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WE HAVE A NEW CONTRIBUTOR

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BUT THE SAME OLD SCHTICK, BASICALLY

We’re down a body right now at Every Day Should Be Saturday, now that Ryan Nanni has been [flipping through notes] uh [checks back of notes] arrested for tax fraud? I wasn’t really paying attention. Anyways, it’s an opportune time to bring in a new contributor. Liven things up. Find a fresh voice. A new perspective. Show-

Holly: shoulda been you leaving

actioncookbook: Hey, now, come on, that’s not nice.

Holly: anyways, I’m not doing this. I’m not going to be your new contributor. You’ve been getting free content out of me for too long, and I-

actioncookbook: Holly, it’s not you.

Holly: the hell it isn’t, you trying to replace me?

actioncookbook: No, but I knew that you weren’t going to-

Holly: stick figure family on your Subaru ass face

actioncookbook: don’t do this

Holly: gotta hand it to the decal makers, they really nailed your muscle tone

actioncookbook: hey, now, I have functional strength

Holly: uh-huh, I heard you straining to carry me up the stairs, I’m 30 damn pounds

actioncookbook: you know, you could walk up the stairs yourself, you’re perfectly healthy

Holly: I’m not the one on trial here, guy who answers the question “what would Jared Kushner look like if he was poor”

actioncookbook: uncalled for

Holly: you know what else was uncalled for? You, in gym class.

actioncookbook: that was years before you were even born, how did you- [hit in face with dodgeball] where did you even get that? And how did you throw it? Your legs are 4 inches long

Holly: I have hidden talents. Who knows, maybe you do, too? Have you ever tried writing?

actioncookbook: people like my writing

Holly: they’ve already moved on to the comments

actioncookbook: Look, Holly, I’m done being insulted by you. But, people do like columns ghost-written from the perspective of dogs. It just so happened this weekend, I was digging through a box of photos my grandfather had from even before his time, and I discovered this portrait a dog from around 1900. I think he’ll be the fresh perspective we n-

Cornelius Pierrepont Dogerfeller: I say, there, Pembroke, what manner of knave is this? He has the wan complecksion of a Tufts man, but I daresay half the wit!

Holly: DRAG HIS ASS, TEDDY ROOSEVELT

actioncookbook: oh god no

C.P. Dogerfeller: His presence calls to mind that of the annual Harvard Regatta!

actioncookbook: that doesn’t sound bad at first, rowers are fit

C.P. Dogerfeller: The stature of a coxswain, the countenance of an oar, and the smell of the Charles River at midday!

Holly: COMIN’ OUTTA THE CROWD ON YOU LIKE LEON CZOLGOSZ

C.P. Dogerfeller: My corgi friend here says you’re an architect. You look like a good one!

actioncookbook: Well, thank you, that’s-

C.P. Dogerfeller: Stanford White, the morning after he saw Mam’zelle Champagne!

Holly: MORE LIKE HARRY KENDALL THAW-WWW SHIT YOU GOT BURNED

C.P. Dogerfeller: Wait, I have it, old sport! I think I saw your figure in a museum of late!

actioncookbook: I bet it’s not going to be a Greek statue

C.P. Dogerfeller: Yes, I believe you were in one of George Luks’ gutters!

Holly: I DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND THAT REFERENCE BUT I LOVE THIS

C.P. Dogerfeller: I say, Ashcan boy, this fine herding dog is in your care? Fine dog, indeed. You’ve made one good decision in your time, and you ride out the results long after fair credit should be exhausted. A Rutgers man, perhaps!

actioncookbook: That’s the meanest thing either of you have said today, but it does allow me to make the tenuous segue back into football, I was hoping you could offer up some commentary on the coming season.

C.P. Dogerfeller: Forthwith, fetch me the broadsheets! [puts on monocle] Now, regarding the Western Conference, I say, they’ve got a fine bunch of lads there. I think those stout boys at Purdue have a great shot at challenging the Maroons of Chicago this year.

actioncookbook: I think that’s a nice, reasonable goal for them to set this year.

C.P. Dogerfeller: Ah, I see the Tigers at Clemson reigned supreme this past annum, I knew my chap John Heisman would have them in fine stead, fine stead indeed, I say! Gave what-for to the Ol’ Crimson-White! [chortles] Thinking Alabama could field a team worthy of the finest field-battalions! Who do they figure themselves, Minnesota! [more chortling]

actioncookbook: Alabama’s actually expected to be quite good this year, most analysts have them ranked #1, with challenges hot on their heels from Ohio State and Florida State, who-

C.P. Dogerfeller: The West Florida Seminary? By and by, chum, this is a brute’s game, a folly of fisticuffs and fury! It’s no place for those Tallahassee choir boys! I daresay, how does one expect to deliver a proper flying wedge when worrying about dirt on your vestments?

actioncookbook: The wedge was outlawed even before your time.

C.P. Dogerfeller: [winks] Aye, and we don’t pay the players either. Now, I say, how’d my lads at Notre Dame do this year?

actioncookbook: They won four games.

C.P. Dogerfeller: Bully! I knew Pat O’Dea would have their ship in steady hands. The Ol’ Kangaroo Kicker, we called him! Now, how many games did they play? Five?

Holly: do you want to tell him or should I