BOBBY PETRINO: Thank you for meeting me here. As I’m sure you understand, I have to be discreet about my business meetings these days. Fairly or not, I’ve developed quite a reputation for untrustworthiness.
INTERVIEWER: I’m pretty sure it’s fair.
PETRINO: Who can say
INTERVIEWER: Pretty much everyone in your professional life.
PETRINO: Regardless, I appreciate you understanding the need for discretion. Boy, this place is great - we’ll never be spotted here! How did you find this place?
INTERVIEWER: We conduct a great deal of secret business, and this is one of our top clandestine meeting spots. You’ll never be noticed here.
ANNOUNCER IN BACKGROUND: Timeout, 49ers
PETRINO: So, as you know, I’ve been blessed with some fortunate news. The buyout that I had to agree to in order to secure my return to Louisville carried a clause that would halve it if Tom Jurich was no longer the Athletic Director there.
INTERVIEWER: Yes, our organization was very pleased to hear this. We’re interested in what you’re able to bring to us, but we’ve had some revenue streams tighten recently, so efficiencies like these will be greatly helpful.
PETRINO: I love efficiencies. Why use four wheels when two will do, am I right?
INTERVIEWER: We are going to politely insist on four wheels at all times.
PETRINO: So, I have to ask, what brought me to your attention?
INTERVIEWER: We’ve long admired your work, Mr. Petrino. Brash, challenging to external authority. Aggressive and iconoclastic, but also self-reliant.
PETRINO: I believe strongly in self-reliance, I think we’ve taught Lamar Jackson a great deal about it through our offensive line play.
INTERVIEWER: Yes, we have been very impressed with how you’ve used Mr. Jackson. Proof that a single powerful weapon can reshape the entire playing field.
PETRINO: What was the name of your organization again?
INTERVIEWER: We’ll get to that later. Now, let’s review some of your CV.
PETRINO: Well, my coaching career really got to a start when I was an assistant at Idaho, Utah State and Louisville under John L. Smith.
INTERVIEWER: You have experience working for unusual characters, this will be beneficial.
PETRINO: After a stint under Tommy Tuberville in Auburn, I took over as head coach at Louisville. As soon as I had success there, I tried to secretly steal Tuberville’s job.
INTERVIEWER: Ruthlessness and disregard for fraternal or familial ties. [scribbles on pad]
PETRINO: I can explain-
INTERVIEWER: No need, we prefer that.
PETRINO: Then, less than a year after signing a 10-year contract extension at Louisville, I left to take the head coaching position with the NFL’s Atlanta Falcons.
INTERVIEWER: So you understand that signed agreements are not meant to be honored, but rather to be used as a temporary means to further position yourself for future gain.
PETRINO: That’s actually pretty common, that’s one of the less egregious things about me.
INTERVIEWER: Now, your tenure with the Falcons was very short.
PETRINO: It was, you see - I’m known as an offensive mind, and it was going to be a dream pairing between my schemes and the incredible athletic abilities of a then-in-his-prime Michael Vick. Unfortunately, shortly after I accepted the job, Michael was convicted in a dog-fighting scheme.
INTERVIEWER: [shaking head sympathetically] American law enforcement authorities meddling in what could have been a world-changing display of firepower. Think where the glorious people of Atlanta could have been if not for this treacherous mistreatment. You have faced many of the same struggles that our organization has over the years.
PETRINO: So, where’s your football team located, again?
INTERVIEWER: Mr. Petrino, the answers to your questions will be provided in time, but I hope that you can appreciate that with us, you will be competing for something far greater than an ACC title.
PETRINO: And you said y’all don’t play Clemson at all, right
INTERVIEWER: That’s correct.
PETRINO: Well hell, sign me up, I don’t care where you are.
KIM JONG-UN: We are proud to announce the signing of American Weapons Commander Robert Petrino for the betterment of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, and the ultimate destruction of the American scoundrel nation
BYSTANDER, whispering near Petrino: The American pornographer Hugh Hefner has died, his empire of obscenity is without a leader now