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AIRPLANE FIGHT BREAKDOWN: OL’ BOY VS. RED SHIRT

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NEVER BET ON THE MAN IN THE HAWAIIAN SHIRT

WILL MUSCHAMP GETTIN ON PLANES AND FIGHTIN ROUND THE WORLD
  1. This is the actual story: Dude in red shirt goes apeshit out of nowhere on a Tokyo—>LA flight, begins tussle with guy in row behind him. Videographer explains that fight ended when the video did, i.e. when he went to square up with Red Shirt, or in his own words when “he wouldn’t 1v1 me”. Our video guy has been watching too much Twitch, and that’s just fine, though “the fight ended when I stepped in” seems weird when Red Shirt had already eaten a porterhouse-sized left jab to the face? We’re skeptical for reasons you’ll see below.
  2. Red Shirt fights like Brian Sutherland, aka the man who “had no business being in the ring.” He has no striking ability; he offers no defense. He paws and slaps at his opponent like a kitten batting at a tank. He lunges with real malice and inauthentic threat, like a first grader fighting over stolen fruit snacks in a cafeteria. This man has not fought since he was in first grade. His opponent has. This will not end well, not in any way imaginable.
  3. Red Shirt is the FCS team that starts the fight by scoring a rogue TD on a blown coverage in the first quarter, seizing an improbable 7-0 lead. Sometimes you ride that lead to a stunning upset of an FBS team, but Red Shirt? Sir, with all due respect, you are no Georgia Southern.
  4. Ol’ Boy (that’s what we’re calling him here via burly shitkicker vibes and ultimate victory status) enters the fight with his headphones on, and presumably some music playing. Best case scenario: He was listening to the Final Fantasy VII soundtrack. Worst case scenario: He was listening to Sigur Ros. We can’t think of more relaxing, despondent music to enter a fight to than Sigur Ros.
  5. Whatever he was listening to, Ol’ Boy gets his headphones knocked off and enters the fight. He’s hesitant at first. Most people would be, since a.) this is an insane stranger fighting on a plane for no discernible reason, b.) Red Shirt fights exactly like a pissed-off but overmatched cat, and c.) planes are small spaces where no one expects to suddenly be thrown in a fistfight.
  6. A note on that: We were going to say that historically speaking, the only two people who should fistfight on planes are Liam Neeson and Wesley Snipes. Fate of the Furious made us rethink this, since Jason Statham not only kills like 40 people on a plane in flight, he does a good chunk of it while carrying a baby. He’s in, and Neeson’s out via being super-tall, a build that frankly would not work in the confined spaces of even a spacious airliner like an A380. Look at Ol’Boy here: he’s not a giant, but the work of fighting from the window seat even as a normal-sized person looks like getting into a brawl in a children’s playplace. The compact Passenger 57 is still the first draft pick here. (Bonus: He’ll destroy you on Twitter afterwards.)
  7. Someone yells “SECURITY” in the middle of this. We would like to see this daffodil of a person in all situations in life where there is never security, like during a shark attack. “SECURITY!!!” [/tiger shark continues meal]
  8. Red Shirt, we repeat: Just a big ‘ol mangy kitty, slappin’ away and lunging back in when he shouldn’t, even after a flight attendant bravely and vainly inserts herself between the two. It’s never a good sign in a fight when your shirt gets ripped and no one’s sure how it happened, not even those watching it live. Even in early rounds, it’s clear that the only advantage Red Shirt has miiiiiiiight be handspeed. And even then, if Ol’ Boy lands one of those hams on him it’s gonna be—-
BAD KITTY

—that, that’s gonna happen.

9. Will Muschamp’s adult son has a real jab—a slow jab, but it really doesn’t matter how fast a train is going when it hits a bus parked over the train tracks. Totaled is totaled according to every insurance company on the planet. Red Shirt is, per our agents, totaled here, and that’s before he slams his head on the overhead baggage compartment on the way back. USING YOUR SURROUNDINGS IS ADVANCED LEVEL FIGHTING EVEN IF DONE ACCIDENTALLY. Coach Boom Jr., you’re doing it right.

10. The guy in the turban watching all this calmly, tho:

quietly muttering: worldstaaaarrrrrr