NAMES OF FOOTBALL PLAYERS

It is time to update the list of names which are definitively football player names.

HERMAN

Name your child Herman and he has no choice but to become incredibly powerful and large, or at least fast enough to outrun those who would beat him up for being named Herman. He will be silent and strong, and sleep in a barn you construct for your large child named Herman.

ROHAN

On this list for Rohan Davey alone, it should be a matter of federal law that more children should be named after Rohan Davey.

KEN

Ken plays on defense. Do you want to be a running back and carry the ball? You are named Ken, you only get to touch the ball when you tear off the arm of the ballcarrier and accidentally get the ball. Ken will have the best overhead press on the team. He just will. (This is why Ken Dorsey never made it in the NFL; GMs failed to recognize his true potential as a middle linebacker.)

RAY

Ray is a solid football name at any position at any time.

RAY RAY

Ray Ray is twice the football name Ray is, because there is twice as much Ray in the name.

ZEKE/DEKE/IKE/SPIKE

Everyone of these names has inherent football strength built into the name itself, because they all sound like impact. Additionally, extra points can be added for full versions of three of these sounding super church-y (Isaac, Deacon, and Ezekiel.)

LEONARD

See: “Herman”

MAX

Give a baby the name “Max” and he will gain five pounds on the scale instantly and gain a deep understanding of drive blocking.

RASHAD

For some reason this feels not just like a football name, but a name that gives you a 50% chance of being on the starting two-deep on the Alabama defense

TRENT

All-purpose switchblade name for all types of football players. If unsure what to name a potential football player, default to Trent.

THE NAME OF ANY CITY USED AS A FIRST NAME

If absolutely stuck, choose a city as a first name. They all work across all positions and player race/class/ethnicity, as evidenced by this list of completely fictional football players:

• Cleveland Willis
• Beijing Richmond
• Houston Jones
• Paris McGee
• Rio Harris
• Johannesburg Phillips
• Tokyo “Kyoto” Reed
• Melbourne Williams
• Fargo Griffiths
• Philly Johnson
• Copenhagen Schmidt
• Phoenix Smith
• The Hague O’Leary
• Winnipeg Morris
• Hanoi Miller
• Calcutta Harris
• Dakar Hall
• Yangon Reed

JAKE

He’s a tight end, Jake is always a tight end.

ANY WORD INDICATING MILITARY RANK

INITIAL COMBINATIONS INVOLVING L, P, T, D, AND J

Throw any of these together and you will have a more than satisfying start to a football name. For maximum power, add three or four of them into a single string to create an impossibly potent football player. “T.P.L.D. WATKINS ON THE CATCH, FIRST DOWN, TIGERS!!!”

KEVIN

Kevins of all races, creeds, colors, and sizes make at least acceptably good football players at any position.

KEITH

If Kevin is taken, choose Keith.

LARRY JOHNSON

Some Larrys are football players; All Larrys Johnson are football players, even the one who played for the Charlotte Hornets in the 1990s.

NICK

Neck roll guy; either has one tattoo dedicated to a dead relative and the Lord, or has a full body tat dedicated to a dead relative and the Lord.

DUSTY

Will also accept Rusty, Trusty, and Frostee as variants/cousins of this name. Crosses two important subcategories of names that feed into football names beautifully: “Cowboy” and “wrestler”. There has never been a football player named “Crusty” and that is probably a shame.

TRE/TRA/TRAY/TREY

Any variation will do for anyone; appellation instantly gives them a southern accent and either a truck or a muscle car or possibly both, depending on the school and its compensation package for football players.

VERNON

Unlike Leonards and Hermans, Vernons may be of any size.

275 LBS PLUS ONLY NATES

Nates tend to be fat, though positions and relative size may vary. The larger, the better, generally speaking, especially since “BIG NATE” just makes sense coming off the tongue.

DAN

Dans grew up with grim but loving fathers who spoke little, smoked, and performed at least one job that involved dragging something heavy. They may have a childhood familiarity with at least one of the following activities: Logging, fishing, watermelon farming, powerlifting (it’s a childhood activity for Dans), scrap-metal processing, the operation of various heavy machineries, sledding, smoking, construction work, brush clearing, heavy metal mining, and/or judo.

Dans rarely own shirts with full sleeves; their arms are too large, and the weather is never enough of a factor psychologically to tell them what they are going to wear. If Dans wear full sleeves, they will do it when it is zero degrees, and also when it is 98 degrees. All Dans agree: These are the same temperatures.

VINCE

May be applied to any player at any position from anywhere.

BULL BARGE

Pros: Is Bull Barge. Cons: None.