[turns on broadcast of NFL’s primetime Wednesday Evening Football]
This disgusts me. You know what the problem is? People are too easily offended these days. That’s how we get things like this happening. Well, not me. I’m not going to stand for it. I’m boycotting the NFL, which is the primary focus of my leisure time, discretionary spending, and self-image.
[turns off TV, right in the middle of the show’s beloved theme song, “It Is Now The Hour of Football Time”, by Celine Dion]
[looks around suddenly-darkened room]
This doesn’t feel like enough. I have to make a statement. I have to let people know how I feel.
[films self burning season tickets] I’M DONE.
[films self shooting jersey] I PAID A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS.
[films self cooking a bad meal and serving it cold to an unresponsive FatHead] THIS IS POORLY SEASONED.
That’ll show ‘em. That’ll show ‘em all. I’m cancelling my Sunday Ticket, despite the people at DirecTV being very clear about the fact that I’ve paid for it in full this year already. That’ll just show ‘em how much I mean business.
[goes back into TV room, sits down, ponders the silence for a moment]
This is terrible. What am I supposed to do with my time now? Maybe I’ll read something.
[picks up a book] Tom Brady’s Guide To Eating Only Rare Birds and The Water From Inside Those Wave Tanks Your Dad Had On His Office Bookshelf In The 1980s
Bah! Everything reminds me of the NFL. My sweet, forbidden love. My giant jingoistic baby. My candyland of brands. There’s got to be something else I can watch.
[turns on HGTV] Hi, I’m Dorx, and this is my wife, Beccy, and this is What Are The Odds Of The Things That Collapsed The Economy Last Time Doing It Again This Time: Tampa
No, this won’t do. Reminds me too much of historic Raymond James Stadium.
[turns on Food Network] Hi, I’m Guy Fieri, and we’re rollin’ out, deep under the University of Chicago, where my team of crack scientists from around the world are hard at work weaponizing cured meats. This is The ManHAMtam Project!
No, this won’t work either. It’s needless and baffling and wasteful and [breaks into convulsing sobs] I MISS YOU, NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE [slams fist on table, hitting remote, which changes channel to a college football game]
Wait a minute now, what’s this?
[a short pass is completed for 3 yards]
My god, it’s football! Ha! This is perfect. I can stick it to those arrogant millionaire athletes and greedy owners AND still get my football fix!
[a run for no gain]
Oh, that’s the good stuff.
[a penalty flag is thrown]
I’ve missed this so much.
[a three-minute ad break]
I don’t know what I was so worried about! My god, I almost read a book. But no, no, I can maintain the solidarity of my NFL boycott indefinitely now.
[a long pass play is successful in a four-WR set]
Wait what the hell is going on here
[a team goes for it on 4th and 1 at their opponent’s 30]
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
[an innovative offensive scheme is run to positive effect]
IS THIS EVEN LEGAL, SOMEONE CALL THE POLICE
[anyone involved shows any sign of enjoyment of the game]
STOP THIS AT ONCE, THIS IS DISRESPECTFUL
No, no, this can’t be happening. Maybe it’s just this one game. Crazy things happen sometimes, but it’s not going to ruin my plan. Look at this, there’s 20 games on right now! Endless options!
ANNOUNCER: -and that brings the score to Ohio State 56, Rutgers-
ANNOUNCER: We now go to the 3rd overtime, with-
THREE OVERTIMES? NO, NO, THIS SHOULD BE SETTLED THE OLD-FASHIONED WAY: PERHAPS WITH A LUCKY FIELD GOAL BUT PREFERABLY NOT AT ALL
ANNOUNCER: Texas Tech
[wakes up hours later, in a pool of... water? Let’s just hope it’s water. This guy’s been through a lot today]
Oh, god. I had the most terrible dream. I had to give up on my beloved NFL after players spoke out on the issues that affect them and other Americans. But it was just a nightmare. I’m safe and sound, back in-
[sees burned tickets, bullet-hole-riddled jersey]
[TV is still on, and has cycled to a different game]
ANNOUNCER: We go to the fourth quarter, the score Alabama 10, Louisiana State 9.
[sits upright] I’m listening.
ANNOUNCER: Coach Saban doesn’t look happy.
Oh, hey, I remember this guy. Assistant coach with the Browns back in the ‘90s. I think he coached the Dolphins for a little while too? Well, with that kind of pedigree, I’ve gotta give him a chance.
[more machine-like, bloodless, Wagnerian football ensues]
[sniffs] It’s beautiful. I’m home, I’m finally home.
ANNOUNCER: And that wraps it up, with Alabama winning 12-11. Coach Saban, talk to us about this game.
SABAN: Well, I’m unhappy. But I think the players had some extra juice today, after we unveiled this new locker-room mural, a tribute to Alabama’s greatest coach, the legendary Bear Bryant [camera pans to mural]