clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

HOW GEORGIA IS THIS CRIME?

New, 958 comments

THE KENTUCKY WATERWAYS EDITION

It’s a slow time of year around the college football world, which is why we’re intensely grateful any time a story comes around that breaks through the pre-Media Days lull with a special local angle.

With that in mind, allow us to extend a hearty thank you to the man who led police on an hour-long drunken boat chase while posting about it on Snapchat. As always, we must ask ourselves: How Georgia Is This Crime?

TO THE PYRAMID!

Was a vehicle involved?

Yes! Oh, my yes. Our intrepid boatsman was, per law enforcement statements, “causing trouble at the marina” along Lake Cumberland. When approached by police, he “went full throttle” and led them on an hour-long high-speed chase.

Right off the bat, let’s address “Causing Trouble At The Marina”, which is the title of my derivative bro-country album, including such hits as “Fireworks (Put Derek’s Thumb In The Yeti)” and “My Tax Dollars Paid For That Taser”. Causing trouble at the marina, is, itself, quite the Georgia indiscretion.

Finding the sheer room for an hour-long high-speed chase on an inland lake? Well now that’s incredible resourcefulness. “Wait, Lake Cumberland isn’t-”, you say. Yes, yes, we’ll get to that.

What’s the perpetrator’s name?

Kyle Matthews. Solid, unremarkable. Not dripping with Georgianity, and yet, if I told you Kyle Matthews was third on the depth chart for the Dawgs at QB this year, you’d be yelling “PUT IN MATTHEW KYLES” by Columbus Day.

Doesn’t add to the score, doesn’t take away.

What was the state of the arrestee’s hair and dress?

As the only available photographs are post-arrest, we don’t have conclusive information on the state of his dress. That is, working off the assumption that the orange visible in the photo below is in fact a local jail jumpsuit and not from his own bright-orange collection. Can’t be sure. But-

My god, he’s glorious. Staffordian. I’m not sure he isn’t actually UGA’s QB3 right now.

Are there other extenuating circumstances we should be considering?

Yes, several. First, the Snapchatting. Officers stated that, during the course of the chase “we could tell he was filming on his phone”, but that they were unaware he was posting to Snapchat until after the arrest, when other officers on land relayed that “they’d already seen parts of the chase”.

DID ANYONE COME TO GET HIM? I HAVE TO KNOW.

Documenting a crime on social media is itself a strong factor in our score here, but, and help me out here, because I’m old - wasn’t the whole idea behind Snapchat that it’s somewhat private? You know, you send stuff to friends and it disappears? Anyways, with that in mind, how did the police see it while it was happening? Don’t explain it to me if you know. I want to believe that the police already followed Kyle on Snapchat, because “documenting an active crime on social media when the cops are your cousin” is incredibly Georgia.

Oh, the other factor-

Yes, this didn’t actually happen in Georgia at all, but rather, Russell County, Kentucky. In fairness, this should invalidate the traditional scoring metrics here. Despite the great successes of people who have gone from Georgia to Kentucky -

... and the extreme apparent Georgianity of this crime, we cannot fairly score it. This is a five-star recruit that has been declared academically ineligible at Georgia.

Instead, we must approach this as an omen.

A sign.

A harbinger.

This is Kentucky’s year. Kentucky has been studying the ways of the SEC for a long time, lurking in the shadows, preparing. They showed some fight last year, but didn’t fully break through.

Kyle is the canary in this coalmine. He’s here to tell us that Kentucky is the new Georgia.

HOW GEORGIA IS THIS PREDICTION: Kentucky wins the SEC East despite an inexcusable and confusing loss to Florida.