The normally entirely-on-the-level industry of organized dog racing was rocked this week, when evidence surfaced that a veteran dog trainer - in Tampa, of all places - may have been supplementing his dogs’ performance through doses of cocaine.
Frankly, I’m shocked. This is not what I expect from the Sport of Kings’ Dirtbag Half-Brothers, nor from the fine all-American city that gave us such luminaries as Aaron Carter, Channing Tatum, Ryan Nanni, and Nick Carter.
But it also got me thinking.
Cocaine Greyhounds is a great mascot for a college football team. Way better than, say [looks it up] the Bulls. And let’s face it, South Florida. You’re in the AAC. It’s not the most exciting league for viewers, and you’re surrounded by Power 5 programs in your own state. You need to do something to stand out. It’s an opportune time - you’re switching head coaches, likely switching styles of play: why not turn that into a full rebrand?
Let’s go to the tale of the tape.
POINT I: IS THIS MASCOT NATIVE TO THE AREA?
Bulls: I mean I guess there’s probably bulls at some farms near Tampa but it’s not really what you think of when you think of Florida
“There have been other cases of greyhounds testing positive for cocaine in the United Sates and Florida but never so many in such a short time frame in one kennel at one track, said Carey Theil, executive director of GREY2K USA, a nonprofit industry watchdog group.”
Well, there you go. Indigenous fauna.
ADVANTAGE: COCAINE GREYHOUNDS, THE PRIDE OF TAMPA
POINT II: NAME RECOGNITION POTENTIAL:
“Hey, Frank, you gonna watch the Bulls game tonight?”
“Gosh, I dunno, Pete, are we talking about mediocre Mid-American Conference member State University of New York at Buffalo? Or the NBA team that hasn’t won a title in nearly 20 years?”
“Hey, Pete, you wanna watch the Cocaine Greyhounds tonight?”
“I don’t even know what the hell you’re talking about, but yes, absolutely, that is a question I will say yes to. Where. Can we go straight there now?”
ADVANTAGE: COCAINE GREYHOUNDS GOT CURB APPEAL
POINT III: BUT WE ALSO GOTTA APPEAL TO THE KIDS, ARE THE KIDS GONNA WANT TO CUDDLE IT
ADVANTAGE: HONESTLY I KINDA WANNA CUDDLE BOTH BUT THE BULL’S GONNA RUIN MY COUCH, POINT GOES TO THE CANEHOUND
POINT IV: SPEED IS IMPORTANT IN FOOTBALL THESE DAYS. CAN IT RUN FAST?
ADVANTAGE: OKAY THAT’S PROBABLY A PUSH
POINT V: DO WE HAVE A LOT OF PHOTOS OF YOUR RECENTLY-HIRED HEAD COACH LOSING A LOT OF FOOTBALL GAMES WHILE WEARING SOMETHING THAT LOOKS A LOT LIKE THE ANIMAL THAT IS CURRENTLY YOUR MASCOT:
ADVANTAGE: I THINK CHARLIE WOULD LOOK GOOD WEARING A QUARTER-ZIP WITH A NICE, DRUG-ADDLED SIGHTHOUND ON IT
FINAL SCORE: COCAINE GREYHOUNDS 4.5, BULLS 0.5
In conclusion, Tampa is a land of contrasts.
Uh, so hey, buddy, do you wanna go for a wa-
HELL YEAH FIRST GAME OF THE SEASON IS AT SAN JOSE STATE START RUNNING WE CAN BE THERE BY TUESDAY LAST ONE THERE’S A ROTTEN EGG
ALSO I TOOK FIFTY BUCKS OUT OF YOUR WALLET