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YOUR COMMITMENT ANNOUNCEMENT IS TRASH

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IT IS, IT’S NOW TRASH, YOU NEED FIRE SYMBOLS OR IT’S JUST TRASH

JUST OVER HERE WAITING FOR THE FIRE GODS TO TELL ME WHERE TO COMMIT

It’s cool what you did with the hats, but do you ever just sit burning commitment letters in your backyard? In the heat of late spring, no less, in a very nicely appointed backyard, shortly after coming back from your standard casual conditioning run around the neighborhood? Poor you, who doesn’t have enough offer letters to fuel a raging bonfire?

TOO FEW OFFERS TO DO THIS? CAN’T RELATE

Hmm who’s the last letter they show getting burnt—

OH SNAP

THE LITERAL “YA BURNT”, KIRBY. Turns out, though, when you ask the fire gods where you should go, you get an American Gods scene. Something most people don’t know is that Neil Gaiman both went to Texas, but also was a helluva recruiter.

WHAT’S HOOK ‘EM IN SUMERIAN

These are done by a couple of recruiting guys who focus on Texas and Oklahoma. This answers the question of “where does a recruit get these kind of production values in an announcement,” and also “why you’d do it,” since other recruits will see this, and presumably want to give these guys excellent access and quotes and scoops in exchange for turning their commitment announcement into a short film with passable early 2000s level special effects. (Not like cinematic-grade special effects, but definitely basic cable grade, and certainly above Dr. Who level.)

It also means this will escalate, which is fine with us as long as this ends with someone dressing up as the No Limit Gorilla to honor those who made incredible video content before them. On the dunk, the ball explodes into the logo of the winning school; on landing, the recruit takes off the gorilla head, and places the LSU helmet on their head.*

*Note: It’ll be an LSU recruit. It has to be, by law, an LSU recruit who does this, even if everyone in the current recruiting class was born four years after “Make ‘Em Say Uhh” was released. DEATH IS COMING FOR YOUR OLD ASS AND IT WANTS YOUR MIXTAPES, TOO.