor caught fire, and my jacket got caught and I can’t get out of the chair?

OPERATOR: Sir, this number is for emergencies only. [hangs up]

OTHER OPERATOR: What was that?

OPERATOR: Oh, nothing. Just some dumbass on a hot seat.