Renee Zellweger and Kenny Chesney were once married.
Bing Crosby and David Bowie sang a Christmas song together. Andre Agassi and Barbra Streisand dated; once, the city of New Orleans, already noted for lax management and a leisurely approach to administration, was ruled by the Spanish. Senegal and Gambia were one country for about seven years once, and buddy if you don’t know how weird that was YOU DON’T KNOW SHIT ABOUT THE GAMBIA, BUDDY.
Some of those things persist into the present, so much so that they are in danger of achieving normal status. Selena Gomez is dating The Weeknd. West Virginia, for some reason, is in a long term relationship with the Big 12, while Florida State is in the same conference as Syracuse. Phil Simms has been in a parasitic relationship with the sports television industry for decades now.
For reasons unclear to humanity, there are combination Taco Bell/KFCs still in existence. People go to them, unblinking and thoughtlessly working around the absurdity of this mongrel lardbox’s existence.
So for a moment—just one, fleeting contemplative moment of your busy day—consider the oddity of Lane Kiffin and Nick Saban sharing the same office roof for not one, not two, but three seasons.
"No, that's not really how I do it. Greg (McElroy) knows about those," Kiffin said. "Those things come up, and everybody has different ways of dealing with them. It's just not really how I do it. I'm not really big on humiliating assistant coaches in front of everybody. I write down notes. In the staff meeting, I explain what we want to get done."
This comes after the joyous radio interview excerpt where former Bama defensive tackle Jonathan Allen confessed that the best part of practice was blowing up offensive plays and triggering Nick Saban into tirades against Kiffin.
One day, when Nick Saban is Governor of Alabama and Lane Kiffin is the tight ends coach at UTEP, we’ll look back and wonder how any of this happened, or how Lane Kiffin wasn’t given a permanent medical redshirt by Nick Saban and thrown bodily from the lip of Bryant-Denny Stadium.
Another reminder: Lane Kiffin was fired, and then replaced with Steve Sarkisian, who then coached one game, acquired a perfect 0-1 record as Alabama offensive coordinator, disagreed with Saban about how the offense would be run, and then left for the Atlanta Falcons. If the Falcons lose the Super Bowl again this year, Steve Sarkisian will unlock the saddest achievement in this video game we call college football: Losing two championship games as a coach at two different levels in consecutive years.
It’s weird to hope for this out of random malice, and no, you’re the one sort of hoping this happens, you terrible human, you, you who is definitely not also experiencing an insane but still real twinge of regret that an asteroid didn’t come closer to earth this week. That’d be wrong, and bad, and scary, and not at all morbidly entertaining.*
*peers up at asteroid and yells YOU AIN’T SHIT I CAN’T EVEN FEEL THE HAIR ON MY HEAD MOVING RIGHT NOW, YOU SCARED COME DANCE A LITTLE CLOSER, EILEEN