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SIGNS YOU MAY BE IN THE MIDDLE OF A FLORIDA FOOTBALL SEASON

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YOU HAVE JUST LOST A NOON GAME TO A MISSISSIPPI SCHOOL

Florida v Georgia
FOR REAL THIS IS A JOKE BUT THIS IS SCARY
Photo by Sam Greenwood/Getty Images

An offensive recruit committed to Florida gets a Gator tattoo to demonstrate his loyalty

You have a game interrupted by hurricane, lightning, bees, ants, an accidental shutdown of the state university system created by a poorly written clause in an agricultural bill, or the logistical issues surrounding the possible evacuation from a hurricane that ends up missing the state entirely

Your quarterback looks great against an inferior opponent

You receive an overly generous ranking in a national poll early in the season

By the fourth game, your quarterback has been broken in two/thrown off the team for a positive drug test/has been concussed and is waiting for The Lord to tell him his brain is healed

Your safety has acquired a targeting penalty

There are fewer ants, but also more ants

Your receiver drops a touchdown

You lose to Alabama

Your other receiver drops a touchdown

Your best defensive lineman tears an ACL against Northeast Alabama State Technical University (GOOD OL’ NASTU)

Coaches and administrators bemoan poor student attendance at a ninety-five degree game at noon against NASTU in mid-September

Your AD schedules eight more home games over the next ten years with NASTU

You beat Kentucky anyway

You watch as someone standing on the sideline is obliterated for no reason by your careening safety who often acquires targeting penalties

Your starting tackle tears every ligament in his knee in a scooter accident in week two

Your backup quarterback turns out to be a prospect whose physical peak was a dazzling junior year in high school

Your starting right guard has gotten scabies from a dirty team bus seat

You are looking with dread at a non-LSU SEC West road game to a locale you are largely unfamiliar with

Your safety has acquired a targeting penalty

Your kicker has become the most popular person on the team

You go to overtime with a Sun Belt school

You become bowl eligible by beating a Sun Belt school in Gainesville in overtime

You do not play Miami and are accused of cowardice by Miami fans

You play Miami and lose and are still accused of cowardice by Miami fans for not playing them every year

Your punter has become the second most popular person on the team

Your coach desperately hustles to shore up a commit from a three star offensive lineman

Your coach is widely seen as trying very hard, per college football media types who never say anything bad, and that’s what counts

You lose badly in a non-LSU SEC West road game you were dreading in a locale you are largely unfamiliar with

Your backup running back averages 7.2 yards per carry in that loss

Your backup running back receives three carries in the second half of that loss where he averages 7.2 yards a carry

Your starting running back receives 20 carries for 42 yards in the second half of that same loss

Your backup right guard has also acquired scabies from a dirty team bus seat; the coach wants him to play, but the state health department threatens to shut down the program and contact the CDC if he does

The LSU game is just kinda fucked up for you, or for LSU, or for both teams, somehow

The LSU game features a crucial special teams fake

Your backup quarterback, now starting, throws a deep ball indistinguishable from a bad punt

The LSU game ultimately decides nothing for either team

You are asked what happened to Florida football by a family member at a social occasion

You respond by switching the topic to the women’s softball team and the outstanding season they just had, it was on ESPN and everything

The offensive recruit with the Gator tattoo decommits to take an offer from Florida State

You play Missouri for some reason

The guy who represented your star player (who is still on the team) accused of sexual assault in a Title IX case despite a serious conflict of interest loses his new job after buying “cyborg sex” pornography with the new school’s funds

You marvel at South Carolina having three legit mutants on defense and how much it hurts to play them and still win by at least two touchdowns

You respond angrily to someone pointing out two Florida football players blocking each other during a play

You admit that on further review, two Florida football players were indeed blocking each other during a play

Your middle linebacker has acquired a targeting penalty

You score a prime number against Florida State with no offensive scoring whatsoever

You watch another former Florida commit now playing for Florida State run for 200 yards and/or get 100 yards and 2 TDs receiving against you

200 recruits at the game also watch this with you

You give back at least three thousand of your SEC Championship tickets in Atlanta

You lose to Alabama twice

You accept an invite to a bowl game within two hours driving distance of Alachua County

You correctly anticipate a random result in that conveniently located bowl game

You still beat Georgia