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BODIES OF WATER, RANKED

FUCK MOATS

By Spencer Hall and Ryan Nanni
A Place To Visit: Fuerteventura Photo by Vittorio Zunino Celotto/Getty Images
  1. Lake. It’s like a manageable ocean, your dog probably won’t get eaten swimming around in it, lakes >>>> ocean, don’t at us.
  2. Ocean. Big carnivorous lake. Con: Filled with sharks. Pro: Filled with sharks.
  3. Sea. Adolescent ocean.
  4. Tide pool. Has hermit crabs and shit in it, that’s great.
  5. Tarn. A lake formed out of a glacier’s scoop. They’re perfect and lovely, haters.
  6. Sound. Deeper than a bight. Suck it, bights.
  7. Fjord. Fjords are so cool they have an extra silent j in them, your man could never get away with an extra silent j.
  8. Stream. They’re soothing as hell and you probably won’t drown in them as much as rivers.
  9. Creek. Would rank higher if it officially changed its name to crick. Stop acting better than you are, creeks.
  10. River. Hard to trust a body of water so readily associated with gambling that doesn’t even get a cut of the action. That’s bad business sense.
  11. Bight. Not a sound, GTFO, bights.
  12. Firth. Basically a Scottish fjord so it has elevated rates of heart disease.
  13. Cove. New England nautical-ass term or pirate word. Pick one, cove.
  14. Strait. Too busy and crowded, usually only featured in wars or tanker accidents.
  15. Bay. We’ll be honest we’ve seen like three bays in our life and all of them were hot, shallow, and surrounded by horrible cities. “Bay” basically means “ditchwater leading up to craptown that only hammerhead sharks like.” Hammerheads have deplorable taste in cities! This is known!
  16. Bayou. River anuses, but surprisingly fun.
  17. Marsh. Loses to bayou for lack of character and cajun zest.
  18. Billabong. Crocodiles in ‘em, avoid.
  19. Harbor. The water designed to protect boats from bigger, badder water. Boats and water are enemies and harbors are the turncoats.
  20. Moat. There’s not a clean moat in the world. Free cash money idea: Uber, but for moat cleaners.
  21. Puddle. Moats that aren’t planned and can only protect your castle from suede shoes.