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NEVER CHEST BUMP A LINEMAN

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YOU COULD BREAK EVERY BONE IN YOUR BODY, THE DANGER IS REAL

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READ TO THE END TO FIND THE ALBUM OF THE YEAR

Name a two win team after the first week and a half of the college football season. USF? Okay, yes, USF has two wins. Wins over Stony Brook (who they trailed at the half) and San Jose State (also trailed at one point before complete annihilation), yes, but wins nonetheless. Go laugh at Tom Herman if you want right now, Charlie Strong. Laughter costs exactly nothing, a sum anyone can borrow from the Longhorns’ win column.

The other team who already has two wins in the bank? HAWAII, Y’ALL. Please pan to the grinning mug of Robert Kekaula, the Rainbow Warriors’ longtime announcer and all-around island legend, for the proper reaction to this news.

HEHEHEHEH, ALOHA, EVERYBODY

Hawaii has already traveled farther than even Hawaii standards would dictate as sound, flying not just to the mainland already, but to Amherst, Massachusetts and back to beat UMass. This is notable for two reasons:

a) the Hawaii football team has already flown 10,180 miles through the air, and spent the better part of a day on a plane already

b) someone traveled voluntarily to Amherst, Massachusetts in the year 2017

That level of fatigue has to cloud your judgement. Combine that with the existing workload and fatigue of a working assistant coach, and you’ve got what OSHA would call a serious risk of workplace injury, likely compounded by a lack of judgement due to sleep deprivation.

LET’S GO TO THE TAPE

CLEAN ASCENT
CLEARLY MISUNDERSTOOD THE INCOMING MOMENTUM
PHYSICS ENGINE BROKE, GAME’S GLITCHING AGAIN
MAN DOWN

The player who blocked the kick that sparked this celebration, Pago Pago’s own Viane Moala, is listed at 6’7” and 270 pounds on Hawaii’s website. Head coach Nick Rolovich calls him 6’9”, 330 pounds in the article about poor Sean Duggan’s extensive injuries from the collision. In all likelihood Moala is probably 6’10 and 340 if you catch him after lunch and good stretching session, and could be eligible for an even larger size estimate if you let him float in a pool for a while.

Moala is big, Duggan is not as big, and that’s where a young coach learns about body position, momentum, and proper chest bump technique with an incoming lineman.

TIPS ON CHEST-BUMPING OR OTHERWISE CELEBRATORILY COLLIDING WITH A LINEMAN

  1. Never go higher than a lineman’s shoulder, because you will turn into a pedestrian flying off a car hood.
  2. Bump him obliquely, and never at a right angle, doing your best to glide off his superior bulk as he passes.
  3. Jump up, and not out
  4. Never, ever take more than a step or two as a start
  5. Make eye contact. Does he look excited? MAKE A BUSINESS DECISION.
  6. Does he seem calm? CONSIDER MAKING A BUSINESS DECISION ANYWAY. A firm handshake is now ironic, and would be funny in this situation, and definitely will not result in a dislocated elbow and fractured wrist.

Duggan has had surgery already and will travel with the team for their game against UCLA this weekend. UCLA just had the greatest comeback we’ve seen in a regular season game, so it makes sense that Hawaii will at least scare the hell out of them, if not upset them outright. Hawaii is vastly improved, and this gut feeling has nothing to do with that improvement, and everything to do with UCLA being a completely inconsistent and undependable football quantity for as long as we can remember.

NOTED: UMass, btw, is the only team with two losses on the season already. If you want to count Texas A&M in that, too, and give the Aggies the spiritual double-double for their epic collapse against UCLA, well... no one on earth could stop you. They’d have facts, and you’d have the phrase “you blew a 44-10 lead in week one,” and we think we know who wins this discussion.)

ALSO NOTED: Robert Kekaula has...an album? A music album?

THERE IS A TRACK CALLED FISH AUCTION MAN AND IT HAS TO BE A BANGER