INTRODUCING THE COCAINE GREYHOUNDS

The normally entirely-on-the-level industry of organized dog racing was rocked this week, when evidence surfaced that a veteran dog trainer - in Tampa, of all places - may have been supplementing his dogs’ performance through doses of cocaine.

Frankly, I’m shocked. This is not what I expect from the Sport of Kings’ Dirtbag Half-Brothers, nor from the fine all-American city that gave us such luminaries as Aaron Carter, Channing Tatum, Ryan Nanni, and Nick Carter.

It’s shocking.

But it also got me thinking.

Cocaine Greyhounds is a great mascot for a college football team. Way better than, say [looks it up] the Bulls. And let’s face it, South Florida. You’re in the AAC. It’s not the most exciting league for viewers, and you’re surrounded by Power 5 programs in your own state. You need to do something to stand out. It’s an opportune time - you’re switching head coaches, likely switching styles of play: why not turn that into a full rebrand?

Let’s go to the tale of the tape.

POINT I: IS THIS MASCOT NATIVE TO THE AREA?

Bulls: I mean I guess there’s probably bulls at some farms near Tampa but it’s not really what you think of when you think of Florida

Cocaine Greyhounds:

“There have been other cases of greyhounds testing positive for cocaine in the United Sates and Florida but never so many in such a short time frame in one kennel at one track, said Carey Theil, executive director of GREY2K USA, a nonprofit industry watchdog group.”

Well, there you go. Indigenous fauna.

ADVANTAGE: COCAINE GREYHOUNDS, THE PRIDE OF TAMPA

POINT II: NAME RECOGNITION POTENTIAL:

“Hey, Frank, you gonna watch the Bulls game tonight?”

“Gosh, I dunno, Pete, are we talking about mediocre Mid-American Conference member State University of New York at Buffalo? Or the NBA team that hasn’t won a title in nearly 20 years?”

or

“Hey, Pete, you wanna watch the Cocaine Greyhounds tonight?”

“I don’t even know what the hell you’re talking about, but yes, absolutely, that is a question I will say yes to. Where. Can we go straight there now?”

ADVANTAGE: COCAINE GREYHOUNDS GOT CURB APPEAL

POINT III: BUT WE ALSO GOTTA APPEAL TO THE KIDS, ARE THE KIDS GONNA WANT TO CUDDLE IT

ADVANTAGE: HONESTLY I KINDA WANNA CUDDLE BOTH BUT THE BULL’S GONNA RUIN MY COUCH, POINT GOES TO THE CANEHOUND

POINT IV: SPEED IS IMPORTANT IN FOOTBALL THESE DAYS. CAN IT RUN FAST?

Bulls:

Cocaine Greyhounds:

ADVANTAGE: OKAY THAT’S PROBABLY A PUSH

POINT V: DO WE HAVE A LOT OF PHOTOS OF YOUR RECENTLY-HIRED HEAD COACH LOSING A LOT OF FOOTBALL GAMES WHILE WEARING SOMETHING THAT LOOKS A LOT LIKE THE ANIMAL THAT IS CURRENTLY YOUR MASCOT:

ADVANTAGE: I THINK CHARLIE WOULD LOOK GOOD WEARING A QUARTER-ZIP WITH A NICE, DRUG-ADDLED SIGHTHOUND ON IT

FINAL SCORE: COCAINE GREYHOUNDS 4.5, BULLS 0.5

In conclusion, Tampa is a land of contrasts.

Uh, so hey, buddy, do you wanna go for a wa-

HELL YEAH FIRST GAME OF THE SEASON IS AT SAN JOSE STATE START RUNNING WE CAN BE THERE BY TUESDAY LAST ONE THERE’S A ROTTEN EGG

ALSO I TOOK FIFTY BUCKS OUT OF YOUR WALLET