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EDSBS CHARITY UPDATE: THE HIGH ROLLERS CLUB IS HERE

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ALSO DON’T FIGHT KYLE WHITTINGHAM

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RICH FOLKS ONLY IN OUR MENTIONS PLEASE
Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images

The 2017 EDSBS Charity Bowl is this week. The primer for it is here; the DONATE DONATE DONATE page is here.

FIRST: Next week's Fullcast will feature questions from HIGH ROLLERS ONLY. If you want to be part of this exclusive VIP upper crust society:

1. Donate at least $100 in the Charity Bowl (donations from earlier this week count)

2. Send Ryan (ryan.nanni@gmail.com) your receipt

3. Ryan will send you the number to the HIGH ROLLER HOTLINE

4. You call and leave us a message, and we will address it on next week's episode. Yes, you can ask anything you like, as long as you donate at least $100. Do you want us to talk about Georgia Southern humiliating Florida by beating them at home? A hundred dollars will get you there. As long as the topic can’t get us sued or arrested, we will address it.

SECOND: Y’all have no chill whatsoever. Oh, this is just going to be a casual, slow-rollout kind of fundraiser. No biggie, just bring a bottle of wine. We’ll be in bed early, just some midweek fundraising hangout type shit.

You seem incapable of throwing anything but a rager, Commentariat.

As of Thursday morning, the EDSBS Charity Bowl 2017 has raised $21,385.08 for New American Pathways. Michigan is of course in the lead because that’s what they do, but: LOOK AT GEORGIA. All we needed was some hefty participation from Georgia Tech, and the Bulldogs rolled up to the party straight from the golf course with a 24 pack of Bud Light and the checkbook open. Woof woof, etc.

Got some strong work from Alabama, Texas, and several other major public institutions in the Feral Hog Belt. BALLOON HUNTING IS LEGAL NOW. TASTE DEATH FROM ABOVE, PORCINE INVADERS. Somewhere the Montgolfier brothers are floating through the afterlife, satisfied that someone finally realized the noblest, best possible use of their creation.

LOOK AT YOU, UGA
AHOY, KENNESAW STATE
VONTAZE BURFICT’S SCHOOL OF INTIMIDATION IS A LEGITIMATE TRADE SCHOOL

Let’s keep this torrid pace up and make sure to continue turning this fundraiser into the Wednesday night happy hour that got wildly out of hand. DONATE DONATE DONATE DONATE DONATE DONATE DONATE DONATE DONATE DONATE.

Oh, and THIRD: since it came up on Twitter last night, the comprehensive list of people we would not ever want to fight in any situation starts with Kyle Whittingham. He’s a former BYU linebacker who has not missed a day of workouts ever even when he was deathly ill.

The “BYU Linebacker” part lets you know he’ll punch you in the nuts, and knows what it’s like to be an unpaid 24 year old athlete with two kids; the “never missing a workout” part lets you know that even if he loses, he’ll be back the next day for the rematch; The “head coach” part confirms your worst suspicions that he not only has tape of his loss, but that he spent several hours breaking it down in order to enter the rematch with a better gameplan.

That said, assistant strength coach Anthony Schlegel of Ohio State is riiiiiight there. Tweet is relevant to recent events!

At least Schlegel was hunting, presumably to get meat to eat. Former Florida linebacker Channing Crowder just tackled hogs for fun.

TL; DR: Let’s just not fight any coach, because we are mostly not former football players, and are soft and bad at punching and being punched. Donate to a good cause, instead, because you like causes, and charity, and not being punched by a football coach clearly waiting for an excuse to punch someone.

Today’s donation goes out to all the feral hogs and those who hunt them who remember Channing Crowder’s part in beating eventual SEC and BCS champions LSU 19-7 in Death Valley.

RON ZOOK Y’ALL