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2017 NHL All-Star - Celebrity Shootout Photo by Harry How/Getty Images


WAL-MART > FACEBOOK. Wal-Mart will provide you temporary shelter and sell you a gallon bag of candy for like four dollars. Teens recognize that Wal-Mart is where their divorced dads get air mattresses, fishing rods, and a second bath towel for the weekends they stay at his apartment that he totally forgot about until Friday. Facebook just gives their divorced dads the opportunity to share terrible political opinions and like 38 different “fitness model” pages.

XBOX > PLAYSTATION. “Press triangle.” Listen, stop treating teens like BABIES. They can handle letter buttons. Also nobody can deal with that R1/R2 bullshit when you’re high.

DOMINO’S > CHANEL. Centuries of social norms have reinforced one persistent message: that you need to buy perfume or cologne instead of just eating sensible but regular amounts of pizza and smelling like that all day. Teens have seen through this lie, and public transit will be a better experience because of it.

FORD = CHEVY. They’re not different at all.

NEST > PATAGONIA. There is no battle technology has shifted as fundamentally as Temperature-Sensitive Kids vs. Frugal Dad. In analog times, Frugal Dad had the upper hand, thanks to his vigilance. Nest has changed that dynamic completely and tilted the scales in favor of tech-savvy teens...who no longer need to wear their Patagonia in the house.

DORITOS/OREOS/GATORADE >>>>> THE WALL STREET JOURNAL. Print is dying because it does not come in amazing novelty flavors. Go field test Swedish Fish Atlantic or Spicy Sweet Chili Newsweek and see if I’m wrong.

INSTAGRAM > TWITTER. This was a fastball down the middle and you crushed it, teens.


COSTCO < URBAN OUTFITTERS. This isn’t their fault, though, because the only teens that have a Costco membership or student body treasurers or well-organized drug dealers. They can’t appreciate the value of buying a box with 278 individual packets of fruit snacks inside, and they’re too image-conscious to appreciate Costco’s hot dogs or frozen yogurt. It’s a legitimate lunch, fight me.

EVERYTHING AIRLINE RELATED. Also not their fault; teens don’t buy their own plane tickets, and therefore have no need to care about mileage. Guaranteed that most of these teens gave Virgin America a bad rating because they want you to knot they’ve definitely done sex.

NESTLE < KOOL AID. Teens, I know what you did this. Kool AId is useful to mix with clear alcohol, and chocolate is not. You’ll get over that eventually, or you’ll be that person still making hunch punch at 47.

EBAY = UBER. You can trust a stranger enough to buy shoes or a used video game or a textbook that they mail to you. Every Uber is a roll of the dice, you stupid teens.