THE WORST ENTRANCE SONGS FOR TEAMS

Ohio State: “Life is a highway” by Rascal Flatts. Yes, the version from Cars. We’re not trying to be nice here, which is why we both picked this song, and also why we’re reminding the world that Rascal Flatts came from the dungeon-world of Ohio and not anywhere in SEC country.

South Carolina: “Please please please let me get what I want” by Hootie and the Blowfish. Oh yes, reader: It’s real.

To be honest, it’s not a terrible cover, since Hootie and the Blowfish are basically a cover band that escaped the genre on accident. It’s almost well-done, and certainly basically competent. Also, it really kind of represents one of the better summaries of South Carolina fandom we’ve ever read? That when they get exactly what they want, it will indeed be the first time?

It’s still a terrible song for a walk-out—but it’s not a bad song to just layer over the South Carolina football experience, is what we’re saying.

USC: “Every Morning” by Sugar Ray. It was either that, or any other song with USC alum Mark McGrath on it.

Michigan: “Walk the dinosaur” by Michigan alums Was Not Was. Oh it’d be fun the first time, maybe. Eight weeks into the season, though? Hell on earth with every “acka lacka boom boom” farting from the stadium PA system.

Florida State: “Naked as we came” by Iron and Wine. Curveball from the expected Creed pick? You betcha. A morbid, slow, delicate acoustic number about death and loss and an eternal separation from those you love? Well let’s check the lyrics and—

She says, "Wake up, it's no use pretending"

I'll keep stealing, breathing her

Birds are leaving over autumn's ending

One of us will die inside these arms

Eyes wide open, naked as we came

One will spread our ashes around the yard

“Um [choking back tears]...NOW LET’S PLAY SOME FOOTBALL, BOYS.”

Penn State: “Riker playing the trombone” by Jonathan Frakes

Y’all need some more musicians, Penn State. Or maybe you don’t? It’s definitely one of the two.

Auburn: “Love will keep us together” by Captain and Tennille. Oh y’all forgot about Auburn grad Tennille did you? Everyone knows the best way to get the crowd hype happens with two magic words: Tack piano.

p.s. we definitely don’t actually love this song and thing it’s a banger, nope, not at all

Florida: goddammit

University of Georgia: “Boobs in California” as sung by UGA graduate Tituss Burgess.

This is UGA’s choice because a.) we’re thinking Tituss Burgess might really be the most famous person from the school to not play a sport, and b.) because we want your pastor to be deeply uncomfortable when the team takes the field, Georgia fans.

Alabama: “To dream the impossible dream” by Jim Nabors

Again, the pickings are slim with musical alumni, and this ends up being accidentally sort of awesome, especially when you think about the impossible dream for Alabama under Nick Saban being “win a national title without losing a bullshit game to some bullshit spread team with a bullshit scrambling-ass quarterback and all that bullshit they do.”

Oklahoma State: Anything by Chris Gaines. Oklahoma State, if you can’t love Garth at his Biggie Stardust stage, you don’t deserve him at his No Fences.