TODAY IN BUTTS: DANNY ETLING HAS PREFERENCES

The most intimate relationship in sports might be the one required by tandem luge, a sport done not so much because it needs to be done, but more for the folly of simply seeing it done at all. Short of being the miserable choke-ee in a triangle choke, you don’t get much more intimate than spooning on a tiny sled in skintight body suits at 70 mph.

That said: The center/quarterback relationship under center is right up there. The shotgun’s popularity has reduced the intimacy of that relationship somewhat, and probably for the best. Working under center makes all kinds of horrible things a factor: whether the center’s ass is particularly sweaty, whether the center’s butt is high enough or low enough, and even whether the center farts on your hand frequently, causing you to have nightmares about it for years on end.

This is a real quote from a real NFL QB.

Rabach has even farted on my hand which is a feelin that never really wears off

NO. NO IT WOULD NOT, JASON CAMPBELL. IT WOULD ABSOLUTELY NEVER WEAR OFF.

There’s even the issue of ass consistency and size. For the especially picky quarterback, it can be an issue. Who in the SEC would happily be discussing centers, and the exact consistency, cush, and size of their ass? That’d be LSU’s quarterback, Danny Etling, who in discussing butts in great detail has clearly gone full SEC and can never return to his modest Big Ten roots ever again.

“I can just tell you what you’re looking for as far as that in a center,” Etling responded without hesitation. “What you want is a nice, plump bottom. A surface area to put your hands on. You want them to feel you.

“As much as I love Will, and as great a football player as he is, he doesn’t have the biggest bottom. But him and I have really worked toward it. We’ve found a nice surface area to put my hands on.

You know why Etling is a great teammate? Even if Will Clapp takes offense to being told he, an offensive lineman, doesn’t have the greatest, roundest butt in the world, Etling goes well out of his way to prep him by telling him that he loves him, and that he’s a great football player. You hear that, Will Clapp? Your quarterback thinks you are beautiful just the way you are.

Also, the other offensive lineman here is literally named for the job: Lloyd Cushenberry. The man has luxury in his name, and you can’t be more suited for the job than that.