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VALUABLE LISTS: WRESTLING FINISHERS FOR 2017

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NO ONE ESCAPES THE FIGURE FORTY LEG LOCK, NO ONE

LET’S CUT A PROMO BABY

Because of other work we didn’t get this shitpost up on Friday. However, it is Monday, and we are still behind so enjoy leftovers. Some are original and some are not, simply because some people simply have natural complements in the world of wrestling, and some are so close to being wrestlers already that they require their own signature moves, like oh we don’t know let’s pick one at random say...Mike Gundy.

Nick Saban: The Medical Redshirt (You get thrown out of the ring, and into North Alabama’s starting lineup)

Bill Snyder: The Windbreaker/Thrill Snyder/Hun Bundler/Triple Jump Prunesault

Dana Holgorsen: The Slams Casino/Sharpshooter/Hair Raid

Gary Patterson: The Three Star Frog Splash, because five stars are for lesser programs that can’t develop talent

Dabo Swinney: The Howard’s Rock Bottom/Diamonds Cutter

Mike Leach: Arr-KO, Peg Leg Drop

Urban Meyer: Urb Stomp, Five Star Press

Charlie Strong: The Bull Nelson

Bronco Mendenhall: Bronco Mendenhall

Jim Harbaugh: Satellite Camp Stunner (Appear suddenly in opponent’s own trailer; toast with milk, kick to balls, stunner, celebration with more milk)

Bobby Petrino: The Last Ride

Jim McElwain: Swampton Bomb/‘Villeswitch

DJ Durkin: Sister Crabagail

Hugh Freeze: LOIn Tamer

Kirk Ferentz: Million Dollar Dream, obvs

PJ Fleck: The Row-Dog

Kirby Smart: [will share name of finisher with public when given permission by UGA press office]

Ed Orgeron: Death Valley Driver/Crawfish Clutch (just the Camel Clutch, but then Ed and staff join around your beaten form for a delicious lunch of local crustaceans while watching film thoughtfully and attentively on an iPad propped on your back)

Kliff Kingsbury: The People’s Elbow (because like Texas Tech there’s no defense)

Justin Fuente/Bud Foster: The Lunchpail (tag team, Bud goes Stone Cold with the beers afterwards)

Tom Herman: F-512, DDPee, You’re a Peein’ Uppercut (Tom Herman thinks about pee a lot is what we’re saying)

James Franklin: Franklinsteiner, Four Star Press, Cesaro Swing (he just seems like he’d be a Cesaro Swing dude)

Dan Mullen: Maroonsault, Cesaro Swing

Bret Bielema: Scorpion Death Hock/Atomic Keg Drop (must wrestle under name “Ham Ham Bigelow” #wps)

Gus Malzahn: Crossface Single Wing

Mike Gundy: Reverse Pokeslam/Okie from Muskogee (flying elbow drop from top rope, mullet flying like the flag of freedom itself)/Figure FORTY Leg Lock

Jimbo Fisher: The Deer Stand/The Yeti Cooler/The Seminole Wind (multiple offense featuring multiple finishing moves, Jimbo must leave in hunter camo trim truck)