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SAQUON BARKLEY LIFTS 405 POUNDS AS VIEWED BY GABE, A RECENTLY CERTIFIED FITNESS COACH

HIS INTERNAL ROTATION IS TOO EXTERNAL, AND HE BROKE PARALLEL

By Spencer Hall
Australia Training & Press Conference
HIS BARBELL IS TOO PARALLEL HERE
Photo by Cameron Spencer/Getty Images

I’m Gabe, and I’ve been in the fitness business for over six months. I have some thoughts on this lift.

First of all, this isn’t a power clean because he breaks parallel. It’s a squat clean, and it’s important that I point this out. I didn’t take two hours of intense instruction in strength sports in a strip mall from a guy who sells Advocare full-time to sit here and tell you it’s a power clean. I just can’t do that. It’s not in my fully-expressed genes to do that.

He’s also wearing the wrong shoes. They should be Chuck Taylors or Reeboks. He could also be lifting barefoot, because the human foot is the most perfectly engineered footwear ever made, even if my barefoot running phase left me with second-degree burns on my feet from hot asphalt. That was my fault for running longer than 400 yards at a time. We’re all lifelong learners.

There’s more. I don’t want to get too technical, but there’s no internal rotation here. It’s not clear that his glutes are engaged. His back is too flat, and his hips aren’t concatenating with his retroposterior chain. THE RETROPOSTERIOR CHAIN CONCATENTION WITH THE HIPS IS VITAL HERE! His elbows are over-truculent. Even if you don’t know what that is, trust me: It’s bad.

Also, what’s a single power clean going to prove? It’s way more impressive if he does a set of 30, and then transitions seamlessly into 100 burpees. That’s real fitness, especially if he does it for five sets. Do that and maybe we’re starting to talk about real functionality here.

To review: These are the rules we use at Molon Gabe Fitness. They’re probably the ones you should use with any fitness program you use, too.

  • Fitness starts at frenzied thrashing
  • Carry a kettlebell at all times for maximum effort no matter what you’re doing
  • Don’t puke into the flywheel of the rowing machine
  • Remember 9/11
  • Always remember 9/11

Finally, Saquon Barkley didn’t make it clear that he was doing this reps for the troops, meaning this rep might be for ISIS. That’s disrespectful to the troops and to the brave sacrifices they make every day so he can get a free education.

The troops want you to spend 187 dollars a class.

No, this is not a derelict Chuck E Cheese, why would you say that?

For Sparta,

-G