KIRBY SMART, HUSTLING BACKWARDS

Kirby Smart lets other people read the internet for him, and my gosh this seems like a smart thing for a football coach to do. There is not a day where someone isn’t questioning your ability to do your job, your hairstyle, or whether you’re just another in a long line of useful functionaries promoted way over your head by association with a much more successful, competent football coach you once worked for at another school.

That’s clearly not the case here, nope, not one bit, but we’re just saying it’s something people say. On the internet.

So maybe the smart part is having someone else read the internet. The dumb part is probably having that someone relay what’s on the internet to you, since the whole point of having someone else read it is so you don’t have to hear it. After all, the only reason to go on the internet is this Twitter thread, where a guy breaks down the multiple ways Michael Jackson was a complete dick in the “Remember the Time” video.

Otherwise, you can just be happy and blindered and watch film and be a mole who surfaces on Saturdays in the fall to yell at amateur referees and unpaid players. Why waste your time yelling at reporters you don’t want to talk to anyway? Kirby Smart is yelling at reporters he doesn’t want to talk to anyway.

“Y’all are incredible,” Smart said. “I’m getting reports during practice and everybody is telling me that Kendall Baker is the starting right guard. It amazes me where some of this come from.”

This is all hustling backwards, Kirby. The real pro move? Have someone read the internet for you, tell you all about how a guy actually deployed maps to show what a dick Michael Jackson was in the “Remember the Time” video, and then cancel all media availability with little or no notice whatsoever. It’s like Jimbo Fisher has to show you how to do everything, including how to be a dick to the media with the least possible effort on your part. Nothing’s easier than not showing up. Take a note from your terrible haircut, man: Work smarter, not harder.

P.S. Why is Jimbo Fisher continually the smartest of Nick Saban’s large adult sons, if not the most polite? Alternately, how is the man named “Jimbo” consistently the valedictorian of the class?

P.P.S. Blaming the media is really hot right now but unlike everything else sports has definitive records and scores. The Athens Banner-Herald didn’t lose to Vandy at home. You did.