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CFP National Championship
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It may seem like Alabama is paying Nick Saban a lot. His new contract puts him at $7 million for 2017, and averages about $8.2 million over the course of the new deal through the year 2024. Add all that together and pile a $4 million signing bonus into the equation, and the Alabama boosters have made him what you might consider to be a very rich man.

IF YOU’RE A POOR PERSON. God, Nick Saban, you are so poor. Jim Harbaugh makes more than you do to coach the same game. Jeff Fisher made seven mil last year, and he probably makes something like that this year —and doesn’t even have to do any work, Nick, because he doesn’t even have a job.

Without looking we’ll just say that Charlie Weis probably picks up half your salary from four different ex-employers just to sleep and sometimes appear in stories where he wonders why he can’t get a job. That’s not out-earning you, Nick, but after a certain dollar amount for it? Is it, really?

You’re especially poor as a soccer manager, Nick. Jose Mourinho makes $17.8 mil or so to coach Manchester United. Pep Guardiola pulled down $19 million to manage Manchester City, while even Jürgen Klopp made $9 million to coach Liverpool. Jürgen Klopp may not even recognize or respect the concept of currency, Nick—and he still makes more than you do on average.

Nick, we’re taking it easy on you—and maybe by extension the Alabama boosters—by limiting it to coaches and their superior salaries. If we pull out a frame or two and include actual celebrities, then my oh my: it is not looking good, Alabama.

It’s not even coming up close, even if we rule out obvious bad comparisons like Warren Buffett, Mark Zuckerberg, or the richest man in the world, former Wake Forest coach and Baylor standee Jim Grobe.* Sofia Vergara made $43 million, per Forbes’ 2016 rankings. Shah Rukh Khan made $33 million in the same year AS HE SHOULD BECAUSE HE IS THE KING OF BOLLYWOOD CINEMA AND YOU ARE NOT, NICK SABAN. Boris Diaw almost makes as much as you do, and he should. He’s Boris Diaw. He should make more money than all of us, forever.

*Jim Grobe somehow made over $500 billion coaching Wake Forest football, and anothe $50 billion napping in Waco for half a year. Don’t look it up, it’s true.

Albert Einstein made $11.5 million in 2016 and he’s been dead for sixty-two years; Adam Sandler made $30 million in 2016, though he’s only been dead for fourteen years or so.

The numbers aren’t great, Nick. So if this isn’t a selfless franchise—if you’re not just doing this for the money, but for the kids—then you should really consider getting into a different line of work, something that requires less work, but for more money. If you want to stay in the state of Alabama, consider going into one of the state’s primary demand industries to maximize your dollars invested. Dog tracks are a great start, and you might as well—they’re indirectly subsidizing your salary by at least a small percentage already.

Better yet, get into the pressure-treated plywood business and make some really important business moves. Auburn’s biggest booster is the owner of the Yellawood empire, a man who ironically enough cuts down trees for a living: Jimmy Rane. Hand that business plan over to the Crimson Tide Mafia, and you’ll have yourself a startup in no time with funding for decades longer than you’ll need—and that’s before you start the rumors on Facebook about Yellawood being a front for ISIS.* Harvey Updyke wasn’t totally wrong about how to destroy Auburn. He just knocked over the wrong trees, and didn’t bother to do anything with them afterwards.

*”It’s code, people. Y’allah w’ud” is Arabic for ‘God is great and hates the Tide and your freedoms, please RT/Share.’” There you go, look, doing your work for you. It’s true if you believe it and that’s all you need, now go get that real money.