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WE’RE SORRY IN ADVANCE

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THIS DIDN’T HAPPEN, WE DENY EVERYTHING

URBAN MEYER IS UNIVERSALLY ATTRACTIVE, ACCEPT IT

Urban Meyer is a.) just universally handsome on every level, and you’re going to have to live with that, and b.) the most confident-looking child you’ve ever seen. Look at him. That child took three tanks and one RPG into Tripoli in 1944 and came out with three German timepieces and the deed to the city. You’ll hate him when it’s over, but by god you’ll respect him for getting you through it.

THE SENATOR’S FAMILY, IN QUADBOX FORM

When he is not in DC serving his constituents, Senator Herbstreit (R-TN) lives in Franklin with his daughter Davina and her two sons, Cooper and Archie.

CAN’T WAIT TO GET TO CALIFORNY

Old Mike Gundy is definitely inside the barn at the end of Grapes of Wrath, sleeping off a hard day of shoeing horses.

DAVID POLLACK’S CHEEKBONES, Y’ALL

David Pollack, look at you, with your flawless cheekbone-ass face. Disney character-ass lookin’ self. Kindly retired Malibu part-time personal trainer and pastor who also surfs old man-looking self.

OLD ED IS JUST CURRENT ED

I once backed over that woman’s mailbox leaving a party. SHE WAS NOT PLEASED AND NO SHE DID NOT FORGET ABOUT IT, EVER.

THAT’S JUST GOOD FUNDAMENTALS

You have to like how old they had to make old Desmond look to even come close to looking “old.” Also old Desmond is a pilot, a week shy of retirement, who will land a 737 with ease in a crosswind during a hailstorm. He wants you to know it’s been a pleasure flying with you, and hopes you choose Delta again.

[/light patter of applause in the cabin]

THIS IS A FAULKNER FAMILY IF FAULKNER WROTE ABOUT THE YEAR 2004

WE’RE SORRY FOR THE THINGS WE’VE DONE IN LIFE

LIKE MAKING THIS PHOTO WITH A FREE APP

WE’LL PAY FOR IT WE PROMISE

WE ALL DO

WHAT DID THEY DO TO OLD KEV’S HAIR

Science is never wrong, so it must be true: when Kevin Sumlin ages he will at one point be given old televangelist hair. Lady Sumlin is the mom we were desperately in love with growing up. Having said that we will now avoid Texas A&M football until he is fired or retires or leaves for another position. THIS IS TOO REAL, FACEAPP.

GENES WITH AN ENTHUSIASM UNKNOWN TO MAN

This is a photo app where you can’t blend faces but it is also realistic—because if you look at the Harbaugh family, you realize Jack Harbaugh has the strongest genes of anyone on the face of the planet.

HE’S ADORABLE

Y’all hate but Ryan’s going to be a devastatingly handsome older man.