THERE’S PLENTY OF SEC TEAMS IN THE TOP TEN

SOME people say there ain’t but one SEC team in the top ten this year. This is sadly inaccurate, but that’s what you get from BIAS MEDIA like ESPN, who is touting this lie to push clicks. They do that, and we never would, because we are trustable because [FILE NOT FOUND]

But there are at least nine SEC teams in the top ten, if you know how to look. To wit:

1. Alabama. Peak SEC, no explanation needed. If you need one: You can park a truck over a live person on Gameday anywhere in Tuscaloosa and if they’re not wearing a Bama shirt it’s perfectly legal.
2. Ohio State. A good third of the state is already in West Virginia, the lost SEC stepbrother who took to the mountains years ago because they weren’t gonna let anyone tell him what to do with his still. An inbred narcissism about your program’s place in history and the national consciousness? (WHAT DO YOU MEAN CRAIG KRENZEL ISN’T A LEGEND????) Voted for Trump? Urban Meyer? You’re in, and stop acting like you’re not before we ask you which state actually gunned down Vietnam War protesters instead of just talking about it.
3. Florida State. Please, Florida State is an SEC school that lost its shot at membership for smuggling bootleg cigarettes across state lines without giving Bear Bryant a cut. If fishing shirts and skoal and wraparound sunglasses were currency Florida State would be our nation’s largest bank. Head coach is named Jimbo and he would come to practice with a freshly harvested ten point buck in the back of his truck if he could. Probably wants to join already so it can claim a decisive victory over Lamar Jackson. IN.
4. USC. Horse is named Traveller, it’s good for a massive recruiting scandal once a decade, and it’s shockingly conservative, politically speaking. In.
5. Clemson. Everyone already calls it Auburn with a lake, coach is named Dabo and is from Alabama, super churchy to the core, hired a Bowden son once (just like Auburn.) SEC SCHOOL.
6. Penn State. It’s in the sticks, has a segment of the fanbase who problematically worships a statue, and has the same cred as Ohio State for having fans whose sole version of college football history registers Ki-Jana Carter as one of the top five running backs in history. They’re SEC, and that’s before you remember they hired James Franklin, someone who was ruthless enough to be competitive at Vanderbilt.
7. Washington. With the boats they’re like Tennessee, if Tennessee has disavowed a lot of their bumpkin ways, but still sneaked out on weekend mornings to bring down an elk for the back freezer. Anyone who doesn’t believe the PNW and the South don’t have an innate compatibility needs to look at the number of dudes who believe a baseball cap is simultaneously acceptable winter gear, formal wear, and head protection for construction sites. (Also Tennessee compatible until recently for being able to moon over the 1990s as their last great memories.)
8. Oklahoma. One symbol of the university is a rampaging wagon full of gun-toting yahoos, next, another one is a horse, and another is Barry Switzer. In before you even get to Exhibit D.
9. Michigan. Okay they’re not SEC, not at all.
10. Wisconsin. Honestly the hunting, stunning prevalence of firearms, and general preference to live outdoors might not qualify them because they do all of them to a degree that would embarrass SEC members. Either they’re admitted as kings or rejected as competition. We don’t even know how to evaluate their drinking: It’s beyond LSU levels, and degrees of that measure require new math we haven’t invented yet. Bielema? That’s just extra credit at this point.

See, nine out of ten. Anything else is #fakenews.