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THE PAST IS TRASH, VOL. 11893

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DEMAND THAT NOSTALGIA SHOW YOU THE RECEIPTS

KEEP RUNNING TOWARD THE HORIZON SIR

Since we’re in week zero of the 2017 college football season, let’s prep you on one important thing: When processing what you’re seeing in front of you, do not believe the lie of nostalgia.

Don’t. You might want to, or someone else might try to sell you on it, and you should take this person and or impulse and throw them in the nearest tree shredder. Nostalgia ruins two moments: The present, by devaluing it in comparison, and the past, by straight-up lying about it.

That’s completely true in sports, particularly in college football where every spectacular player of the moment can inevitably be compared unfavorably to some gauzily remembered cleat-demon of the past. Like a Georgia running back? Good luck saying three unique words about him before “HERSCHEL!” comes out of someone’s mouth. Enjoy a Penn State linebacker? Appreciate that before a thousand different comparisons so some other thick-necked dude in Nittany blue with film on VHS at the earliest comes crashing into the conversation. Don’t even pretend to enjoy a quarterback, anywhere, ever. Someone was better than they are in comparison, and the world must know.

Someone may even mention that someone isn’t better than Barry Sanders. This is actually true, we’re sorry, we have no problem with this bit of nostalgia poisoning because facts are true whether we want them to be or not, and Barry Sanders is a fact.

But the past needs to show some film before it makes this comparison. When it does, it usually loses, and that’s all something we should remember before the season starts. As usual, the NBA and its fans are well ahead of everyone in this, and Bob Cousy should never, ever, ever search his own name on Twitter, because Bob Cousy, NBA Hall of Famer, is TRASH.

Case in point: Johnny Lattner, 1953 Heisman winner.

WOD OF THE DAY, LATERAL RUN FOR FIVE MINUTES

We think the optimal amount of time it should take to run a sweep at the goal line should be between five seconds and three hours. At the very least it should be enough time to soft-boil an egg, or at least quick-cycle one medium load of laundry. Lattner doesn’t even look fast with a smidge of old-timey/Benny Hill film reel speed added.

A linebacker like Reuben Foster would have had enough time to tackle Lattner at the hash, let him up, do a shuttle run to the goal line, and then tackle Lattner again. The past was slower, worse, and bad. Remember this, this season, for maximum possible viewing pleasure. The past would have been tackled for a loss by Ed Oliver, and then stuffed in a trash can by Ed Oliver, and then thrown into a larger trash can by Ed Oliver and kicked down the biggest, nearest hill available.

P.S. We tried to find footage of other old football players sucking but y’all need to know: DAVEY O’BRIEN WAS THE TRUTH.

P.P.S. Also found this block from a Tom Harmon highlight reel. It’s really more of an assault followed by an abduction, but the police aren’t anywhere in frame.

GOOD LORD