clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:



Towns In Midwest Prepare For Influx Of Tourists For Upcoming Eclipse
Photo by Scott Olson/Getty Images
  1. The first rule is this ain’t football so I aint’ talking about it. But if I have to then—
  2. Look right at it. You can’t tackle what’s coming at you looking sideways. EYES FORWARD.
  3. Don’t fall for distractions. If the moon fakes a jet sweep motion across the face of the sun? Don’t follow it. That’s just what the sun wants you to do. Window dressin’ is just dressin’ and it’s only messin’ that gets you guessin’.
  4. KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE TARGET. Eyes lie, hips don’t.
  5. HEAD UP AND FORWARD. The only way to lead is with the head. The head contains meat and all meat needs tenderizing. The brain is in the hips. Humans are like dinosaurs. Y’all didn’t know that did you? Reporters always think they’re so smart but I tell you about anatomy and now who’s smart?
  6. SHOULDERS SQUARE, HIPS ARE THERE, RIP AND TEAR. Keep your shoulders square and pivot your hips to track your target. I don’t care whether they’re using an Ace Tight 2 wide or Bingo Wingding 8 or a Spread Trips, the shoulders stay square, and the hips follow. The man with the plan stays flat as a pan.
  7. Keep the feet moving! Tap them up and down in place. Other people might think this looks weird. Other people ain’t filling the A-gap against the sun are they? Lions don’t hunt on their heels and neither will you. Do they have heels? I don’t know. Why don’t you go ask a lion? I’m not paid to know lion. That’s not my job.
  8. PAIN ISN’T REAL. If you start to experience discomfort trying to tackle the eclipse, remember that your team is counting on you. Individually, remember that you have to DOMINATE the man in front of you. The sun’s a man, just like everyone else. Has five kids who won’t listen to him but keep running around him wanting stuff.
  9. Eight? I’m not an astrologer. Don’t come to me about those things. Those things are not in my job description. I am not responsible for those things. Show me where it says eight.
  10. FOLLOW THROUGH TO THE FINISH. I need two minutes of solid effort. Two minutes. Get your eyes up, square to the attacker, and do your job. It’s that simple. DO YOUR JOB.
  11. Don’t ask me about the sun, it’s not anything I have to be concerned about. Are you serious? We’re having practice today. That’s what I know. I will not comment about anything I don’t know or can’t see in front of me. You ask about the weather? I’ll see it when I see it. Lunch is theoretical. I don’t assume lunch or weather. You assuming lunch or weather? Not me, buddy. I might have to eat weather for lunch. You ever thought about that? Bet you haven’t. Heh. Not surprised you haven’t thought about weather for lunch.
  12. DO YOUR JOB. I don’t know what your job is. BUT DO IT. WHATEVER IT IS.
  13. Last thing I don’t think you look at the sun unless coach put a playbook in it. If he did, you better look or you’re gonna be riding pine. What? Our benches are aluminum? Must be the aluminum pine kind of bench then. I’m done here, aluminum pine is real and I’m done.