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MINCING WORDS

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MID-JULY IS A GREAT TIME TO COME UP WITH COLLEGE FOOTBALL CONTENT, DAGNABBIT

We’ve entered Media Days season, which means... well, it doesn’t mean much of anything. It’s days of coaches posted up in hotel ballrooms, trying desperately not to say anything of substance. Carefully controlling their language. Watching for anything that can be used against them.

I’ve got some recent experience with this myself - you see, I’ve got an increasingly-verbal two-year-old and nine-month old at home, and I’ve come to realize that my language can be rather... well, colorful. Especially when engaged in some of the following activities:

  • Driving
  • Mowing the lawn
  • Carrying 50 pounds of children and 100 pounds of gear up the stairs from the garage
  • Encouraging a sometimes-less-than-cooperative dog to just do her business and stop barking at birds
  • Hanging things on the wall, like the ridiculous decorative piece my wife bought on ModCloth that’s designed to block its own screwholes so you can’t even get a simple screwdriver in the moth-[looks at child] Mister Falcon.

TWO-YEAR-OLD: Mistah Facon.

ME: That’s right, go tell your mother.

HOLLY: You really don’t have anything for a post today, do you.

ME: Stay out of this, Holly.

HOLLY: The only thing I’m staying out of is the room with the balloon. Didn’t this kid just have a birthday last year?

ME: C’mon, I don’t even have an organic way to work you into this post. It’s gonna look like I’m just trying to flesh it out to a decent wordcount and cover my shortcomings with dog pictures.

HOLLY: Shortcomings? But enough about you in high sch-

ME: So here’s three more pictures of Holly

HOLLY: Shocked parent from a 1980s rock band music video lookin-ass

ME: This feels forced

HOLLY: Guy who says he “doesn’t normally like to bring politics on here” before writing 800 words on Facebook lookin’ face

ME: Man I’d love to get to 800 words right now, but

HOLLY: George McFly lookin’ ass

ME: Wait, which reality. The one where he’s sad and beleaguered, or the one where’s he’s a successful author, but still kinda dopey?

HOLLY: The one where he’s dead

ME: Hurtful

HOLLY: Hey, let me outside for a second

ME: Okay

HOLLY: [wraps her 30’ leash around the picnic table and tree twice] [is now 25’ from door] Okay, now let me in

ME: Holly, you dingus

HOLLY: Hey, look, you brought it back to the start

ME: That’s right, the real point of this is, if you’ve read this far: I want to know your favorite ‘minced oaths’ (that’s what a Google Search tells me they’re called) are. The other day I stubbed my toe and said “Criminitely!”. My wife had no idea what that was. I grew up hearing my mother say it. I’m sure you’ve got some good ones, too.

HOLLY: This was really thin.

ME: What would you know about thin?

HOLLY: LAY OFF I’M BEAUTIFUL