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NICK SABAN LIVES THE DREAM

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BUY HIS CARS OR RUN GASSERS, SON

CFP National Championship
LIVE THE DREAM SORRY NOT SORRY
Photo by Jamie Squire/Getty Images

Okay so this is how you know Nick Saban—while probably still being at least forty to fifty depressing, horrible years away from retiring, and thus taking his suffocating, hateful, joyless, and incredibly efficient version of college football with him—is at least considering retirement.

The plan is to sell expensive German automobiles to rubes in Tennessee. This depends, in large part, on an ample supply of cartoonish rubes in Tennessee, and their willingness to blow money on a new Mercedes just to impress strangers. The state’s flagship football program once hired Lane Kiffin, and its residents once hanged an elephant for murder. Translated: NICK SABAN IS GONNA MAKE A LOT OF MONEY, Y’ALL.

It’s the rarest of storylines: An underpaid, hard-working college football coach finally seeing financial dividends from all his hard work.

It’s also how you know that someone at the local ad agency wanted to go full Don Draper here. No, we can’t just have Nick Saban talking about buying an expensive German car. It’s got to be bold. It’s got to be visionary. This can’t just be about a finely engineered Teutonic zoom-cart with 21st century design, and an air-conditioning system torn out of a 1955 Opel. No, this has to be about selling a dream, man.

LOOK AT THE DRAFTING SKILLS ON OL’ NICK

We can’t make fun of the man’s tribute to his dad, but:

  1. Nick Saban smiling is unnerving, we’re used to him scowling and calling someone terrible names because they didn’t use the boundary as a second defender effectively. Please stop smiling, Nick. It’s bad for all of us including you because we know you hate it, too.
  2. Just sell with a motto like “DO YOUR JOB, BUY MY CARS, YOU FUCKING PISSJACK”, it’s much more on brand for him
  3. Holy shit can Nick Saban really sketch (he probably can’t but damn if so his success as a defensive coordinator has to be based mostly on his beautiful, neorealistic X’s and O’s)
  4. Really Nick Saban telling us to “live the dream” sounds like a dare we will be severely punished for later
  5. The dealership is on “Envious Lane”
  6. No really, it’s on Envious Lane