/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_image/image/54644269/running_greyhound_wallpaper.0.jpg)
The normally entirely-on-the-level industry of organized dog racing was rocked this week, when evidence surfaced that a veteran dog trainer - in Tampa, of all places - may have been supplementing his dogs’ performance through doses of cocaine.
Frankly, I’m shocked. This is not what I expect from the Sport of Kings’ Dirtbag Half-Brothers, nor from the fine all-American city that gave us such luminaries as Aaron Carter, Channing Tatum, Ryan Nanni, and Nick Carter.
It’s shocking.
But it also got me thinking.
Cocaine Greyhounds is a great mascot for a college football team. Way better than, say [looks it up] the Bulls. And let’s face it, South Florida. You’re in the AAC. It’s not the most exciting league for viewers, and you’re surrounded by Power 5 programs in your own state. You need to do something to stand out. It’s an opportune time - you’re switching head coaches, likely switching styles of play: why not turn that into a full rebrand?
Let’s go to the tale of the tape.
:no_upscale()/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_asset/file/8468531/GettyImages_1857796.jpg)
POINT I: IS THIS MASCOT NATIVE TO THE AREA?
Bulls: I mean I guess there’s probably bulls at some farms near Tampa but it’s not really what you think of when you think of Florida
Cocaine Greyhounds:
“There have been other cases of greyhounds testing positive for cocaine in the United Sates and Florida but never so many in such a short time frame in one kennel at one track, said Carey Theil, executive director of GREY2K USA, a nonprofit industry watchdog group.”
Well, there you go. Indigenous fauna.
ADVANTAGE: COCAINE GREYHOUNDS, THE PRIDE OF TAMPA
:no_upscale()/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_asset/file/8467701/derpy_dog_greyhound_sticking_tongue_zappa_47_605x605.jpg)
POINT II: NAME RECOGNITION POTENTIAL:
“Hey, Frank, you gonna watch the Bulls game tonight?”
“Gosh, I dunno, Pete, are we talking about mediocre Mid-American Conference member State University of New York at Buffalo? Or the NBA team that hasn’t won a title in nearly 20 years?”
or
“Hey, Pete, you wanna watch the Cocaine Greyhounds tonight?”
“I don’t even know what the hell you’re talking about, but yes, absolutely, that is a question I will say yes to. Where. Can we go straight there now?”
ADVANTAGE: COCAINE GREYHOUNDS GOT CURB APPEAL
:no_upscale()/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_asset/file/8467593/ginger_face.jpg)
POINT III: BUT WE ALSO GOTTA APPEAL TO THE KIDS, ARE THE KIDS GONNA WANT TO CUDDLE IT
:no_upscale()/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_asset/file/8467607/635931958801131817_bull.jpg)
:no_upscale()/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_asset/file/8467611/gumbo_face.jpg)
ADVANTAGE: HONESTLY I KINDA WANNA CUDDLE BOTH BUT THE BULL’S GONNA RUIN MY COUCH, POINT GOES TO THE CANEHOUND
POINT IV: SPEED IS IMPORTANT IN FOOTBALL THESE DAYS. CAN IT RUN FAST?
Bulls:
:no_upscale()/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_asset/file/8467569/potd_gored_3200653b.jpg)
Cocaine Greyhounds:
:no_upscale()/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_asset/file/8467579/Szombierki_greyhound_18.09.2011_2pl.jpg)
ADVANTAGE: OKAY THAT’S PROBABLY A PUSH
POINT V: DO WE HAVE A LOT OF PHOTOS OF YOUR RECENTLY-HIRED HEAD COACH LOSING A LOT OF FOOTBALL GAMES WHILE WEARING SOMETHING THAT LOOKS A LOT LIKE THE ANIMAL THAT IS CURRENTLY YOUR MASCOT:
:no_upscale()/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_asset/file/8467635/1024x1024.jpg)
ADVANTAGE: I THINK CHARLIE WOULD LOOK GOOD WEARING A QUARTER-ZIP WITH A NICE, DRUG-ADDLED SIGHTHOUND ON IT
FINAL SCORE: COCAINE GREYHOUNDS 4.5, BULLS 0.5
In conclusion, Tampa is a land of contrasts.
Uh, so hey, buddy, do you wanna go for a wa-
:no_upscale()/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_asset/file/8468525/5dc23ad8900ad51dfcd132ed207fa2b5.jpg)
HELL YEAH FIRST GAME OF THE SEASON IS AT SAN JOSE STATE START RUNNING WE CAN BE THERE BY TUESDAY LAST ONE THERE’S A ROTTEN EGG
ALSO I TOOK FIFTY BUCKS OUT OF YOUR WALLET
Loading comments...