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MARYLAND WON’T WIN THE BIG TEN, BUT JUST IN CASE

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LET’S TALK ABOUT HOW TO EAT A BRICK

Champs Sports Bowl: Purdue v Maryland
POSING WITH A GRONKOWSKI IS AS CLOSE A PICTURE TO “MARYLAND FOOTBALL CHAMPIONSHIP” AS WE COULD FIND
Photo by Doug Benc/Getty Images

We’ll do this, meaning we won’t, because Maryland plays in the same division as Michigan, Ohio State, Penn State, and Michigan State, and the chances of them winning their division are slim to none, and that’s before they have to play another game against whatever comes out of the Big Ten West. The Big Ten, btw, has that tennis player build just like the SEC does: One huge arm, and then one useless, skinny appendage on the other side used mostly for filling out shirts. Symmetry’s for bodybuilders and models, man.

There are other reasons. Maryland went 3-9 6-7 last year and still needs another two years of hard recruiting to get back to anything like competitive. Their quarterback—whoever that may be come fall—will be making the first start of their career. The schedule this year opens against the Longhorns in Texas. History does not have carry-over minutes, but this is fun to note anyway: In three meetings against Texas, the Terps have been outscored 102-0. The good news is that any points, literally any points, against Texas will be groundbreaking stuff for Maryland.

The bad news is the rest of the schedule, which is just standard Big Ten East cruelty mixed in with a kinda mean game against a kinda mean UCF team. BUT.

If the impossible becomes the real and we have to eat a brick, someone has already asked this for us. The honey/ketchup glaze sounds like the way to go.

THANK YOU YAHOO ANSWERS

If that fails, grinding it up into powder and slowly digesting it seems to be the way to go. It has to be easier than eating a shoe, since you can’t pulverize a shoe into dust without some advanced dessication techniques. What we’re trying to say is: Please don’t win the Big Ten, Maryland. Not that anyone ever had to ask you to not win it before, but just to be sure we’re all clear on the concept here, please do not win the Big Ten.