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AN ANONYMOUS NFL SCOUT REVIEWS THE JUSTICE LEAGUE

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THERE ARE CONCERNS, WE HAVE CONCERNS

The teaser trailers are out, and the people are buzzing - they’re making a movie out of a comic book now! That’s right, DC Comics is bringing your fourth-favorite collection of superheroes to the silver screen this fall, with Zack Snyder’s turn on The Justice League slated for a November release.

The film brings back a few characters we’ve seen on-screen lately, but introduces more as they round out the metahuman law enforcement agency. We don’t have a full-time movie critic on staff, but we were able to get some early reviews from the most reliable predictor of future success - an anonymous NFL scout!

Let’s hear what he has to say about the characters we’ll encounter!

THE FLASH

Great speed, expect him to run a sub-4.4 40 in workouts. Worried about his weight, he’s going to need to add bulk if he wants to hold up to the grind of a 16-game schedule. Possesses the power of intangibility, vibrating in a manner that allows him to pass through solid matter. Should help with his elusiveness. Has died in various timelines, but not in others. Raises concern about which player you'll get.

AQUAMAN

Great at harnessing the skills of those around him. True field general. Concerned that he may be more of a “system” player - skills won’t serve him well on dry land in December. Superhuman strength and speed, but not a clear positional fit. May see drafting as a project. King of the undersea nation of Atlantis; raises questions about entitlement.

WONDER WOMAN

[eating handfuls of soggy macaroni from chafing dish, wiping hands on XXL team polo shirt] whatever she’s not even that strong

CYBORG

This kid’s a machine. High motor. Lots of tools. Durable, strong. Little-known, having joined the JLA continuity later - raises concerns that he may be behind in his education, won’t be field-ready on Day One.

BATMAN

Smart, resourceful player. Natural leader. Separates on- and off-field lives well. Occasional bursts of violence. Studied under League of Shadows; many players out of that system have succeeded in the National Football League, including Deathstroke, Doctor Moon, and Vontaze Burfict.

Family life unsettled; raises concerns.

SUPERMAN

Most powerful being on Earth; projects as a high first-round talent. Question of whether he peaked too early. Near-invincible. Kryptonite weakness a concern. The Brandon Routh movie was boring as hell. Heat vision not directly applicable to game, but you like to see a range of skills. Some concern over upbringing; original parents died when planet exploded. Would consider drafting Mitchell Trubisky over him.

THE PARADEMONS

“Monstrous shock troops of Apokolips used by Darkseid to maintain order of the planet.” Perfect fit for the craven embrace of a military-industrial-commercial hybrid we promulgate here in the [slapping hands like seal] National Football League.

Per Wikipedia, they’re “loyal to their master but none too bright”. You like to see loyalty. Won’t question coaches. Also, “they are chosen from the most sociopathic and cruel residents before being given gliders and trained in combat.” You like to see players ready to contribute from the start.

Could see them as a great fit in a team that plays the right way. Expect the Patriots to give them a long look.