In college football, scheduling games is a complicated process with numerous moving parts. Because of that, games are routinely scheduled well in advance - sometimes years ahead of time.
This strikes me as a wee bit premature, though. We’re nothing if not thorough and detail-oriented here at Every Day Saturday Blog Saturday, though, so we’ve worked to preview the last of these games, which will feature players who were born between roughly 2012 and, uh, today. A baby born today might play in this game.
Anyways, let’s take a look!
[SCENE: three miles above the burned-out ruins of the Louisville Territory]
BRENT MUSBERGER’S HEAD IN A JAR: You are looking live at Supreme Chancellor John’s Cardinal Starbase, where the 3rd-ranked Cardinals of Louisville look to take on the #2 Fighting Irish of Notre Dame in a clash for a spot in the College Football Playoff. With me as always, the still-breathing body of Kirk Herbstreit, now host to a parasitic alien.
KIRK HERBSTREIT: blork
MUSBERGERJAR: As we all know, the Cardinals and Irish are the only two teams remaining in college football, as the rest were incinerated in The Reckoning. They’ll both be looking to prove something to poll voters in this matchup, with the winner having a chance to leapfrog #1 Alabama, who is inactive this week, having also been incinerated three years ago.
MUSBERGERJAR: We’re almost ready for kickoff here, so we’re going to take it down to Jeannine Edwards on the sidelines.
HERBSTREIT: [muffled sound of chewing]
EDWARDS: [wearing full radiation suit] Thanks, Brent, we’re here with Louisville coach Bobby Petrino, coach, you’re in your fourth stint with the Cardinals, and you lead them to a conference title last year, but you lost a fair amount of talent both to the NFL Draft and to The Eaters, how do you think you’ll replace that lost production?
PETRINO: [not wearing any sort of protective gear, just a windbreaker and khakis] Well, Jeannine, I- [drowned out by a deafening chorus of trumpets] [drops to a kneel]
CHORUS OF BLACK-ROBED SENTINELS, slowly chanting: whooooaaaa Big Paaaapaaa
STADIUM CROWD, joylessly but dutifully responding: whooooaaaa Big Paaaapaaa
EDWARDS: Brent, the full pageantry of a game here is something to behold, we’re about to see the traditional entrance of Louisville’s main booster and Supreme Chancellor of the Unified Territories, Papa John Schnatter. Hail Papa.
MUSBERGERJAR: Hail Papa.
[the sentinels form a circle, and a blinding ball of bluish-white light forms in the center. A deafening tone rings, and a tremendous flash erupts. A Corvette emerges from the smoke. Standing on the driver’s seat, a man wearing golden capes covered with medals faces the crowd.]
PAPA JOHN: People of the Unified Territories! It is our glorious destiny today to finish that which we have started so long ago! We cannot forget the hardships we have all endured. This war has raged on for what seems like a lifetime. We have all lost so much. But today, final victory is at hand! We have this power within us!
CROWD, at a murmur: bet-ter in-gre-di-ents
PAPA JOHN: The Invasion decimated our once-great nation, as it did many of the nations of Earth. We were a broken people, and our final defeat seemed nigh. On that fateful night 14 years ago, when The Visitors assassinated President Ritchie, we could have laid down our arms, submitted to their will. We could have chosen to fulfill their wishes, as hosts for their parasitic brain worms.
HERBSTREIT: Kirk, I think he’s taking the wrong strategy here, and [head explodes]
PAPA JOHN: BUT WE DID NOT SUBMIT. Under my command, we reclaimed ground. Inch by inch, we recaptured what was lost. Have I not been a great leader to you? HAVE I NOT BEEN YOUR PAPA?
CROWD, somberly: bet-ter piz-za
PAPA JOHN: I have not tolerated defiance. I have not tolerated dissent. I have not - and I will not ever - tolerate those that would question my order as we form a Unified State and beat back our enemies, terrestrial and otherwise! One last hold-out remains, and today we will finally bring them in. We will recapture the rogue nation-state. We will finally be unified, when we defeat The Independent!
ROBOT BRIAN KELLY: My calculations suggest that whatever happens in this match, it will not be my fault.
PAPA JOHN: NOW ONWARD, TO VICTORY!
CROWD, loudly but without feeling: TWO MILL-ION PIZ-ZAS
MUSBERGERJAR: And we’re under way! Kirk, I think Louisville’s got a great chance here today, they’ve recruited really well the last few years. A good mix of reprogrammed killbots, war-hardened orphans made superhuman by the radiation, and of course, players whose brain-worms have special talent for football.
HERBSTREIT: [just a sizzling puddle now]
MUSBERGERJAR: None of them are paid though. That’s still the same.
[Robot Brian Kelly is berating a player]
MUSBERGERJAR: We’re going to take you to commercial, with the score 7-0 Louisville, 14 minutes left in the first.